sometimes your heart needs to break

Darlene Morgan
Nov 16
7 min read

Painting by Michael Mize - title: Leap of Faith

I drove home singing tonight after leaving an art gallery where I made my first real art print purchase. It was $95 and I knew I could not pass it up.

Singing. I felt it. I went to the store after the gallery and even in the store, I was doing a few moves to the music from my headphones.

Driving home, one of my favorite songs played and I kicked up the volume a bit and patted my chest as the emotions came out through a loud verse.

It felt great and I noticed it well.

I questioned how come I never could do this when I drank. After all, I drank to feel uninhibited. It was meant to relax me and help me to let go of all those terrible feelings. At this time, thank God, nothing too horrible has happened. No condenscending words, no wrecks, no backaches, and no overeating. Please God, do not let this be a call for action.

I believe in You. I promise. I do not need any revelations to help me realize how blessed I am. Please no trials at least for a whiles ... (I had to make that rhyme).

I just want to live.

I can practice what I preach and that is, bringing Jesus into my heart and asking him for grace and salvation does not mean, I won't encounter any problems. It just means, I can get through them a little better.

In fact, the artist whom I purchased the print from based his painting off the idea of Leap of Faith. The artist writes: "light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of Glory beyond all comparison."

I place this belief in my mind as I consider each trial I encountered throughout my life.

When I was a little girl, probably about 7, I remember after my parents separated, each of my older siblings took turns taking care of me.

If they already had their own apartment, they would come pick me up and take me back to their place for a while. I am thankful they did this. I loved having that 1:1 time with them. I didn't ever really know where mom was after the divorce and we still lived in our first home.

I have absolutely no recall of that whole period of time from the divorce until we moved in with mom's 'new husband.'

I think it is interesting how many memories I do have of living at home, or being at one of my siblings apartments. Just drops here and there of when I was a child.

Thinking back to them, many of them were of someone whisking me away.

Walking down the street when I was about 5 - my hand in my big sisters as she needed me to not hear my parents fighting ~

Hopping in my brothers car so he could spend time with me while mom ....

Rushing me to the basement during a tornado where my mom told me it was time for me to pray for everyone

Getting in moms car when I was about 11 and she drove away quickly from the a-holes house who was abusing her

I am not ashamed of our life. My mom did the best she could.

So many other incidents in the mix.

Does it affect me now? Yeah. It all affected me growing up once I left home. Making all sorts of horrible decisions and getting myself into several areas of trouble.

I think about all of this as I realize I felt my best today. Totally sober and present.

Completely aware of the sore muscles in my body from raking up the ditch from a million and a half leaves.

Most of all, the sincere emotion I felt as I saw my middle daughter pull into the driveway tonight by surprise. I smiled so intensely my cheeks hurt and I squeezed her boyfriend and her so tightly I began to cry.

The feeling you get when your child comes home ...there is nothing like it.

I realize now how my mom felt.

Perhaps, also why my mom insisted on cooking for me each time I went to see her. Even though, she barely spent time sitting with me, I have to believe it was just having me in the same house as she for as long as possible.

I get it now, tiny mom.

This time hit even more intensely as it was just a week before when my daughter and I got into an argument where she told me things I had not realized.

Though we hear things that don't feel very good, it is a time for us to use it to better ourselves.

This was one of those times. I needed her to tell me this stuff. There had been an invisible shield that kept her and I from a true mother/daughter connection.

But having spoken with one another and spilling our guts was needed.

The hurt first - the openness next and the time to repair.

When this happened I was driving back from a training I attended 2 hours away. Instead of driving straight home, I drove right to where she was which wasn't far off my path, but it was still quite the detour since it took me an extra hour to get home.

But, I had to do it.

I was not who I was before.

I was not about to rage into wherever she was and tell her how I felt hurt and anger and she needed to respect me. Because I didn't feel anger. I felt hurt, but it was for the right reasons. The hurt you feel when God opens your eyes and heart and lets you know - it is time to remedy.

This might not make much sense, but it does to me.

Part of it hurt because it was something I know I should have done with my son when he was about her age. As I have said - many regrets.

And it can be painful to learn stuff the hard way, especially when it hurts others.

It also hurts because I have often looked for ways to connect with her only to realize, her connection was with her dad and it came easily. Yet, this was the milepost that helped me to realize it was time to create our own connection.

A mom's heart can feel pain when you realize how much your heart needs to break first to open your eyes.

Things been tough for her since her dads passing. She hurt differently and she grieved differently.

I needed to be there differently for her.

But there are times when as hard as we try, it just doesn't cut it.

The drive to her and texting her to let her know I was where she was - that was something we both needed and I was so glad I did that. God spoke to me and let me know - I needed to do this.

I have made plenty of mistakes on how best to care for my children. So many areas I wish I could take back.

Sadly, I don't know how I would have been able to do different before unless I was not under the influence, in therapy, on anti such and such medication and most of all - within the hands of the grace of God.

I was able to meet her and hug her so tight that the feeling came with an immense love that I knew Jesus guided us through.

Sidenote: as a child my family did not hug. We did not show emotions and feelings for one another.

And showing love has been something I had to learn - but without substances and with Christ.

I have discovered how easy it is to show compassion and empathy for others.

I speak for myself here - saying, I've had to endure tons of stuff and get tons of stuff out of my system to be able to show care and love openly.

I am thankful.

In the end here - today was a good day. Sleeping in for way too long - although that was my body saying 'stay asleep!', getting outside for a while, my daughter surprising me, taking myself out and then watching a Christmas movie with my youngest.

Dear Lord, this was one of the most special days in a long time. Can I please have more? Please without incidents?

Tomorrow, I have more to look forward to as my oldest daughter will come home early and we plan ---- uh, I planned for us to hang up Christmas lights.

Oddly, there is generally that weekend during November when the weather is just right for getting on the roof and risking my life.

I'll take it.

Listen, do my stories bore you? I hope not. I try to make them interesting yet transparent and absolutely without fluff. I write them to offer hope to the other single parents. I write them to connect with others who deal with addictions.

I write them to relate with those who have barely survived many times.

I write them because I am still here.

Because, I do feel God telling me - share with others so they know ... they are not alone in the areas of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, single parenting, one hardship after another, and just living. And surviving.

Love you all

And remember, please ask Jesus to come into your heart and ask him to forgive you and provide you with grace and salvation. Because He may not be able to take away the trials, but He does make it easier to go through them and He will walk by your side.

#emptynest #rest #salvation #sober #alcoholism #grief #surviving #soberandpresent