the room

Yesterday I rested. It wasn't my idea. God knew I needed it and my body found a way to make it happen. The night before I began to feel a scratch in my throat. The next morning I was so tired, I could barely get up. I slowly made my way to the kitchen and put on a kettle of hot water on for tea.

I didn't want coffee and when I realized that I knew I was probably destined to be sitting all day. I so badly wanted to finish the front room where my daughter and I began the work of clearing it out and organizing it to make room for all the stuff she brought home from her college apartment. I was really getting into it the night before - the clearing out, cleaning out, organizing, putting up the curtain rod I had avoided for so long and hanging up the curtain I had just bought that night.

So, when I woke up the next day feeling more than weary I knew I probably just had to give into what my body was telling me. Slow down. Rest. Give yourself a break.

I had been going strong for the last month between working on my yard, cleaning out rooms, taking time at the shop, taking care of a very sick cat, driving my daughter to volleyball practices and agilities, end of school events and my daughters graduation party and ceremony. Absolutely full days. And I'm sure I am missing something.

It did not surprise me that the exhaustion caught up with me.

I got my tea, sat down in the living room with my computer in case I got a second wind - I might want to get some work done. But by noon, I was asleep in the chair.

After sleeping for about an hour, I woke up hungry and made myself a bowl of cereal - convinced that once I ate I would gather up some energy to get something else done that didn't involve my chair and Macbook.

It helped for a while. But I stayed in my chair.

By late afternoon, I was done with the chair. I needed to get fresh air no matter how long it would take me to walk to the flower garden.

I needed the walk and talk with God.

This has much to do with who I am now. I am a single mom. An older single mom. I have a home to take care of. Daughters to guide and take care of. I am still part owner of a coffee shop, though I don't spend as much time there anymore - I still help with quite a bit.

There is only so much I can do in a day and now I realize this. When I was younger, much younger, I used to push myself to finish projects at no cost. Even if it took me until midnight. I am now able to look at an unfinished room and know that if I want it done right, I have to walk away from it when it is time to sit down and watch a show with my daughters.

If it is cloudy and rainy out, I use those days to do something productive inside.

Even if it isn't cloudy I try to finish a task indoors I began the day before.

Still .... it sounds like I am constantly active and it is true. It is a different active for me. It is more caculated and not insisted upon. I don't force it upon myself anymore. Probably because I know I will eventually get it done - whatever it is. Even if it takes me a few months.

I marvel at the idea of who I am now. Older and happier with who I have become. I wish I had discovered myself years before, but that was the time, God was molding me. And it was also the time when I was trying to mold myself. Each time I tried to be who I thought God wanted me to be was the time when I made some of the worst mistakes ever. I'd try super hard to be good, to do right only to get frustrated with the pressure of being exactly polished and then cracking the fabricated mold and taking tons of steps backwards.

I do wish I had begun this process of listening to God more.

I wish I had begun the process of eating better and building the exercise routine in my days sooner.

I wish the silence in me surfaced before I said something that I often regretted.

I wish the brave me had been more brave when I needed it.

So many things I wish had happened sooner. I shake my head at the words that I just wrote because I know ... that's not how it works. "Oh Darlene, it don't work that way." Said a very wise man to me once. A long time friend of our family. Coach Murphy.

It took me a year before I realized how true it was. But now? Now, I realize how extremely true it is. What he meant was, when I am finally ready to let God in my life in ways that even I didn't know I could is when I would be comfortable with who I am. And that is when I am able to help others, care for others, love others and most of all love me for who God intended me to be. You see, I thought way back then after I went through a incredibly difficult time, it was then that God was able to use me ... simply because I 'survived' those circumstances.

Surviving and redeeming yourself from difficult times are two different things. It takes more than just surviving. It takes realizing your part in the matter and what you can do differently to help yourself. To be able to do so much differently that it not only helps you but those around you. Huge learning curve.

Today, I finished the room I began working on weeks ago. As I made my way to my

bedroom, I stopped to look at it and I whispered, 'Thank you God. With you this was possible.'

You probably chuckle at the idea of God being a decorator. I smile at the idea. Not exactly what I mean by thanking Him.

It was more about Him helping me to know when to rest and be patient and how to take care of myself, so I can take care of my girls and much more. Even a room that now holds all my daughters possessions and is another area for us to relax ... and rest.

To me, that was a serious win.

#selfcare #singleparenting #mentalstrength #positivechanges #letGod #restandrelax

Discussion:

What ways did you think you were molding yourself for the better only to realize it was more exhausting and you were just going in circles?

When did you realize you really needed to step back and let God guide you? And how did it feel?

To the single moms out there - are you able to give yourself a resting time each day? If so, when is it and what is your favorite relaxation activity?

Please share and subscribe. I can't wait to hear from you all and see any discussion among yourselves and me too!