...the day is here ...

I was not going to write about today; but as I sit in the shop working on insurance stuff while Clara works on another mural I cannot shake this feeling.

Olivia has been struggling this past month saying this year just feels different. And she is right. Not sure what it is. Perhaps all the new stages the girls are going through.

Annie with her job at Stormont and spending time with her boyfriend Akira. Making plans to visit his home country of New Zealand this December. And pretty much just becoming this incredible adult while leaving much behind her.

She saves as much as she can, while still enjoying many pleasures in life, such as sub-woofers in her car … yes, you heard me correctly. Sub-woofers. I had to borrow her car while she used mine to take Clara to Texas for a College volleyball camp and she told me ‘I turned off the subs for you mom.’ Me:

Did I mention that Akira is from New Zealand? Another soccer player in the family. Remember, when we tried to put girls on a soccer team and all Annie wanted to do was hang onto your leg or have you carry her around? Or the time she picked flowers by the field and in the middle of a practice she walks up to you “I picked you a flower, daddy.” And you picked her up and carried her for the remainder of the practice.

Akira is very nice and kind. He seems to be pulling Annie out of a quiet time and getting her to do all sorts of things. They go swimming together, cooking, shopping or just hanging out. He has been so good for her.

They take it moment by moment, and I am looking forward to meeting his parents come September as they will be here in the states.

Akira and Annie make this stunning couple; both with their dark hair and features. Akira has a tattoo running down the middle of his back, so…. Annie got one too. I admit, she did an amazing job describing what she wanted to the artist and it includes your birth flowers and mine too.

She is a beauty CW.

Not the little girl behind home plate anymore. She is still so tiny. But very much lives her own life.

I know she thinks of you all the time.

She went to your sisters for the 4th. I couldn’t exactly keep it from happening any longer. She loves her cousin. It still made me mad how only Annie is invited ... whatever. Why do I care now?

Breathe Darlene.

I only resisted so many years because … well you know. I never did like the 4th. Way too many crummy memories and I read the text messages on your phone about the days.

Still, it was a reprieve for your daughter and she and Akira looked so beautiful together sitting in the sun.

Olivia has been struggling, but you wouldn’t know it too much because she is rarely home. She is still this strong woman and is doing well.

Sending chats to me and her sisters every day of what she is doing and spending most of her time with Iwan and friends. She is now living in KC. Okay, now I see why it is hitting me this year. Just writing, ‘she is living in KC’ struck my heart and the tears were immediate.

It is the hard realization of you being gone. Telling you of another stage and bridge the girls have crossed.

Back to Olivia. She graduated with honors from Baker University with her degree in Psychology. She and Iwan took another trip back to his home town in Wales this summer, where she is now before she returns home to begin her Masters in Social Work at Washburn University. another lump in my throat and heart

Because you’re not freaking here to see it! SIGH

Breathe Darlene. Can’t.

I turn my computer around and sit on the other side of the table so if Clara comes out she doesn’t see me crying. Not that I can’t show her this.

It’s a protective thing, okay?!

Olivia is gorgeous, smart, savvy and knows this life she wishes for herself. She is also driven and believes in speaking up for those who cannot. Hmm, who does that remind you of?

Yup, she is all that and more.

She and Iwans family went to Greece this summer too. CW, she is seeing the world! Something I always want for our girls. See as much as possible.

heart beating, more tears as …. The Scientist by Coldplay just came on my phone … it was the last song you sent me. —- we could have gotten back together at that time. I know we could have but your 'family' insisted otherwise.*

’Nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, no-one ever said it would be so hard … I’m going back to the start….’

Olivia and I went to Colorado on my birthday to see Coldplay and I pretty much cried throughout that song and Fix You. Suck. Life. Death. We both got tattoos on our wrist that says, Viva La Vida which means, Long Live Life.

Something the girls are trying to do each day.

Your littlest, Clara. A junior this year and now we navigate colleges for her. She is determined to move far away from Kansas. The coast. She heard about a school in Florida, Southeastern University and we are quite determined to get down there yet this year to a volleyball camp if they have one over Christmas break. If not, next year. God Willing of course.

I took her to California last week to a volleyball camp in Riverside, CA. It was amazing! I was quite proud of myself for navigating the whole driving thing down there. We flew there. It was so cool and I am so thankful we got to do it.

Clara … she is a force of nature not to be stopped. She is not that little girl who just went with it all and who was not even totally sure what happened the day you died.

The one you and I battled over when she wanted to play volleyball. I’m sure you don’t remember. Shame I do. Seems those last years of your time on earth is what brings all the pain, anger and hurt and reminders of what you and I could have done different if others weren’t in your face so much. If others weren’t in our damn marriage so much.

BREATHE Darlene** Why do I even care now? I can’t do anything about it.

Okay, back to Clara.

She is a beauty too. Long brown hair with a natural curl, tanned skin and her first tattoo on her right inner arm she designed herself.

She wanted a cardinal to remind her of you along with your birth flower, a daffodil. It is a glorious reminder of you for her.

What was life like between you and her the whole time we were separated? How close were you to her? Seems like the grief is just now hitting her. She really doesn’t cry much at all. Almost refusing to.

She pushes on.

She goes to the gym on a regular basis - which if you were here this would be the time you and she would be bonding. Time at the gym together, no doubt.

She see’s an agility trainer regularly. Colin is great and soft spoken. He really lifts her up and is helping her tremendously with her volleyball agilities.

She is an artist, continues to take immaculate care of her room and herself.

She is seeing a young man, Keaton. They make quite the couple. He has all this hair upon his head and is fairly quiet which I realize that he cannot be that way too much with Clara around. Lol.

Their favorite thing to do? Eat. In particular, Chipotle … often. Criminy, I need to invest in that place.

It is mostly her and I at home now. Annie is gone often on the weekends and goes to bed early.

Annie and Akira took Clara to Texas for a college exposure camp and Clara is pumping away at the emails to coaches.

I will keep you posted.

Writing is helping me to feel better.

Not much in life changes with me. I am selling my half of the shop and working a job as parent support in a psych treatment center for teens. I absolutely LOVE my job. I spend tons of time there. Especially, if our girls aren’t going to be home.

For some reason this year is hitting me different. I normally love time alone in the house, but lately … I kind of resist.

I got on this drinking kick - just being honest here - and not even sure why. I don’t need it to feel better. Life is … good. But it did make some of the pain I feel this year go away. Trouble is, it made other things go away like my desire to work outside as much or do my walking time.

I prayed about it and asked God to take away the desire. God sure can make things happen when He wants to. I haven’t had a drink for 2 weeks. Not really feeling it. Plus, trying to lose some weight again.

I have these friends, Evelyn and Mario and their kids who are this incredible support to me. An absolute God-given friendship. On the 4th when I wasn’t feeling like being home, I went to their house for a while. It helped.

They get me through my days.

I can go to their house and just sit in their kitchen and draw or paint while they do their own thing. Reminds me of being at my sisters house. I need this. And I love them. They call me Aunt Darlene. They are family to me.

Even though we don’t agree on our political views (lol) we still can talk.

I will not even go into what is happening in our nation now. You do not want to know. If ever a time I felt someone was better off not here, it would be now.

Talk about driving a person to drink ….

Random subject now - CW, you died sometime at 1 in the morning on July 20th. You were discovered sometime in the morning maybe between 8 and 10.

All these years I thought, I got the call from your mom around 10:30 in the morning, but as I went back to a message from a friend, I noticed she told me about your death around 3:30 in the afternoon. Only after that did I hear from your mom.

The girls and I went all day not knowing you were dead.

What was your family doing all day that they didn’t tell us? It’s like a segment of my life is missing and much like I should not care about what I don’t have control of … it bothers me.

I saw the texts on your phone where your co-workers were trying to reach you around 7:30 in the morning.

You were long gone by then.

Our minds can do some damage to our mental health. Drives me to the ends wondering what you were thinking that night before. Why the crap you were at that 'females' house alone doing all the work yourself without help.

And most likely how your mind was so consumed with what to do with your life. I also saw the text messages of where your 'family' was telling you not to marry that female. Your 'family' sure was controlling over you, no?

I somehow came across an email from your attorney about dental stuff needing to be taken care of for Clara.

You were telling me you had no money and your attorney was telling you the dentist appointment was my problem to deal with unless it was on your time. What an a$$. I really have other names for him similar to the non-human which leads our country. They have tons in common. Deceitfulness, manipulation, control and nothing but money matters to them.

He was a huge part of your depression. Don’t think I don’t know this.

We all were. It was coming at you from all angles. The only escape you had was alcohol.

I’m sorry C.

I hope it is a heavenly view for you where you are now. And you do have a front row seat to watching your girls.

My heart goes out to the girls who don’t have you here. They needed that.

It blows my mind that I am a single parent who had a (ex) husband and father to my girls who is dead.

I really didn’t think these kind of things would happen in my life.

Then again … didn’t think all sorts of other stuff would happen either.

Which is why, I am determined to persevere. To teach my girls how to handle this life. First with God. Only God. And to let them be who they are. To love who they are. To not judge others. Yet, be cautious and read people well. To live a life that honors those who have gone before us and to NEVER take this life for granted.

I don’t want to be alone. But I also don’t want anyone. My heart is not ready at all.

So upset! I wish so much had been different but the only way it was possible would been for us to live far away from this place.

And had that happen … not sure it would have changed your desire for drinking. Might have made it worse, maybe I would have begun drinking sooner.

Then our girls might not been born …. So many variables.

Not sure people realize how life can change in a heartbeat.

You went into that garage around 11 p.m. and died around 1 a.m. It was July. Why the crap was the garage door closed? Why did you park in the garage? How long did it take you to drink well over the limit?

People say it was an accident. I tell some that. But for the most part … I don’t believe it. I think you knew you didn’t want to be here anymore and death was the only way out.

The only way to escape the voices of me, blasted attorney, ‘family’ voices and influence from all angles .. and the person you were supposed to marry who, from reading all the text messages nobody liked her either.

But she at least got to sit in the funeral opposed to a side room alone like I had to.

Did you know your family did that to me, your girls mom?

Your ‘uncle’ hired a friend to pose as an officer to look like he was in charge of not letting me come into the funeral service. At least that is what your ‘mom’ told me.

Once again, Darlene … who cares!

But … that is how your daughter’s life began without you.

Clara is done working on the mural and it is only 6 p.m.

I really think I need to get home and hop on the mower and play some music really loud in my ears to block out these thoughts.

God knew all along, you know.

He always knows.

Heart beating again. Tears coming. The anger for you for not being here and for letting life get to you ….

I should be ashamed.

Mental health is not to be messed with. And I know you struggled with stuff.

I want to know what the Psy testing said. You know, the psy test your effed up attorney insisted we take as another means to gather more money from you and to shut me up about telling him and the case manager that they needed to pay more attention to your alcoholism.

Ugh, I am jaded today.

I want to know what it said! You got the results not long before this inevitable day.

I’ll never know - no different than all the other things that circle in my mind from those days … months … years.

If I had a can of hard seltzer here, I would down it in a minute just to get rid of this hard feeling in my heart. And the tears that keep trying to break free from my eyes.

I don’t have time to cry. I want Clara to see a strong mom. Sorry folks. I know, it’s okay to let your kids see it. Something about my youngest, I just don’t want her to see it.

Alright, I’ve written enough and thought it helped.

Maybe a little.

CW …?

Love,

Darlene and girls - your 3 girls who miss you so freaking much and need a dad!

#griefjourney #singlemom #death #alcoholism #DepressionAndAnxietyAwareness #suicide #mentalhealthmatters #stayalive #988hotline