fallen

1 day ago
6 min read

I am in despair. I don’t want to be this way. Perhaps if I just got up from this couch and walked around I’d feel better.

But I don’t feel like it.

My body and mind are telling me to rest. Rest Darlene. Let it reside and don’t allow it to control you.

We have all the power we need when we give Jesus our problems. He will be with us. We just need to allow Him to take over what worries us.

The trouble is - pain is felt. Pain inside. Sadness. Hurt. Regret. Shame. Anger.

I am not sure I can write about it all but since my words this far seem to identify something I’ve gone through recently I will give you a glimpse.

I fell hard. Well now that makes me smile a little because I did physically fall! One week ago fell down some stairs landed hard on my butt and thigh. But that’s not the fall I am relating to.

After I met him I immediately texted my girls and said, he is the one.

So much about him … I prayed about. And the conversation was so easy; it wasn’t all one sided and I listened intently to him.

We went on like this for a few weeks. Seeing each other a few times before he decided to take me to a jazz club out of town where if we drank we would need to stay over.

I was ready for this.

Until a couple days before the date, I felt something in my gut and it didn’t settle. In fact, I can feel it now.

It was telling me me to not go.

I brushed it off thinking I was just being too guarded after all, I had not felt this way in forever. And I reminded myself of what my girls have said. Mom - you’re too particular!

As well I should be with my three daughters!

Ain’t just any man gonna come around my girls!!

So, pushed the feeling away.

Then it returned the day before while at the same time my bruised thigh was horrendous and painful.

I called the man and told him I wasn’t going.

Without going into an extensive transcript of our conversation- he was not happy.

And even muttered how I was ruining it. I called him out on that and made him admit what he thought I didn’t hear. To be exact I said, I’m sorry, I’m don’t want to ruin our evening and he quietly said, ‘but you are.’

I can still hear it.

We agreed to go somewhere local - a comedy club.

I insisted on driving although he was insisting I didn’t drive and we get an uber. Damn - I am so glad I stuck to driving!

When I picked him up he was already a bit … well he was … stoned and had a drink.

When we got to the club he drank 3 straight crown royals in a row to which I began to get nervous. I did not drink. The gut feeling returned. Don’t drink Darlene. You’re gonna need to be sober. He said he was trying to get rid of a headache by drinking it away.

After the show, I just wanted to go home and told him so.

He wanted to stop in another bar and I’m thinking uh … no way.

I knew my decision to go home would not be taken lightly but I knew I had to do it. I just wanted to be home in my bed at this point.

I told him back to hs place and all the way there we argued over the fact I did not want to drink.

He was so upset I wasn’t going to drink. It was so bizarre. He kept yelling ‘I asked you if you wanted to drink Saturday and you said yes!’

Go me he sounded like a college prep anticipating asking someone - hey man we gonna drink Saturday?

Not my style.

And yes, I am drinking again and trying to keep it low level.

As he got out of my car he slammed my door hard and yelled more obscenities at me.

I didn’t care, I was just glad he actually got out of my car.

I admit as I drove away I kept looking in my rear view mirror to make sure he wasn’t coming after me.

Once almost home of course I screwed up something. I had given him my license and debit card to hold in the show. Eff!!!

I seriously contemplated canceling the card and getting a new license.

I texted him to let him know I forgot them and received more absurd replies but also told me he’d bring them to me next day.

Well he didn’t.

He left my card and license at his daughters house and I was not about to go there.

A police man went and got it for me and my daughter and I went and got it from the officer. Thanks God for his kindness and he seemed to catch on to what happened did and told me he was happy to help.

I was just grateful and thanked God so much this was over.

The main reason for this is … my heart and gut cannot escape the thought of what might have happened had I went to out of town with this person. I just have an awful feeling about it.

As I began to settle my anxiety down a bit about the evening I began to look back and some of the things he did and said and felt foolish that with my experience of understanding abuse, manipulation and control there were signs.

Subtle but there.

I was trying so hard to actually let someone in for once.

He used the ‘r’ word and blew it off. The one our so called leader has used.

In his text rants he kept saying things about me he was doing - and then … he called me the ‘n’ word.

How does one go from being this kind individual who can have great conversations to this irate psycho after alcohol? Dumb question.

But as I sit here putting this in writing for you because I want you in my life. I want you to see the world from me. I have this heaviness in my heart. And I keep thinking what would have happened to me had I gone.

He would have hurt me. I just know it.

I do feel foolish but I also know that is not what God wants me to feel.

God saved me. The Holy Spirit was the feeling I got when I needed it. Don’t go. Cancel. Do not go. I kept hearing it.

Thank God.

I am trying not to let it get to me but that persons words … got to me. He got to me.

I felt so beautiful!

And now … I don’t.

It’s dumb I know.

But it happens.

When you feel you can trust someone and you believe them and it is trashed and they trash you … it hurts.

I just need to be thankful I was smart to get away.

Please, please listen to that voice inside of you. It is the Holy Spirit.