i am here and thank you

Jun 24
6 min read

I have been on a roll since I took my first solo trip to Arkansas. It was so revealing and taught me many things about who I am.

As soon as I got back, I was determined to turn my front room into a similar floor plan like the room I spent much time in at the Airbnb in Ak.

Right down to getting me an authentic 1980's turntable and a 1978 receiver. Plus some Fisher speakers which actually are perfect for the room. The guy I bought them from at the record store explained how they were bookshelf speakers in their time because they were only meant to sound a small den.

I pondered this wondering if I would want them to fill my home with tunes and almost passed on them; but the guy did tell me for the 1978 receiver I got, I would only be able to push 20 watts out of it. Which meant the box floor speakers I was really looking for would likely be too much for the recevier. I decided to just try these speakers and be good with them. It was a good price and the guy guaranteed them.

The guy who sold me the turntable and receiver told me he'd guarantee that equipment too if I discovered either didn't work.

After getting me some speaker wire and hooking everything up, like the non-tech person I am ... and throwing on a John Coltrane album I bought with the speakers ...just - WOW!

No problem at all with the sound and it was not substandard!

I have also been liquidating several things from my garage and closet.

I have made the decision I am living simply. There is no second guessing anything. If I have not used it in at least a year, I am setting it to the curb, or placing it on Marketplace.

I cannot tell you how good this feels to me.

I wondered what my actual style was for years. As in clothing and accessories. I have a pretty good idea. Ever since my sister, Vivian told me I had a bohemian look about me, I have stuck with it. But when I would go thrift shopping, I might still grab some other random type of clothing that did not sync with my hippie preference.

Looking through my closet, I realized I am all over the place in clothing.

And ... this along with home decor was causing me to feel discombobulated. I know, silly word, but it was the first thing I thought of when envisioned my history of shopping days.

As difficult it is for me, I am removing several items of clothing from my closet and dressers. There is no need any longer to keep random t-shirts and jeans I just continue to pass. Not only that - all the leftover 'work' clothes are hitting the bucket too. As in going to thrift stores. I have already made two trips to a clothing store that purchases clothing and made 40 bucks. I have another store to hit up to see if they will buy anything leftover and then what is left gets donated.

Beside all this liquidation and renovating a room to become my own personal daily Airbnb, I have been hanging out with an old friend who makes me smile and laugh so much. I cannot emphasize how this person just gets me. We have a blast each time we are together. Me, laughing so hard until I have to pee.

I guess, including close friends in your social circle is an effective self-care technique.

I love going to work and putting in whatever effort I can to keep me busy all day until I can return home to my oasis.

I took myself off every single dating app I was on too. I told myself, no more. Not since the lunatic I thought was going to be a dupe of one of my first boyfriends who was the deal. After that sordid mistake of mine, I decided no more - at least not for a while!

Only trouble is, I am actually considering creating a dating profile again. I don't know.

I feel good. Which naturally scares me. Stupid enemy getting to my poor little old brain. The enemy making think that the moment I feel like I am finally discovering my true self - he makes me think, I'm gonna die. Or have some kind of accident that leaves me near death. Morbid, I know. And I really need to let that sh*t go. It is not fair to me.

I often wondered what it would be like to just live and enjoy who I am and all my living quarters. Well, I am here. Do you realize how much God had His hand on all of this? He knew the moment I saw this home, I would want it and it would save me.

This was the room I absolutely fell in love with at the AK Airbnb - so, I had to create one for myself

It has saved me. Probably physically too, as in my physical health because it keeps me so active in working on something every day. But mostly, this home has kept me alive. Alive with purpose. I can't help me. I have discovered, I am the woman who does not want her home to suffer. So, I do what I can to help our home. I try to do something every day. And, it does require that of me.

I would never want to give up my life - it is too precious and I am truly enjoying my adult children and who they are becoming.

But when I say this home has kept me alive - I mean, intentional and present.

It has been my own personal mental health therapy. So, God always knew.

Even when we passed this home and my ex did not want it. But somehow, I was able to convince him. And then, our marriage continued to fail, we split up, got a divorce and his attorney convinced him to try and take the home from me to sell it and make money which was dumb of his attorney cause there was no equity in it at the time.

But, God knew that plan would fail for them. And I would end up with the house. I am pretty sure several wicked people thought, this home would be too much work for me to maintain.

Well, they are only half right. It is damn hard to maintain. But they were wrong about all the strenght God has given me to get stuff done around here - inside and out. And how that would be my saving grace.

I plan to continue to discover more of who I am and embrace the daylights out of me.

My desire is to live out the remainder of my life to the fullest without much in the way of that.

To spend what time I can with my children, and taking care of our home and myself.

There is one more thing I have been doing.

I've been writing about my childhood days. As in the days that have seemed to take up space in my mind and make me wonder so much about who I was and who my mom was. I have been writing about all the miserable things that happened to me.

I draw a picture to represent the story I am to record in writing and I do not take up more than a few pages.

Perhaps dictating these memories is making me feel lighter. Able to breathe more. And able to let go of 'some' guilt and shame.

It hasn't been easy, as I wish I could step into those early years and tell my mom what a horrible mistake she was making marrying one of the worst humans in the world.

But, what I know about me is, if someone tried to tell me that years ago when I stepped into some toxic relationships, I would have ignored them thinking this was the place I was to be. With this male who fooled me.

My memoir writing is allowing me to take control of those wretched days years ago.

To write about it, has been giving me space to release. Release the anger, hurt, pain, realization of who my mom was and the revelation of similar paths I took.

Until now.

#anxietyattacks #airbnb #journal #writing #justbeyou #selfdiscovery

#prayfirst #believeinyourself #thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess