repurposing contentment

Just another blissful day at home - working out in the yard!

I have never felt so content. In my entire life. But, as I write those words, I make myself think back to if there actually was another time when I felt good about who I was.

There was another time.

It was right before mom and dad divorced. As I continue to write my life stories, I realize how unseen I was and how so many times, I did not want to be seen. I mean this with the absolute sincerity of my heart and soul.

But, there was this one time when I was in 3rd or 4th grade that my friend, Angie pulled me aside on the playground and told me I needed to do something about the bullies that were bothering other kids. I promise, I am not imagining this. We were only in 3rd or 4th grade and when she spoke to me, I remember feeling as if I turned the corner from the girl who was picked on horribly to the girl who could actually speak up for others.

It's hard to imagine me, being 7 or 8 year old able to theorize what I was going through psychologically.

For me, to be asked to help someone, was something I realized early on in my life that made me feel beneficial. It is like a high to me.

As I write about these significant moments, I am seeing where and roughly when my empathy developed.

It all began with the prayers my mom asked me to say for our family each time we had to to the basement for tornado warnings. All those times gathering our blankets and preparing to camp out in the basement until the 'all clear' occured caused me to think, my prayers were important. I felt as if I was given this job to summon God into our home in order to protect us. As if, my mom gave me this prayer job because I was something special. And, I did feel special. I felt like I was capable. At the onset of my ackwardness as a child, I grasped the hell out of feeling needed because someone thought I was badass. I can almost see us now. I recall I showed up on the playground later than others and seeing Angie run up to me and say how they needed me to stick up for them. Leaning into my intense stride, I was ready to tell someone off!

But that is where the memory ends. No idea if I went off on someone or I got my ass kicked, but my recollection ends there.

It doesn't matter at this point, but what does matter is how I did like the idea of being an earthly savior.

I certainly cannot assertain that my mom asking me to pray for our family during tornado sirens produced in me the 'savior complex.' However, the complex unconsciously intensified the older I got and the more often I found myself in the middle of some fairly hurtful school days. Looking back, I survived those painful days. I was about to write how the names kids called me would be unheard of now as they would be called racists. However, given the open door to say whatever you want these days, makes the days I was picked on a walk in the park. Sadly.

It seems bullies found me to be an easy target. And throughout childhood, I would have a bully at each school I attended.

I recall asking my mom for advice on how to deal with a particular bully and she would tell me, 'if you just ignore them, they will eventually go away.' That suggestion from my mom validates the non-confrontational person she was. She was not a fan of interacting with people.

The reason my savior complex grew is because, as I look back at those days when I was pushed around, I realize how unfair it was God used me in this way. I would wake up in the mornings and my stomach would hurt and I was not about to eat breakfast. My stomach hurt over the nerves that flared up with anticipation of who was going to mess with me today and make me feel inferior.

That inferior feeling stuck with me for days, months, years - years upon years.

I still have those inferiority complexes, they caught up with my savior complex and this is why I taken anti-anxiety meds.

But, also growing older has taught me how much I wish to embrace whom I think I always wanted to be before I die.

Getting old sucks, but you do get to this point where you either harbor the angst of aging, or you run with it at full speed.

I, of course, choose to run with it at full speed.

Perhaps, not pedal to the metal, but ... I do fill my days. And for the most part, I have done well at balancing family and work. While also making sure I make time for myself. And, after I took the solo weekend in AK, it completely motivated me to prioritize a space at home that makes me feel welcome. This is legit. Do you feel welcome in your home?

When you walk into the door of your home, do you feel like it swells your heart and makes you want to take a deep breath, plop down in one of many areas that calm you and thank God for so much?

If not, I encourage you to create the space - but the caveat is, you must do it by repurposing as much as possible and getting rid of several things that have filled your closets, cabinets, drawers and garage you have not looked at for a few years.

I have done this and as I gave stuff away, I also did my best to sell what might be worth it to someone. And so far, I have made $347. That is dang good!

Today is July 4th, 2026 and I began writing this a few days ago.

But, as I look at the beginning of my post, I realize, I am still content. A few days later, and I actually still feel good. Dear Lord, please keep me alive and as healthy as possible. I am finally at a mental stage where, I am okay with me. Never, thought, I would get here.

And it is not concluded.

I know I have to continually, remind myself that I am okay. I will generally have things about me that I don't feel great about, but I will do better at accepting them - I will likely have those inferior moments that will plague me for hours - but at least its not days anymore and the savior complex is at an all time ... medium. Not too high and not too low.

Savior mentality is more polished and thought out.

I would love to help people change their situations that are so difficult. I wish I could snap my fingers and a teen is free from the past that hurt her badly.

But since, I went through it and see it is possible to survive those bad days and stomachaches, I realize the teens these days are much smarter and resilient that I was.

Still, it is part of the me - I am okay with now.

History proved to guide me to where I am now. God helped me through it. And, since I am all about repurposing ... I guess, using all of the sh*tty times to help someone else, is worth it.

And that brings me to the contentment part. Contentment and acceptance. I cannot change the past, but I can use it to help others and realize my own resilience too.