see the world

55 minutes ago
6 min read

This past weekend marked the end of a chapter for my oldest daughter and her boyfriend. They met at Baker and have become quite the intentional couple.

Her boyfriend is going back to Wales 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 for a notable career position as he was unable to acquire a job here due to the new restrictions placed on international students by the ‘US administration.’

I have to look at this as meant to be. It is a very good job that not many have a chance at.

—-My daughter will be going with him.

I encourage her.

I tell her (and her sisters) - see the world.

While you’re young - go and see other places and meet people and see how they live. This is one of best ways to experience life and learn from it.

Her dad and I had two chances to move to other states for his job and he chose not to. He simply could not leave his toxic family- they had a hold on him that was both putrid and sad to see. Staying in this town … we see where that got him - and where it got us. sigh #regretmuch #painstillresides

I guess I have a tough time with her leaving- but I won’t let that keep me from setting her free. My feelings and emotions are for me to deal with. I have friends (and my son) whom I can talk to. But when you’re a single mom, you kind of don’t want to appear needy for your own kids. Do I love it when they do things for me? Of course!

The ceremony day hit me hard - I felt the anxiety attack coming on as I sat outside with the family afterwards. I didn’t have my prn so I texted my son who always seems to know what to say.

The idea of where will I be and how will my youngest daughter handle being back here in Kansas with just me?

Oh yeah, for sure I was on the cusp of an attack - my middle daughter also recently decided she is moving to Delaware end of summer to be with her boyfriend.

Breathe. Breathe. I’m breathing and listening to a very persistent bird - I am sitting on my deck waiting for the big storm we are to get.

Yes, a stage of changes.

Life is strange. It’s really is orchestrated.

You’re born, become a child, go to school, go to college (maybe), graduate, get a job, stay single or have a family and all the stuff that comes with these stages before we get old and die.

Not trying to be depressing - (no, really I’m trying not to) - this is pure reality.

I want a fixed death. I don’t want my kids to have to take care of me when I am unable.

If a person can have a scheduled cesarean to be born, I want a scheduled end of life. I know this is allowed in certain states.

But only until I absolutely need it. I have full intentions of working in my yard and home until I can’t. Until I undoubtedly can’t. I want to be this spry elderly woman toddling around her home and land - cats running amuck, couple dogs chasing them around - and deciding to paint a huge mural on the side of her garage.

Yup that’s me. And that until I know it in my heart that Jesus needs me.

Sorry - that’s not depressing at all! I mean it’s not- at least not to me. I want to see that happen.

I digressed. Okay, as I was - my daughter.

I am happy for my daughter to live in another country and experience life there. I am thankful she has found someone who wants to take care of her. Today she needed something from in the house as we sat outside eating and her boyfriend said he’d get it for her. A mama notices this.

With a last ditch effort, I contacted a Senator friend to look into trying to find a way for this young man to stay in the US and get a job.

But as we did find out some possible solutions - Olivia’s boyfriend wrote me the nicest text. How much he appreciated my help but he felt better about taking the job back home and how it can be done in many areas of the world - but what mattered to me was when he said - the job is something that can provide and he wants a good job that will help him take care of my daughter.

Yup - that right there. How could I deny anything wrong? (I mean this did have to do with these new nonsense rules placed by the reality show administration… anything bad that happens these days you have my total permission to place blame on … the tacky administration)

I will look at this move for both of them as opportunity. Not just for them but me too.

It’s just the world. 🌍 it’s just a half a world away where she will be. I will get a passport and find a way to spend time in Wales with her.

And I will do the same with my middle girl and I’ll go to Delaware and hang out. Girls likely don’t remember this but we drove through Delaware on our way to Virginia Beach. That was their dad and i’s last effort to try and do something to help our marriage. It was a blessed time.

God gives us opportunities. Ways to embrace the unknown and see how we will handle it.

I can’t see my daughters moving away as a deterrent to the circle we have created.

These moves are brave and courageous which is what I want my girls to be.

When I opened the coffee shop with my partner it was 3 days before the pandemic of 2020. And it provided us a chance to share joy and encouragement to our community- one cup at a time.

I want to see these life events the same way.

It’s a chance for the girls to spread their God-given attributes to other areas of the world.

And for me to begin my own new stage of life doing my best to embrace all sorts of things I wish I had done years ago. No matter how late in life it is for me. And no, I don’t mean because I was raising kids I mean even while I was trying to be a good mom. I never believed in myself or ever felt comfortable being me.

I think I am so much better at that now - even with anxiety and depression.

I don’t have to look a certain way (although I do care about that on my terms!)

And I can listen to whatever music I wish.

My bedroom can be painted.

And much more.

God I know you’re going to help me and my daughters get through this because that’s what You do. A part of me feels like all we have gone through and all I’ve encountered set me up for this.

To be a mom who unselfishly will let her kids go explore the world as much as I wish they’d stay close to me.

What good does that do them?

I’d feel awful to squash their dreams or desire to see and live in a whole different town.

Like truly awful - making my kids feel guilty for leaving me? Ew. That gives me the ick and just who could hold their kids back?

Never-mind, I know that answer.

Anyway, definitely not me. I will find the good. I might feel sad, scared but it will pass and I’ll find grace in it.

I’ll have my weak moments and I’ll turn to prayer and … ask God to remind me why I am here. At this point in life. And how He showed me - I went through all sorts of rancid stuff to come out in the end to be soft-hearted and strong mom - because that is what these young girls would need.

Side note: I say that because I am pretty sure I believe it but having it written down gives it more credibility.

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal#grief

#amomsprayer #believeinyourself

#thehereandnow #life #thinking #staystrong #singlemomlife #unmakingamess