happy then not

Darlene Morgan
Jun 12
6 min read

My new plant stand with all my plants I am learning to take care of. The stand was actually a clothing hanger my middle daughter made. Works better as a plant stand.

Let me take you into an anxiety attack and tell me if you have done this.

Or is this really me just dealing with hormones from being 60 years old all of a sudden.

I went on a road trip with my oldest daughter and it was the best time I've had. We got along and took turns deciding what to do and driving time. Actually the purpose of the trip was to see one of my favorite bands - Coldplay. They were playing in Denver, Colorado which is the closest they have come to us. And of all times - it was on my birthday. It was absolutely surreal. I knew I'd cry at some points and I did. Songs that made me think of my sister who loved them and who introduced them to me.

It was a great time and one I will never forget.

Even the drive back home wasn't tough. Usually when I leave a destination I get all emotional and weepy, but this time. I didn't look back. We had a dynamic time and being gone for 4 days was just right. I looked forward to coming home and seeing my other two daughters and give them the gifts I found in Colorado.

I didn't even mind driving the extra 30 minutes to drop off my daughter past our home. Then came home. And even texted my other two daughters to let them know I was on my way and wait up for me. And asked them who was next to take a road trip with me.

They didn't answer which is fairly normal. But remember this as I move into my attack.

I got home - excited to pull into my driveway and my dog came outside - granted he didn't want to be outside and didn't even pay attention to me! Rude. But he is sleeping on my bed now. Quite content.

I got out of my car and began to set my stuff on the porch as usual and noticed my new garden flowers I didn't have time to place in planters I asked the girls to do for me. They were quite dry and looking very sad and dead. As well as a peace lily I have been quite happy to keep alive for the last couple years. My heart broke as I tried not to scream. I pushed myself to say hi to girls and my dog and then with as much control as possible and said, 'girls! my flowers!' With the slight dramatic tone to my voice. And one of my daughters looked at the planter with the dry flowers. She went back into the house and the other daughter came out with a tiny spray bottle. "That is not what they need. They need actual water." I immediately needed to release the swelling in my heart that was creeping into my throat. And I sent my oldest daughter whom I had just dropped off 30 minutes before. I sent her 3 sad emoji faces and she replied 'what?' and I told her my outdoor plants were dead and how her sisters didn't water them. She replied 'ofc they didn't. they don't care.' Well, not what I needed to hear exactly but let me bring you back to the unreplied text. No reply. It hurts.

I came inside and girls did help bring stuff in. I told them thank you and after my middle daughter came inside after watering the vegetable plants out back .... I told girls, they need to pay attention to stuff like that because they are walking past the planters each time they go in and out. And how it hurts to see plants die.

My youngest daughter said 'sorry' quietly and I told her thanks. My middle daughter said, she didn't think to water them and I told her it's important to pay attention and after they placed the flowers in new planters they should know to give them water. I told them I thought I taught them that.

I came upstairs to my room without bringing all my bags up and I sat on the bed and began to cry uncontrollably. I couldn't believe the tears that came so easily and the hurt I felt in my heart. I wasn't sure if the hurt was from not being more happy to see my daughters or my plants being dead.

I felt terrible I was feeling such emotion for my plants. Where was this coming from? I have tried so hard to not allow the love of material things come first. But this was different. My plants and flowers were dry and dead ... well three out of 6 were not looking so well.

My mind immediately went to a past that I had not visited in years. The day a boyfriend broke a little turtle footstool my dad made for me. It was sitting behind a door and he purposely pushed to door hard against the wall breaking the stool.

Then the day a man my mom married took all my stuff and placed it in the middle of his driveway and set it on fire. It was all the stuff he gave me when mom was married to him.

The footstool - yes, that is painful because it had sentimental value. I remember trying to fix it only breaking it worse trying to nail two of the legs back on.

For some reason those memories really resonate with me.

I have done my best to get away from caring so much about tangible things.

I sat on my bed and cried outloud. Maybe wishing the girls heard me. I felt heartbroken. And the idea of being a terrible mom for not teaching my daughters more about watering plants on hot days made me feel guilty and responsible for their lack of care. I should have told them to water my plants! I didn't think about the outdoor ones! I only thought about my indoor ones which I took care of before I left so they were fine.

It was my outdoor plants I failed to leave strict instructions for.

So my pain and heart beating was because of my own shame for not doing better myself and for not being more happy to see my girls and for not being able to give them their souvenirs and for just feeling sympathy for my plants.

As I took a shower, I let my mind wonder why the sad flowers upset me so much. And I figured it out.

It was because they are a living species. They are alive as can be. I cannot believe how attached I have become to plants! There was a time when I just let plants die and now I cannot imagine allowing that to happen.

As I write this I am still astonished I went from feeling elated to come home to completely heartbroken. And going into a crying episode. I cannot remember the last time I cried so hard like that. I almost took one of my prn anxiety pills. But I didn't want to because I knew if I did I would probably fall asleep sooner than I wanted to.

I wanted to spend time decompressing now more than ever.

At first I couldn't wait to get home and share gifts with girls then come to my room to shower and relax - now it was about just .... trying to let go of this tightness in my heart.

Okay, so that is it. I had to write it all down because I wanted to feel this more. Writing it makes me acknowledge the feelings and emotions. I want to feel better. I want to be happy to be home. I want to be happy to see my girls. Excited to give them little things I picked up in Colorado.

My body is still feeling something. It feels more exhausted then I want it to. Maybe thats it. Just exhaustion.

I will see how I feel in the morning.

Love you all.

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #prayfirst #believeinyourself #thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess #houseplants #caringforplants #anxiety