... to change the course we are on ...

I love the song which this verse comes from. It is called Good Things Fall Apart by ILLENIUM & Jon Bellion.

It is one week after the 8 year anniversary of the death of girls dad. I always feel someway after the day passes.

This year wasn't much different. Although, I have to say the unfiltering I am presenting seems a bit stronger. I feel confident I will never go back to the person I was before.

Before, when all things that entered my head came out of my mouth or got pounded into a keyboard and sent to the social media realm. I am a little better about the spouting off. Still fairly specific, but better.

If I am able to resist responding to someone, whom I realize there will never be an understanding, then I have come miles from who I was.

I always felt I had to make my point.

I always had something to say.

I still do ... but now ...

I put several thoughts into my blog or an essay.

I am not sure I've had the courage to change the course I am on. I feel my courses have been changed by virtue of need and unexpected circumstances. Only recently have I intentionally changed much of who I am, how I live, the mom I wish to be, how I take care of myself, what I want our home to look like, who I want to be at my jobs, and how I connect with God.

All of those changes seem like quite a bit, however, once you begin in one area it streams into other areas of your life. Kind of like quitting drugs or drinking. If you are going to not be an addict, you do not hang out in bars, or areas where drugs are used. Or with the same people you have when you chose to be on substances.

It is that simple. But sometimes, simple is the hardest thing we can do, as a result of living a certain way for so long.

If we want to make changes, it comes with discipline and patience. Taking the shot to lose weight is not magical. The weight doesn't just dissolve. It still is a lifestyle change.

Quitting smoking or drinking means finding other means to cure the cravings or whatever it is you achieve from either.

I wanted to change who I was a long time ago when I was spouting off expletives and haughty remarks. I have to laugh at the word, 'haughty' as it was a word someone used to describe me. I didn't take too offense of it. In fact, I might even be using it here in a bit of a sarcastic way.

I think females who have struggled in the past with who they are can continue to be who we are, only to refine it. Polish it up. We have been ridiculed for our strong personalities ... and likely justifed at times. But never should a person be profiled for their character - just because I am a Mexican female doesn't mean I have a hot temper. I will say, the hot temper in a female can derive from the immoral attitudes given to us and the wrongs we witness in society.

I call it righteous anger. It is okay. Just keep it cool. An outspoken woman cannot be denied when her words carry the weight of years of hard times and are carefully projected.

In the process of my desire to change the trajectory of my approach to life, I had to learn how to use my words more wisely. As I learn this, I discover the gratification of it.

It feels better.

In the process to change the course I am on - learning what I like in and outside our home has been crucial to know. Why? Because, your home is your santuary and when you walk into it, you should be able to feel it. To know, after a long day at work, you have a place that accepts you, embraces you and offers decompression.

I wanted to change the course I was on because being angry is exhausting.

But being angry when you are able to control it and not live in the sphere of it, is much better when you can walk away and return to contentment.

If he had not died, I am not sure I would have gotten to this mindset.

I do believe that every single moment that changes the course we are on, is an opportunity to evaluate who we are and if we like the person we are.

I want to like who I am.

Especially in this last stage of life.

I write about it because I wish I had discovered it sooner to enjoy it longer.

So I pray the same for you.

#changethecourse #singlemomlife #lovewhoyouare #john316 #changes #ILLENIUM #jonbellion #musictherapy