paranoid

Darlene Morgan
Aug 1
7 min read

Updated: Aug 1

What I am listening to these days. Channeling my old metal times — What I am channeling these days. Thanks Ozzy for helping me to become who I am now too!

I drove to work yesterday channeling my heavy metal days. Of course when you're much older it is a bit hard to do.

But listening to Ozzy Osbourne definitely brings back some memories.

Listening to Paranoid by Black Sabbath was one for the record of all throwbacks. I never got to see Ozzy in concert. At least I don't think I did. However, I did ask my ex-husband if we got to see him and he said no. But also threw in he got to see him with Blue Oyster Cult. He just had to tell me that. So jelly. Not really about BOC but that might been cool too.

Nonetheless, I wasn't missing a part of my past as I thought. I did not see Ozzy although I did get to see many other metal concerts in my 20's.

All of them with my ex-husband, Shane. Not his real name since that might go against the rules of writing in a blog... whatever. Like anything is actually sacred these days when it comes to our privacy. Right? Anyway ... --- Respect Shane! Hear me?

Yeah, so Shane and I went to as many concerts as possible. We couldn't always afford them like his friend, Thinner. (again, not a real name - I could actually have fun with this. I want to pick out names that mean something to me, but allows me to remember who the heck I am talking about) As I was saying, we got so jealous each time Thinner went to a concert. But Thinner could go because he still lived at home and could afford it.

On the other hand, Shane and I had been on our own for a while and it was always tight times. We still had plenty of fun and honestly it didn't feel like we were constantly scraping for money other than those first years. Those years, we shall not talk about ... yet.

Before the concert scenes, Thinner and Shane had their own band with a couple other guys. They really imagined they were going to make it in the entertainment industry. That is a bit of a stretch, but you know what I mean.

I feel back then, which we are talking about the mid 80's everyone wanted a band. Everyone was looking for a place to jam and have some kind of studio to practice in.

For these guys since money was tight, the places they used to practice were often old storage spaces atop an office in the downtown areas. Some were really clean and nice which of course, were much more costly for the band. You know, I can't even remember if they had a name for the band.

One place they used to practice was in an old downtown area which is now quite the thriving eclectic area of our city. But back then ... 30 years ago?? It was a dump and not exactly the area you wanted to walk around by yourself in.

Okay, so this place - oh man, you've got to hear this. And if ANY OF YOU tell me you went to this place when it was actually a business, then gross!

It was called the Princess Theater and they used to show X rated movies there or maybe had dancers on the stage. It was gross because the theater seating was red velvet movie seats. Which one does not want to imagine what was going on in those seats when movies were going. I will tell you this - they were not in good condition. End of story about that. Do not let me try to give you a visual.

But honestly the place was pretty darn cool with the stage that had these long red velvet curtains that covered up the screen behind them and the sound room on the second floor balcony that had leftover film equipment and such.

The place perpetually smelled of old water and mold.

So when we went home we smelled the same and far be it from us to consider showering when we got home. Dang, how times have changed for me! I shower as soon as I get home from whatever! If that was me now, back then, I am pretty sure my showers would include a bucket of sanitizer and bleach.

I always requested them to play Paranoid because I loved the guitar riff in it and Thinner did his best to duplicate it.

It seriously is one heck of a display of talented musicians in that song.

Ozzy died a week ago and guess that is the reason I've been on this kick of listening to some of his old songs I am familiar with.

They make me smile or feel young again. 'Feel young again.' Who am I? I am still damn young! Or a propose to be in my mind.

Sometimes, I feel so young and then I look in the mirror and all sticks break loose. But I am accepting more of who I am.

Aging - you can't avoid it but you can take care of yourself so that you age gracefully.

I put so much crap in my system from those days, I give God some serious thanks and praise for keeping me alive and able.

He always knew where I would end up. He knew I would be sitting here at my desk at work writing about all those old days going from one musty studio to another acting like some kind of groupie.

I smile.

And shake my head. I look up out the window of my office and see the back yard area where I have been helping the teenage clients create an oasis.

That is who I am now.

We even have a client here now who loves all that 80's metal and rock music. It's pretty cool to talk about an old band and she knows who I am talking about.

There was truly something about music back then. It was real. The guitars were real. The drums were real. The keyboard real. Singing was awesome. There was no serious dubbing and polishing. When you went to a concert the bands actually sounded like what you heard on their albums.

Those were my days as a young adult. And so much more, I'll write about here and there.

Being nostalgic.

It grounds me. It makes me appreciate being alive right now. It makes me thankful to have experienced some of those hardcore days. Other days ...not so much, but if I am still here, typing away about it all ... how can I ever deny that God had a plan for me?

He did.

He knew all those days, I passed out at 4 or 5 in the morning, I would still wake up to another day. And another day. And another ... until I got here.

Here where I am alive to tell my stories.

God was with me then and He is with me now.

He cared about me. So much, he let me live. He knew all the bad things I was doing and His heart ached for me. I didn't know that. I was just doing my thing the entire time. Minding my own business.

I don't even think I prayed at bed time. And for certain not before meals.

I was someone that many Christians these days think of as a non-Christian. Or the ultimate sinner who did all these things the bible tells us not to do.

I guess, that is why I get pretty emotional when I listen to all these old songs.

They are songs that no way many people won't listen to thinking it will ruin them or God doesn't want you to, or maybe the bible says it's not okay.

I heard a hard core, rock musician say, 'No one wants critical, 'You can't do this or that' religion. People want authentic love, ....' As said by Brian Welch.

And if God allowed me to get through all those times, He knew he had a purpose for me. Who am I to say His purpose didn't include listening to all those crushing songs and doing all those drugs. No, God didn't put them in my hands, but He didn't stop it until, I had to stop it.

I didn't stop it gracefully. I gradually quit.

It turned me into who I am now. Whether, I liked it or not. Too many days I look back I do not like what I see.

However, I can look back and reference those memories to use them to help others now.

Do you know the beauty of this?

The beauty of this is not judging people for going through all that stuff now. For me to see them with eyes of Jesus. To know, that yes, it hurts my heart to see them hurt themselves, but to know, I am no critic. No judge. God is the judge of all. I don't have to worry about that burden of trying to determine if a person is doing right or wrong. I may not agree with what a person is doing, but I simply cannot judge them by their choices.

All I can do is love them as Jesus loved me when I was a pain in the butt all those years.

He knew.

God knew who I would become and who I was becoming during those days.

1 Corinthians 9:22 - Some are weak. I have become weak so I might lead them to Christ. I have become like every person so in every way I might lead some to Christ.

Wow - how true is that of me. All those people whom those who act 'righteous' over the others are me. I was all things before I became who I am now. And I mean all things.

The tough, the hard, the stoned, the weak, the disgusted, the addict, the hurt, the one of poor choices ... all of them.

So, the next time we think of judging someone by their choices without having lived them, consider you are judging someone Jesus loves and knows exactly who they are or who they will become. And He didn't try to change them. He loved them knowing that there is someone out there who can be someone to them.

And even bring the worse (like I was) to salvation.

By the way, we referred to Ozzy as the Prince of Darkness, I am sure many feel he wasn't saved because of all he sang about and how he acted. But wasn't he? Who knows. I don't think that. You can't exactly know what his purpose was here on earth. It was to give tons of phenomenal music to generations ... maybe he didn't exactly bring people to Christ or maybe in some aspects he did? How do you know?

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