me on meloncholy

Darlene Morgan
Sep 19
7 min read

My puppy, Bentley. My little buddy. He does provide contentment to me. 💛

By the time you get to the end of this, you are probably thinking, dang, that girl needs a serious case of Jesus. I know that.

But I cannot help it if I have big feelings and emotions. It is part of who I am and I would much rather have those feelings opposed to just ignoring situations or not caring what people think.

It is one thing to care what others think of you, yet another to know when it matters.

I told my friend this evening - just kind of fed up with stuff but actually very thankful that at this point I’m not letting things get to me. And yes, I’ve had a couple drinks, but I still feel my actual emotions and realize that some things just aren’t worth the fight, especially if you have to fight to keep them. What I have learned over time is that there are things worth fighting for, and full admittance here, I've not been so good at it. Not because I don't care, but because when I hurt, I just do not want to feel it so it is better to digress and remove opposed to face and feel.

That is sad stuff there.

Which is a huge reason I have found myself sipping on alcohol now and then. Although today came with some feelings, I was okay. I did come home and have a drink and realized it was not what I needed. I associated mowing, with drinking, with therapy, with removing myself from reality.

Poor choices. Except the mowing part. I would have done better had I more daylight. Mowing helps me greatly. With music in my ears, I am able to listen to songs that resonate with my mood. Singing very loud releases tons of endorphins.

Still, at some point I have to come down and face what I am feeling.

My problem is, I think I need to be content with life on a regular basis. Which speaks to my issue of staying 'active or productive' or ... the times I drink. The thought of alcohol right now makes me ill. I am a believer that God can take away the desire. I have to put in the work as well and I also have to be conscious of the mental strength needed.

I don't like feeling hurt. I have been this way my entire life.

When I felt upset, sad, angry or hurt I went right to writing. I have journals and diaries that go back to my teen years. I loved collecting them.

I can now go back and see how much I have changed. Just because I drink does not mean, there is lack of change in me. It is part of me.

The part that has changed in me is how I react to things. I am way better than I have been. There are very few people in my life who have seen the change. It is those who have seen it and know me well and still like me are the ones I value advice from. And am thankful they tell me that I am doing better. And also tell me what I need to stop doing or what to work on.

My daughters, knowing I was feeling some way, made me dinner (with a side of popcorn and a note. I just didn't want to share all that was on the note because I don't want to be viewed as a sentimental idiot. But I am so thankful for my daughters. We have truly come a long way. And this was even AFTER I got on them about trash and chores. We can talk now. Thank God.

I think I focus way too much on my emotions and feelings. I do not understand why I cannot just live this life and not think so much about stuff. I just want to wake up, get dressed, go to work, not think about what the day will bring, if it brings troubles or anything I can say, 'oh well, today wasn't so great, but tomorrow is another day.' Rolling my eyes here.

Crap. Revelation. Why am I not applying this rule?

Do you know, I went to work feeling pretty good and thankful it was Friday.

I messaged a friend and was happy with that, made some needed phone calls, got notes done, exchanged more texts with a sports mom who helped me gather my thoughts on volleyball stuff - that was a big relief - sat at lunch with one of the resident groups ... that was interesting! They seriously make me smile. Even when they are being rambunctious. Their thoughts and conversations are all over the place. You cannot help but take a deep breath and release.

I continued with my job stuff and then I looked at a social media and all the stuff on media .... familar faces, words, actions, peoples comments, memes and stuff I wish I had not seen immediately dug at my heart. In an instant my elated mood went down.

All I could think about was getting home to mow and have a drink to make it go away.

Instead, I talked with someone I've known for years who did not disparge anyone nor me. But instead, let me know, it would be okay. And ... was proud of me for handing stuff better than I had in the past.

A small win.

But, it wasn't quite enough. I often feel, I don't do enough to let go.

Of course, I pray to God. I've told you, He has gotten me through so much, therefore, perhaps this is the reason for our past.

It gives me a chance to look back and see where things have been worse and how Jesus has pulled me out. Has helped me get through .... it all.

I have this impecable ability to read people. To know their emotions or how they might be handling something. It is both a blessing and a curse and it kind of reminds me of my sister who worked in the medical field.

As she was dying from cancer, she knew exactly what her body was going through and the possibility of healing and then the reality of dying. Blessing and a curse.

Perhaps, the reason I know how others handle stuff is because, I have done it too. You get to this point in life where nothing surprises you.

Almost as if, you know it is coming. Or if you act on something, you know the potential outcome. So for me, if I act on a situation, I know what I might be in for. I guess you could say I still am to blame for my actions. Sh*t. I freaking dislike that! Why the heck did I write that? Shaking head now.

Have I grown up and handled things better? Yes. Do I learn. For the most part.

But, if I think I need to live this life flawlessly and with full contentment, I am a fool. Dang. I'm a fool. Insert substances here which have been in 70% of my life.

I have this ridiculous notion that since I have sufferered some pretty terrible things over the last 50+ years, I am due for peace and quiet. Dummy.

I think there is a part in the bible that talks about embracing when challenges come because it allows us the chance to grow closer to Christ. I am right on His hip. Me = Ankle-biter.

My head hurts now.

I might feel depleted right now. But at least I am feeling physically better. And two of my daughters are home this weekend. I love that.

And I love my dog, Bentley who stays by my side.

I am meloncholy right now. [Definition: depression of spirits.] I literally love that. It's like I am spirited in depression. Yeah. (nodding head looking in distance) And feeling content about this. Holy crap. A content moment.

I can hear the people playing tennis and laughing across the field at the tennis courts. Or they might be playing sand volleyball.

I do not mind this. My door open, a cool breeze coming in. I smile.

I am not depressed all the time.

I am trying to let the toxins go.

I am trying to be okay with 'good enough' when I get work done around our home. Not as in 'okay good enough', and it still looks garbled. I mean, I am better at giving in to a stopping point. A win.

Stuff still hurts my feelings. That doesn't go away with age.

Yet, as I look at life, and consider the time I have left on this earth, I think about what I have. Where God has brought me. It doesn't hurt like it used to. Plus, I guess I do feel I can share the hurt with Christ.

I am sitting on my bed. Not laying on it crying as I have often in the past where I had no idea if I could ever be happy.

I know now, that I can be happy. But the word happy just does not capture that sensation part of me. I think I have felt it. I know when I feel ... happy.

It is like an acceptance feeling. I accept who I am in the moment and everything around me.

Too deep? Well, welcome to my brain.

It is now midnight and I wish to finish my Netflix show. Suits.

Nothing left in me.

You're welcome.

Until next time.

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #depression #alcoholaddiction #onbeinghappy #contentment #prayfirst #believeinyourself #acceptance #meloncholy