not so dreadful anymore
Sometimes I wish I had a partner who I can share the water runs with. 🤔 it’s not a big deal to me. I just think of those things.
Of course I want a partner who is more than that.
I see where God has me now and my heart swells. The gratitude I’ve felt lately is immense. And I realize, I am okay being single.
I am [finally] who I’ve always wanted to be. Content. At Peace. Goofy. Artist. Believer. Hippie-ish. Photographer. Activist. Advocate. Writer. Blogger. I can keep plants alive! I have a turntable again and I love my albums! For once I want to drive my car for as long as possible!!! I LOVE my Subaru!
Do you know what I can do now? Sing in the car. And loudly on my mower. But furthermore? On the way home from volleyball, play some of my favorite songs and dance. You know car-dance. little head movement, expressive lyrics and pouding fist to chest in emotion of hearing the song. The feel of the artists voice. That is so fabulous!
I now realize I need some outdoor time to decompress almost daily! (I dread winter arriving) It is the environment I have created over here in our home AND outside of it.
I honestly never thought I could feel such lightness. (Mentally and Emotionally)
Eh - I still have a small portion of dread that lives in me. I handle it better now.
I’ve seen how much God has done in my life and if I am still here, currently as a solo parent for over 8 years AND I can still make a mortgage payment… well, to me that is success. My heart pounds at this.
The dread? I shouldn’t think stuff like ‘when will the ball drop?’
I already know I cannot control my life.
When I tried, I failed.
Right now I am sitting on my porch swing listening to people who are at the tennis courts.
And the perpetual dogs barking behind us, and occasionally cars hot rodding down our roads. 😠
I have a pasture!! I have a freaken pasture! With a boxcar on it! What the?!
That’s just some crazy stuff considering the boxcar was here and it has Super Chief on it which is where my parents banked and my dad worked for the railroad.
My outdoor sounds right now are people playing sand volleyball and from the sounds of their voices they are mexican. Don't tell anyone. I don't need it to get cold over here. If you know what I mean. Another aspect of me? Cannot freakin stand our administration. It is horrendous, humliating and heartless. I won't shatter this post with repulsion but it is what takes away so much peace from us.
Okay enough - back balls dropping. 🤨😖 That sounds weird. But you know. I pray for just nothing super terrible. First 50+ years of my life was just spattered with some really bad things.
You know what though? I am also at peace 88% with the crap I went through because it allows me to relate to families in my job. That is a blessing because, when they seem so distracted or overwhelmed, I know that! And, I can share compassion and empathy.
I cannot emphasize enough how much I love my job and feel I am where God needs me.
I am okay.
My children are well and pray Gods grace over them and He continues to guide and protect them.
I will keep doing what I am doing. Resting. Mowing. Loving real yard work and all my awesome Stihl power equipment! 🧡
My daughter gave me one of the best compliment tonight.
I had to show her the closet I cleaned out so I could shelf my Stihl tools nicely.
She said ‘you’re such a dad.’ Lol. 🥹 yeah.💙
Grief doesn’t achieve a plateau.
It continues and girls and I have learned to live with it. Crying when things hurt so much. Crying because he is missing out.
But the girls continue to live out this life for their dad. I continue to live it out (God-willingly) for their dad and my family.
Maybe the realization of having a home that emits peace and me showing peace is success given what my childhood homes were.
So this is my success. A peaceful home. So many ridiculous years later.
I had to create the peace within me first without any guilt or shame from my past.
Honestly I could go on and on.
But my daughter came home early tonight and I’m going to go hang out with her!
I am ----
#breakingcycles #grief #believeinyourself #thehereandnow #life #thinking #iamokay #gratitude #singlemomlife #unmakingamess
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