me ... still

Darlene Morgan
Sep 21
11 min read

I am so effing sad, depressed, lonely and exhausted. Not physically exhausted but mentally and emotionally.

Does this mean, when you see me tomorrow or whenever, I will look this way? No. I don't do that. It is called functional. When alone in a bedroom and all you can do is think and imagine saying things that you want to yell but you know where that got you in the past ... you let it dwell deep inside of you.

As it is, when I write, I still wake up the next day and wonder if my writing was okay. Like did I say too much? Did I say it right? Should I have not been so transparent? Will people think I am referring to them?

Honestly, how do writers write and it becomes so impactful? They write about things that have affected them and by doing this, they are writing authentically and genuinely.

The difference between me now and me back then when I did dysfunctional writing is, I am more eloquent in my words. Although, I put fingers to keyboard and just let them follow my thoughts, it is clearly apparent that my thoughts are more considerate now. Okay - thats a lie .... NOT ALWAYS! But, who would I be if I didn't think harsh thoughts? It is inevitable and if you think it isn't then you are lying to yourself.

Maybe I know people who don't think super despising thoughts, like Christian people, but if you send a meme or write in a post about someone, you are no better. That is what I struggle with.

I get frustrated and feel bad for the people in memes that have no idea they are being used because of the way they dance or their weight. Or how they look while walking through a store. I feel genuinely bad for them.

Enough of that. Went off on a tangent there because that was one of the things I was thinking about as I thought about Christians.

I thought about how I never knew who CK was. Not a clue. And to a certain extent, I almost felt left out because I wasn't hopping on the grief others were feeling over his death. I didn't know him! And really, I am not sure that is totally a bad thing. I say this ... (I had to think about this and trust me, my brain was all over the place) anyway, I thought about this because, had I known him I would feel something. I would feel pulled in the direction of division more than I already do now. Because, I cannot validate all that he was. I have no idea who he was other than I know he was ultra conservative. Some people say he spoke openly about racism and others say he spoke of love. Until I take the time to read some of his work, I should not be placed in a region of guilt for not feeling the same as others over his death.

I have been at odds with friends whom were close to me because I spoke openly about how the trajectory of the h@te that is going around and the rhetoric of slander is allowed so much these days and I think it comes from the 'upper' authority. My ass got slammed for this.

I admit, I got pretty brave to speak of these things to ladies whom I thought I could say this to because they were friends, only to realize it was not as safe as I thought.

That upset me. Not in a mad way in a shocking way.

I don't want division in my life anymore.

I am fine having it with some that only set out to hurt me and blame me for things I was not responsible for. I hold complete accountability for stuff that I should have tried harder to change. I don't need the burning hot coals, thrown on me to make me feel worse than I did - I’m talking about something from years ago.

I don't want to be a perfect Christian and sometimes I feel that is expected of me if I don't think or do as others.

Have you ever had a [Christian] friend whom you got along with well, and liked alot and then politics, gender stuff, babies, sex, or anything that is controversial came up and it upset the friend. Then although they tell you its okay and they love you but suddenly you realized they stopped calling you, or texting you or even liking your posts. And it is then you realize they are choosing. Or they feel caught between situations that might cause others to feel a certain way about them.

Years ago I was friends with my ex-husbands wife. Like for real. But at times, it wasn't always smooth friending. Because there were times she disagreed with me and made sure I knew it by not calling me or liking my posts. It was really hard being her friend. I felt hurt if she distanced herself from me after I did something she didn't agree with. Example. I was married by then, but my husband wasn't fond of me being friends with my ex and his wife. So, if I cancelled on having dinner with them, to 'respect' my husband she held it against me. I was caught. I felt confused. I will never forget how when I would call to try and talk to her, she would answer, 'hello.' Instead of Hi! or Hey girl. It was scary and just flipping bothered me. I had to work for her friendship. She and I are not friends now ... of course. She laid into me for being a terrible mom to my son which, again, I kind of don't need someone telling me how crappy I am when I already deal with shame.

That is where part of this depression comes from. You would think at an 'older' age, you don't have to deal with wondering if you can be honest with friends or not, they just accept you as you are and if they don't they actually talk to you and you work it out.

But when you don't hear from them and they stop liking your stuff on media ... you just know.

Stupid social media. It is a true dividing mechanism among people. I mean seriously, look at it.

But is it? What is to blame? Hey, I ain't going down that path anymore, I already feel bad enough. And I am not saying stuff to shift blame. We all have to take accountability for our own gunk. And trust me, I've had plenty of practice. I like taking accountability. It is relieving. Actually, I like doing it to super duper call myself out before others do. Kind of a control thing with my wrong stuff. Hey, if I am gonna control anything may has well be something I did.

And this blog isn't about being 'liked' by others. I know what it's like to not be liked - it doesn't feel so great, but you get through it and realize God does place people in your life and then, he casually removes them for one reason or another. But for me, I try to gather understanding and learning from all circumstances.

The reason I bring up the idea of someone not 'liking' your posts is because it is about the message it sends when you thought all along someone was aligned with you friendship-wise.

I literally do not understand why we cannot be more honest with ourselves and others - especially once you get to a certain age.

I got to talk with one of my long time girlfriends and was able to pour out some stuff to her. Like about a guy I met and how he didn't turn out to be whom I hoped for.

Way more than just that to it. But she really helped me. We talked about our Christianity and what that is like for us. She is going to a bible study with me. I love that.

But speaking of the guy who didn't work out ...

I am a person who is willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Like this person was not a church goer, or talked openly about Jesus. But do you know why I still met him?

Because who am I to say, God didn't put him in my path anyway to talk to him about Christ? I return to the question and topic that also fuels me. I cannot just meet a guy who is the full package. Don't get me creating a persona okay? It's depressing. Dating at my age.

So, instead, I just try to think that if I am meant to meet someone who may not be the 'whole' Christian, then maybe, I can give it a chance. Because maybe he is someone whom I can share my Christianity with. Isn't that what we are supposed to do??!!! ARG!

I get so mad.

I am sitting here on my bed, door open to my deck. The cool breeze coming in. I should be happy, content. But I am not.

As you can see all those thoughts - written above plague me. Among so much.

Even alcohol wasn't taking it away. In fact, it just pissed me off. Sorry for the cussing. Really sorry. But, no! I didn't even want to drink and although I had one seltzer while I mowed, it didn't even taste good. I guess that is a good thing. Is someone out there (besides me) praying to take away the desire to drink? Because, not sure I appreciate that.

I want something to remove this confusion and down feeling.

I made dinner for the second time this week. Even my daughter made the comment last time how we haven't had dinner at home in a long time. Mom fail again.

I made dinner but guess who is home tonight? Me. Oh yeah, and me.

My daughters are at their friends or boyfriends and I am good with that.

Don't they dare ever think they need to be here to keep me from feeling like I do. I will get past this.

I had an invite to go to my girlfriends house, but by the time I was done mowing, it was almost 8 and I was a mess. Sweaty, grassy mess.

Oh, low and behold, one daughter is home. I need to feel better. Seriously, I do not like my girls seeing me this way.

It is a good thing I didn't do any crying. Not really have much in the way of tears lately.

Just feelings.

I wanted to get these feelings out here to try and relate to someone.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to the loneliness, the lack of sincerity, the confusion over who you are and need or can be around people, the who can you talk to and who can't you talk to, or maybe why you cannot shake the depressed feeling.

You need more Jesus, that is the problem. Your drinking is keeping you from Him. You have 'hateful' feelings (I only wrote that H word, to explain), you need more bible time, you need to hang around more Christians, you shouldn't be agreeing with that stuff, 'its too secular, that music will cause you to think bad things, you aren't relying on Jesus, you are letting other things come before Jesus, you don't need therapy - Jesus will take care of it, medicine doesn't fix it, you need Jesus, mind over matter, there is no such thing as depression - Jesus will fix it ...

Okay, listen, I know this was a pretty dang depressing post. But, it is me. Me, right now. Someone told me, 'I pray you don't settle for just being you.' Which was a response to my words of This is just me, and if you can't accept me like this, then are we really being Christians.'

I return to these words over and over as they seem to resonate over and over throughout our world. As Christians who are we supposed to be? And who are we supposed to accept?

Are we supposed to change people? And why do we think our friends should accept us for who we are?

I wholly accept kind correction and criticism from people who know me. Who truly invest in the time to know me and I know them.

Am I settling to just be me? Uh, no. I think that is more than apparent. I simply cannot. In fact, I have people tell me all the time to relax and just try not to worry so much about changing so many aspects about myself to please others.

I consider who I am around everyone. I don't think I can always be the same person around each person. I can be me, but I am different around R than I might be around S, or I may open up more to L because ... because ... L has known me for years and it's kind of hard to pull the wool over someone who knows you and see's all the ways you have not changed, yet all the ways you have or continue to try.

I am still .... I still have the heavy heart. Not because I sit here alone, although maybe that is it a little bit. It is because, ... because .... I just hurt. Not over loss of friends over years, not over lack of a partner, not over my girls not here for dinner ... but sometimes a body and mind just hurts.

I do have Christ in my life. Probably in ways that others do not ... remember, even though I don't Christian like you does not make me less than.

I still want to share my testimony with others because I am me. And the me I am is so freaking broken, Christ see's it and knows He can use me to share His love. Because He doesn't need me to be polished to talk with others.

This was another long one. Another post from a broken heart. But, being broken doesn't mean I'm going to bring you down. If you are around me. I am not built that way.

I am made in the image of Christ - as in, I can write real stuff, real feelings and not be afraid of shedding light on the me you don't see.

And can I just say, writing about circumstances in my life does not mean I am blaming others for my disparity. Or my actions. If anyone takes full account of her actions it is me. I had this talk the other day with a group and I said, if I did something wrong, I want to be the one to share it with others. It may sound strange, but I really don't mind pointing out my inadequacies. I just do it cause, I don't want others doing it for me. I am competitive with my stupidness.

When I am around others, the ones whom I can be what you read here, it means, you are my friend and I am thankful I can be open with you.

If you are someone who is feeling hurt, pain or anger or anything, I put away my depression and hurt to focus on you.

I heard once, that to relieve us of our pain or hurt, it does help us to be where we can help others. This is so dang true.

Thank you. Whoever you are for reading this, thank you.

good night and whoever you are, I am sorry for your pain. I am here for you.

Oh - incidentally, I don't edit my writing right away, I have to just get it out and step away from my Mac so I am sorry for any mistakes, I do correct them.

Oh also, please ask Jesus to come into your heart, mind and soul. Because He may not take away all the tough stuff, but He is there to walk along side you through it.

💜💜💜John 3:16

***Jesus, help me to repent of my sins and surrender my life. Wash me clean. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.”

💜💜💜

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #depression #alcoholism #lonely #sadness