last stages

Darlene Morgan
Aug 6
7 min read

Updated: Aug 9

Alright here we go.

Last Friday ... no, last Thursday, I picked up a check from the bank for my share of a business I helped begin 5 years ago. I don't want to get into all the who I did it with and why. I think I have written about that before.

Okay, you do need some background.

It is a coffee shop - made for the community in an area of our town where there was not one. And I wanted it to be a place for high school students to go to when they didn't have other options.

The shop is located between two areas of town. One area that is a bit lower income and the other, well not quite so bad income wise. But these days, it doesn't really matter unless you are ultra rich. We are all hard up right now. Oh boy, here we go. The frustration with our nation. Wow, didn't mean that to rhyme.

Anyway .... yes, the shop is located between the high school I graduated from and the school district where my daughters attended. And where one daughter still goes. She only has 2 more years left. Dang.

I call the shop 'community driven.' And it is. If not for the grace of God, we never would have made it.

But we did. We, as in my partner and I who I was dating at the planning stages of the shop. But not long after my ex-husband died, I just faded into the background of who I thought I was. And I broke up with him. We continued with the desire to create something for our community.

I still wanted to have the shop and be this wonderful entrepreneur who tried to do all she could to create a place that belonged to the neighborhood. I met many other business owners, many people who needed help and all the while raising 3 girls on my own.

I loved many parts of being an owner. But there is much more to it than that. It really takes dedication and determination to be innovative and keep finding ways to bring people in and make some kind of profit. Trust me, it is not easy.

But we did it and the shop is still absolutely lovely and needed.

For me? I encountered this fabulous panic/anxiety attack on the 4th of July, 2023 and that pretty much was an eye opener for me. It was followed by all sorts of heart problems and breathing issues. It was all anxiety, thankfully.

So, I had to get a grip on the anxiety and depression. I think after my ex died, I just kept going without any thought whatsoever to how to truly live a life.

I just ... woke up ... worked at the shop ... came home ... tried to fix dinners ... took care of my girls ... got them to practices and to games.

Dang, my heart is feeling particularly heavy right now.

Stop scowling Darlene. It reinforces the wrinkles. --- Tries to open eyes to remove the frown on face. It wasn't a down-frown. Like sad and forlorn.

It was a 'what did I do these past years' thought frown.

I started a freaking business from the ground up! And when I reference stuff like that, I just say it from a single perspective. It's not about me doing it alone. Never.

I mean, we have to give ourselves credit once in a while and see the work we have actually done in life.

I'm not great at it. I seem to look at my accomplishments and wonder if they were ... uhhh, accomplished? I know the shop was and still is.

I know what I am trying to say! When I look at the victories or small wins in life, I just cannot give myself a pat on the back. I literally fear if I do, it is taking credit for something that God placed in my hands as a purpose. So, I give all the credit to Him.

He makes me who I am. He gives me the ability to do stuff. I just go.

I've not always been that way obviously. I remember back in the days after I l got out of an abusive relationship and I began to really get my gumption back, I kind of went above and beyond in the pride thing. Like, I had a sticker on my truck .. yes, an old Ford truck just because I wanted one .. anyway, I had a sticker that said "ME!" As in it was all about me.

I roll my eyes at this.

So many types of 'me' I have been through.

It took me quite a long time to get over that.

Of course, not without some pretty darn humbling moments.

So as I was saying, yes, I helped create a coffee shop that truly serves the community and it was pretty dang cool. I am thankful I can say that was something I did.

But here we are 5 years later and I am out. No longer an owner. At times, I feel bad for leaving the other owner with the shop all to himself. But things like this don't happen without many reasons. It was a decision that he and I finally came to terms with and decided this was best for me.

Odd how things work out because I picked up the check for my half of the shop and the next day I already had an appointment with my accountant. And he gave me the joyful news of how much money to put back for taxes on the buyout.

Let me tell you, I try to finagle my way out of having to spend too much on anything, but one area I have not been successful at doing that is taxes.

You can get away with not having to pay 'some' taxes if you are rich because you can totally write stuff off as donations and such. But for someone like me, it's not like I can take this money and just hand it off simply so I can avoid taxes. Scowling again... Or can I? Eyes shifting back and forth.

No! I can't! I mean, I would love to start some kind of non-profit, but I have to take a back seat for a while and just work my full time job I have now and ... live life.

This sale went through the same year my oldest daughter moved into her own place, my middle daughter got her real job and my youngest is looking at colleges.

Let me tell you, the emotions I have had in the past month are nothing to be messed with.

I have gone through some pretty up and down feelings lately.

In one weekend, I sold my half of a coffee shop and THEN I went to visit my oldest daughter in her new place 50 miles away! Tell me about it!

It's fine. I need to adapt. And stop eating chocolate and sour gummy worms. (takes one more bite of chocolate.)

The moral of this post is, I am going through a change here and trying my best to accept it for what it is. Honestly, change doesn't bother me. I try my best to embrace change because it gives me a chance to try something new and enter into a new stage. But it is truly not quite so easy when you get older. Changes at an older stage just make you realize the time you have left on earth to embrace the change. Get used to it. Discover how you intend to adapt to it.

There is still plenty of stuff I want to do in life. For one, I want to pay off some bills and I did that with this shop money. That was super satisfying. But wanna hear one of my complaints? Okay, I'll tell you anyway.

A person can never get ahead.

I had full intentions of paying off two cars, 2 credit cards (my only 2 - thank God), and my daughter. I borrowed money from her when we got our bathroom remodeled and I had to pay the contractor.

All of that done. Thank God. And I was so happy to know my debts were super limited.

HA! I tell you. HA!

Although, I still want to get my youngest daughter a car which means buying it outright or financing part of it. I had a sales person tell me if I finance it, they can get me a better deal. I told him, 'we'll see about that.'

So thinking I was getting ahead I still have to:

Set money aside for taxes on buyout

Include cost of health insurance I was not expecting

I heard my car insurance is going up

And ... thats it.

Be freakin thankful! Stop trying to see the dark side!

I am right.

It will be fine.

In conclusion, I sold the shop and life changes happening. It is scary, makes me uncomfortable, gives me anxiety, leaves me feeling a little nervous for the future ... but, I repotted some plants tonight and that made me realize how much I love this life God has given me.

If I can just get a few things 'accomplished' here at home, I want to be able to spend more weekends at the farmers market, not just here but many other nearby towns!

I want to get in the car and drive and get away for a weekend. Just me! Nothing extravagant, I still have to budget and all, but just get into figuring out these last stages of my life.

After all the first stages of my life included coming into the world needing a full blood transfusion. Perhaps, I can focus on going out with seeing all I can, more plants, less debt, more happiness, more walks, less remodeling so I can just live in my home instead of stepping around a box or two ... or a step ladder.

Just freaking being! How hard can that be?!

#anxietyattacks #heartbeat #coffeeshopowner #lifechanges #taxes #justbeyou

#prayfirst #believeinyourself #entrepreneur #depression #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess #griefandloss