no longer

Darlene Morgan
Oct 4
6 min read

Updated: Oct 6

Sometimes, I actually think I look pretty; other times I feel like such a worn down ... human and look like it terribly. I dislike those times.

I cannot put off writing about this any longer. It plagues me day and night. I have to write about it to renew my mind.

*sigh * Not that my mind will be in complete remedial relief. It will not because we will always be surrounded by negativity and how we react to it is what can heal us.

Although, even when I react to unkindliness in the most gentle way possible, it still affects me and my heart. I am losing faith in humanity.

This is not good.

At least not for me. I have been told that I perpetually see the good in people and when I see otherwise, it affects me in ways that lingers within me for days.

The only trouble is lately, I cannot seem to get away from the less than altruistic.

It depresses me [even more].

I am unable to shake the sadness, the disappointment, the feeling of discouragement.

And then, I heard this song.

Artist: Alexander Stewart

Song: If You Only Knew

And I realized I feel this way many times.

Like I just want to shut down. Like the only thing I want to do is get out of my head. And I become ... saddened. I listen to more music to help me.

Or I walk. Friday, I had to walk. I then came home and drank. Enough to remove the hardness I felt in my heart. It wasn't the old hardness I had years before. It is a hardness that can only be described by losing faith [in people]. I am the one who ... wants to see the good in others, and when it doesn't happen I take it so personal, I go into the dark cave of my mind.

However, as I have been thinking about stuff (not the perfect word, but it'll do); it makes me think of those who suffer deeply from depression and lose complete hope. Those who do not have someone to turn to in times of despair.

I go through this, yet ... I press on. What if you cannot?

What if your thoughts are dismissed?

What if someone tells you 'That's all in your head.' When you were able to express emotion?

Those words are hurtful and demeaning. It is dismissive. And in some cases, it can be referred to as gaslighting. Which, I am not one to use the word much, but having watched it happen to me and others, I can sadly identify it fairly quickly.

When it comes out of the mouths of people who are supposed to care makes it worse. It wrecks my well-being and drives the depression deeper and the belief I have in people diminishes.

I decided I could not handle the lack of confidence I have in [Christian] people any longer so I wrote a letter to my pastor.

I needed to feel better.

I need to have that faith return.

I need to be happy again.

My letter to him was not easy to write; it was descriptive and transparent enough to let him know who I really am and the struggles I am having.

He restored a fraction of me. A fraction of the faith I am losing. My final question to him was: Who are we as Christians and how do we get along with others when so many have different opinions?

We are all sinners saved by grace. That means we won’t always agree, but what unites us is Jesus. My prayer for you is that you find believers who will point you to Him with gentleness and truth.

I want to trust this belief.

'Our bonds as brothers and sisters in Christ should be able to overcome big hurdles, politics included.'

It does not. At least not in my case. I have seen Christians divide horribly.

I am so distraught by who people are. Not just people I know. But so many I do not know and what they say and do.

I don't want to talk about it.

It is too common these days.

And this is what creates even more despondence in me.

I want to talk about how you reply to people.

I have spoken on this before.

But it is worth repeating.

Because words affect us greatly.

If a persons thoughts, ideas, concerns, apologies and feelings are dismissed and we do not know that person completely ... it can be detrimental.

Why? Because self-harm and suicide ideation, depression, loneliness, seclusion can be reasons for feeling dismissed.

I cannot shake the 'that's all in your head' statement.

I cannot shake the lack of empathy and compassion in people.

I cannot shake the inability for people to get along regardless of who we are.

It dives me deeper.

I feel things much more than others.

Sometimes I wish I could be like a couple of friends who are able to blow off the inconsiderate.

I want to.

But ... I cannot.

I feel too much.

Why is this hopelessness so existent lately?

Especially when, I am surrounded by love, peace, support and acceptance?

It is like Alexander says:

I feel so f**in guilty 'cause God, I'm so lucky to live my life

So I keep all the pain to myself -

Losin' faith, but nobody can tell ...

I do not believe in luck - but the singer gets it right. I am blessed to live my life. Losin faith? Very much so. I wish I had that one person, that one partner who was here. Like really here.

The one friend who truly doesn't mind having a friend who just needs to lean.

Instead, I retreat to my room. I lose myself in writing, drawing, photography and our home.

I find respite in the love of my children. In knowing, I did something right. Of who they are now. Not always easy, but it's more important as to who they are now.

My neighbor told me, she is proud of me. In who my girls are and how I have raised them. How from a distance, she has seen them grow up and become these beautiful young ladies. Personally and physically.

It makes me smile and cry.

I believe her. I want someone to believe. [Besides Jesus] I feel I have to say this in fear of ridicule that others will think I only believe in the human.

No, this is not in my damn head. If I said that out loud around a particular person, they would think I was only trusting in that which is in front of us.

I may lose faith [in persons] but I will never lose my faith in Christ.

I cannot live without Him.

It is because of His presence in my life that keeps me going.

Him, my children, music, art work, and the handful of people whom I can trust to be honest with. This is not a post meant to be for certain people - it is the truth that I have discovered over the decades I have survived.

I have realized what is meant to be will remain. And the older I get ... I see God working in my life in removing layers.

I have no clue when or if I can come out of this depression.

What I do know is ... what I know. What I know for sure. And that is, to keep going.

And above all, freaking let go of stuff that does not serve my soul any good. It is exhausting.

Remember, with Christ, it is possible. He does not make all the hard stuff go away, but He does make it better able for us to go through things.

So ask Him to come into your heart and receive Him as your Savior. Trust me, you will feel better. I know this might be hard to believe coming from the mouth of someone who feels terrible 70% of the time, but at least my terrible is tolerable.... kind of.

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #prayfirst #believeinyourself #depressionsucks

#thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess