the beds ...

Darlene Morgan
Aug 14
5 min read

Updated: Aug 14

I drove to work this morning with the music on repeat of two songs. Superheroes by The Script and It Don't Hurt Like It Used To by Billy Carrington.

Both songs move my heart in ways, even I had no idea could happen. I think back to all these crummy days of laying in my bed - not ever sure which one ... from teen years? From the one where my first boyfriend and I lived in a house that was swarming with cockroaches? Or the house where we laid on a mattress on the floor that also had cockroaches? Or the apartment where I did my first hit of mushrooms and had such an awful trip, I wanted to throw up or die. Perhaps the house where I never laid in the bed because I was so strung out on meth. Yes, I just said that. Maybe the place where I sat on the bed and contemplated cutting my wrists but I was too much a coward. I'd say that is okay. Perhaps the bed in the house where I thought I loved the guy and it turned out to be nothing but a controlling situation and he did things to me that made me feel 2 inches high.

Finally the bed where I laid .... my back to him and I cried over and over wishing he would touch my shoulder and let me know he still loved me and it would all be okay. The same bed that I crawled into at 3 in the morning after my sister died and he didn't say a word, not even a touch, a 'are you okay?' Nothing. Perhaps it was better that way, as he moved out 3 days later.

And now, I wake up from the bed where I close my eyes around 1 in the morning because I just do not want to sleep. Can you imagine why I don't want to sleep?

It is not the bed at all. It is me. All those days I spent in bed not wanting to face the world.

Now, I face the world with the utmost strength that God gives me.

I honestly have no idea where the strength would come from if not from Jesus. He held me each of those nights and days that I laid in bed wondering if my life would ever change.

He knew all along what He was doing with me. He was making me stronger and reminding me I did have a purpose in life. At those times it was just to live.

Other times, it was to get up and face the world again without any thought - I was in robotic mode. Nothing else. Not even sure I had many thoughts to those days. It was just to live.

I regret many days. I wasted so many days. I regret those days with my son when I was such a shitty mom. Sorry, I cannot think of a better word. Damn those days. I feel the pain in my heart at the thought of putting him in a place where he didn't feel loved and I was too stupid and caught up in an abusive relationship to get out. Until I did.

Now? I live the days to make up for those days. I am old[er] and trying to get caught up on who I truly am. I try to see myself as who I am now.

This person who lost so much. Yet, survived.

I survived because God had a purpose for me. It was to make amends with my son. It is to raise 3 daughters without a dad. God even knew that the girls dad would die. He knew that I would be on my own with them. This is where the song, 'It Don't Hurt Like It Used To' comes in.

No, it doesn't hurt near as bad but it still hurts. The hurt turns into depression once every other month and that is what I feel. The low. The hurt - of my daughters not having a dad. I am an empath. Although, I am not much for labels like this, it is true. If you are feeling something, I can feel it too. Perhaps not all the ways you feel but it is the surface of hurt, anger or fear. I feel it. So when the song comes on, I believe it is him, C, girls dad, who ... is there. Not meaning to hurt, but to allow me to feel his presence when he was here. And he hurt so bad, he didn't want to be here.

C, it doesn't hurt like it used to, but damn it still hurts pretty badly.

I have this job now where I am around teenagers who have suffered some pretty horrible things. One told me about what happened and her exposure to a pedo.... Can't even say the word.

My throat tightened and I began to cry hard. And I asked her if I could cuss and I sure did. I showed her my feelings that I felt for her. And the pain I knew she held inside - I felt it because I lived it before too. Effing a-holes in this world. Why do they even exist and why are we so set on getting people out of our country who don't have 'legal' papers but we don't use the same tenacity to remove peds? I think I know why and though, I don't use the word often - I fricken hate how our attention is on other things instead of protecting our children. Don't even think to tell me we are protecting our children by removing horrible gang people. F that. Sure, show them justice, but set the focus on those that we can reach through technology because you're not trying hard enough.

Enough of that tangent. But you can see who I am through my writing. This is what my mind goes through each day.

Each and every day. The regrets. The what-if's. The when? The how can I help? The 'show me Jesus how I can be of service to you.'

The blank spot in my heart I feel so heavy right now. The way my heart swells at times ... like now and I wonder, how can people go on some days?

Big sigh.

Because we have to.

Because I have to. And I want to. I want to hear those songs to remind me of all I can feel. I don't wish for all those memories but they are there. And they are there for a reason.

Because, I can empathize with the clients and parents.

They are there to show my children, we can get through some rough stuff.

I wanted to fix the hurt my daughter was feeling the other night. My mind kept going back and forth between, --- fix it --- and ---- she has to go through it ---- and .... she will get through it because you (me) did.

So, here I am. This is me.

All the ways that I am.

And then the song, 'Superheroes' plays. He sings, '''you've been fighting for it all your life .... you've been struggling to make things right ... that's how a superhero learn to fly....''''

Yeah.

This is me.

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #hardmemories #thisisme

#prayfirst #believeinyourself #Phil4vs13 #Godspurpose

#thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess