ugly talk

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. I used to say things that really made me ugly.

I’m a firm believer that we are all beautiful people but even the ones that have the most stunning features, gorgeous cheekbones, beautiful eyes, natural beauty can give off an appearance of being so ugly by the things they say.

I know I have touched on the subject before, but it’s an important reminder and part of my history I reflect on when I talk about using your past.

I feel like I may be one of the best ones to discuss it because, I’ve had areas of my past that I can really draw on experiences from and use it as a testimony to God.

During the last couple years of my marriage I was bitter, angry and hurt.

I was upset my marriage wasn't a vision of what I imagined a marriage to be. This is something I desperately want to go into in another time. It is vitally important to address in hopes others can use my errors in marriage to help their own.

I used my writing to reflect all of those emotions in the most passive aggressive way possible knowing exactly what I was doing. My words were that of circumstances that were happening ... or perhaps not happening in my marriage and emotions I was feeling.

I have come to discover passive agressive talk be just as harmful as direct contentious remarks you see written and spoken. The comments, posts, memes, discussing religion, right, left, skin color, gender, hair color, age ... anything that is used as a way to damage character or attempt to convince you that one side is holier than thou.

passive agressive definition:

:being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)

EX: It is passive-aggressive behavior, the donning of a mask of amiability that conceals raw antagonism toward one's competitors, even one's friends.—Hilary De Vries

EX: A passive-aggressive manager eschews open hostilities, in part because he feels distinctly uncomfortable with them.—Walter Kiechel III

hostile/contentious definition:

If something is hostile, it's unfriendly. If you are zealous about the political causes you believe in, you will be hostile to any suggestion that the other side of the argument is reasonable.

When I see these comments, when I hear these words, when I see the commercials ... I look the other way and try not to absorb it too much because I am determined to keep as much negativity out of my life as possible.

Okay, this may not make sense to include this at first but I'll get to the point of my ugly talk at the end of this example.

Religion. I recall early in my marriage, a non-family member was trying to get me to take tracts that made Catholics look bad to my mom -- because she was Catholic. I was both hurt and honestly appalled. My mom had been a Catholic since she was born. There was no changing her and just because I had married into a different type of religion should not have made me feel guilty for my mom's beliefs in a way that made me feel I should 'try to change her.'

I read the tracts and I remember talking to my mom briefly about her feelings of being Catholic. Her husband overheard me and was quite upset I would make the attempt to change her. I felt awful. My tiny mom only knew one way of Christianity and lived by it since she could remember. She always identified as Catholic even though she had gotten away from it because of how she was treated when her and dad divorced. She was horribly ridiculed. There is a story behind it ... that may surface later. A story I am sure many of us can relate to. But also a story that says, none of us deserve to have stones thrown at us when we all have done something that deserves even the smallest stone. My mom was made to feel bad about being Catholic when she got a divorce, so who was I to question her values when that had already been done simply because ... someone told me to. I remember the conversation that went into priming me to talk to her, 'now honey, you know being Catholic doesn't save you, or don't you want to see your mom in heaven?' Real talk that is made to make you question everything. Makes me angry and hurt. Better stop there.

What I learned from this was how my actions affected my mom. We had our differences, but at this time in both our lives, we needed to re-develop a mother/daughter love and connection with my mom first since we had years of turmoil due to relationships she had been in.

That, to me is an important aspect about expressing beliefs to someone. It requires a relationship with them first.

To let them know you truly care about them in a way that lets them know you can trust them and they can trust you. I never knew exactly what my mom believed in but toward the end of her life, she did pray with me in her most tired and fragile way possible. We said a prayer together and I knew God was there.

This was just one example of the passive agressive behavior and communication I went through myself ... which was no reason for me to retaliate .... but this is a perfect example of how ugliness and the enemy can use us ... one by one. I took that hurt and resentment and placed it into words I used in my blog or social media posts.

Where I am going with this post is there is so much being said on social media that can cause us to question our beliefs, question who we are, question who we will vote for, question what we eat, how we dress, how we exercise, if my God is better than your God, if my parenting is better than yours ... and it can all be put in a way that can be really hurtful and cause some serious anxiety.

Not to mention the fact, there are so many young minds out there that are being molded by social media. Do we really want to create more ugly in the world?

It took me a long time and plenty of therapy and mentoring for me to realize many of the ways I thought for myself were not always good for others. My thoughts did not have to go out into the world during my most destructive times. I thought what I was doing was for the betterment of me and others. It was not. It only caused people to look at me with distrust and sadly disgust. Do you know how long it takes to regain a favorable image? A long time.

That saying, if people won't remember what you said, they will remember how you made them feel. So true. But then again, words on social media stay on social media to be seen over and over and over.

I wanted my daughters to see me in a different light. The older I became taught me that when I die I definitely did not want to be viewed as the person people dreaded seeing in person or on social media. I want to be remembered as the one who encouraged and changed from being bitter to hopeful and ... as Jesus would want.

Questions:

Do you ever think about how you wish to be remembered?

Do you think about the last thing you wrote or said to someone and how that might be the last thing they saw? UGH. Thats a tough one. But sadly, we just never know the day we will die. God does, but we don't.

Our time on earth is so valuable and limited.

#passiveagressive #watchwhatyousay #encouragement #therapy #emotionalwellbeing #socialmedia #singlemomlife #thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #unmakingamess