me and alcohol

Darlene Morgan
Sep 8
9 min read

Updated: Sep 9

I was actually still sick this day but determined to get my butt outside and mow at least part of the pasture.

I've been sick since last Thursday. Today is Monday. That is 5 days and I still do not feel the best.

I think there might be only one person in this world who understands me and knows how much I despise being sick. He knows this of me because he knows I love my active days and energy. It is my previous business partner and friend, Chris.

I think it is amazing how he retains such information.

But, that is what people with big brains do and also those who care.

I care alot for others, I just simply cannot retain information. I contribute that to all the pot I smoked back in my younger days. I do think that stuff, deteriates brain cells. I mean, substances in general can do this, not just weed. Alcohol for instance can certainly do it.

I sit here in my bed watching Suits and then I switched to Wednesday, and realized I have not written in a while and I just want to keep up.

It helps me.

I have not actually been well lately. I don't just mean physically, but I have not totally liked the person I have been. And this annoys me. I do not get it. Nothing can truly get to me, but my heart has been short a circuit and my mind has been focused on me. I hate that.

Focused on how depressed I can get, how un-depressed I can get, how to stop feeling depressed and ... how alcohol has played a roll in all this.

This is not an easy post to write, but hey, I am the one who began writing and I have to tell you ... I do not always lead the words that get written. I just sit here and eat sour gummy worms while letting my fingers do the typing.

I had two friends whom I love that tried to talk to me out of drinking a while back ago. After that, I felt ashamed of what I told them.

But I also knew as I drove away from their house that it is my depression that drives me to drink. It is the past that I cannot escape. It is trying to keep up with this life that I should feel blessed by that makes me wonder how in the world I got so .... lucky - strike that, there is no such thing as luck. We make the life we create and hold. I didn't get lucky, I got Christ.

He is the reason for who I am and all that we have.

I am not saying He is the reason I drink. No, not that. But for who I actually am. And who I actually am is this person who loves people. I am a thankful person. I am generous, giving the shirt off my back if needed. I actually did this last week when my youngest needed my sweatshirt. lol. I knelt down by a school table, took the shirt off and replaced it with a t-shirt I had just bought at a thrift store.

Okay, not exactly the same, but ... clothes are clothes. And they come and go. Plus, not much of what we buy is purchased new.

Alcohol is not the problem. The thoughts that swirl throughout my mind are. I absolutely dislike having to deal with the more serious issues in life. I will. I will take care of what I need to. Such as insurance, doctor appointments, helping my daughters get cars fixed, making sure I am paying our bills. I have to tell you. I do not know why I drink because it does nothing for me. (Most of the time) I almost feel it is just a second-nature task in my life.

I grew up around it, I did it when I was a teen and throughout most of my life.

So, how come when I tell people, how horrible I was when I was drinking through my divorce I think about ... how that was the 'only' time I did it?

Because it impacted my life. That is why. I knew exactly what I was doing when I flushed alcohol into my system for 3 years straight. I was completely avoiding. There was no way in ... well, you know ... no way I was going to feel anything during those divorce years. I disliked them to a core. I can go back to them in my mind and the feeling I have in my chest gets heavy in an instant. And yet, I knew I was only drowning myself for one reason.

And when it was time to quit, I did so easily.

I only was able to do so because God needed me to. Of course, I would not have realized that until 7 months later when my ex died. I tell everyone that the reason I quit drinking was because God needed me to be fully sober and present. It actually makes a great title for a book, if you think about it. Fully Sober and Present. Yup. I did and I was for many years until this past year. Actually until these past few months.

But, my friend was right. Drinking on top of taking anti-depression pills only creates more depression. I have to play that out here.

The venlefaxine keeps me from feeling depressed, the drinking is a sedative ... so ... I guess they combat each other. It is no wonder, my brain and thoughts are all weird and that is saying it lightly.

Imagine if I actually got wise and quit drinking? I do not drink tons. One or two seltzers every couple days. But apparently that is enough to call yourself an alcoholic.

I am honestly not proud of this, nor happy with it.

Disclosure, do not, I repeat do not allow this post to give you permission to drink alcoholic beverages - that is not why I write about it. Keep reading.

But all my life, I have been under the influence of something. And yet, I am still who I am. I am the one who works her butt off around our house, who genuinely cares for the clients and their families I work with - the one who wants to see my daughters succeed in whatever is best for them, I am the one who has the compassion for those in need. It literally eats away at me, when I think about the single parents out there who are striving so hard to get by and all this inflation takes it toll not just on them but so many others.

We can barely get by.

I don't let alcohol get in the way of what I need to do. I commit to the life Christ has given me. Call me a sinner if you will for placing that into my body. But remember, you also have your tendencies. Not sure who I am talking to there, but suspect 'those' who continue to track me, know. And for the record, I didn't drink throughout the entirety of my marriage; I only began [to really do so] when the divorce proceedings began. Did not like all that was happening. Wait. That’s a lie. I did take a drink before I went to those ‘family —- gatherings’ of his. The only way I tolerated being dismissed was to dismiss myself before hand.

But now?

I just simply don't want to feel stuff all the time - you know - like getting old and feeling old and ... looking old. Way to go Darlene, just make it worse with alcohol cause it can mess with your skin? I know smoking makes you more wrinkled. Anyway, off subject.

Do you ever truly wonder who you are? How do people do it anyway? Like, wake up and be who they are. Totally content with life. Is there anyone out there who truly is?

Perhaps, me writing all this and knowing my children may see it will concern some of you - or even me.

But if I hide any part of me then isn't that also being fake?

I do not want my children to develop the desire to drink. I want them to find healthy ways to acknowledge the truths, hurts, pain and challenges in life. And they are. But I want to reinforce that all the more so now and always.

They are stronger than me. I insist on it.

The other day one of them approached me about all the money I took in from selling my half of the coffee shop.

It was not a pleasant discussion for me. Only because it touched on how I will take care of myself when I am .... old. Like super old. I didn't have a good explanation for my daughter. Nothing other than, God has taken care of me this far, and I know He will continue to do so.

As well as, I pray to meet the right man who will share life with me. Although, that was met with, 'yeah, mom, that can happen if you open your heart to someone for once.' Ouch. It hurts to even think of that now.

She was right. Sure, I have a heart for many, but opening it up to a man? I just rolled my eyes, did you feel it? And I just sighed real big. He is not out there. Sure, my friends tell me he is and how God will bring that person into my life.

I know. I mean after all, I prayed for God to bring that person into my life with the girls dad and God did. Then all he** broke loose (with alcohol and invasive people) and our marriage disintegrated. So, yes, can God bring the right one into our life? Yes, He can and He can also take them away.

I do want to meet someone who has their life together better than me. (That's easy.) But, if I met someone who might be struggling to know God, am I going to kick him to the curb simply because he does not share in my love for Christ? No, I want to give him a chance to know Christ through me because after all, if we only align ourselves with others 'like us' then how will we ever introduce Christ into other peoples lives? Jesus didn't even do that.

I guess, I just don't want to always play by the 'rules'. Go figure. Have I ever? No, and that is why God has allowed me to survive so much. He needs me. Fully sober and present. Jesus, I am sorry I drink ... uh, a little more frequently than I should. I know you have a plan for me. And you also know the day I will put away the toxins.

And I know this too.

Being a human is so freakin hard sometimes. And exhausting.

I just want to be happy again. And not sick. Being sick makes me irritable.

So this is what you get. The waspish side of me. I looked that one up. Looked up synonyms for irritable.

I think I write much better when I am feeling waspy. Cranky. Choleric. Crotchety.

You know what I have been afraid of when it comes to revealing that I still drink?

Losing friends who took me for someone who is stronger than that.

Interesting isn't it?

And for my children to read: I can't tell you to not drink. It's not realistic. Except for the youngest, I can tell her that and know she doesn't want to anyway. But others, please don't and don't make it something you rely on to be someone you prefer to be instead. That is not real. Plus, you are all pretty damn awesome being who you are. And no, not saying that as your mom. Saying it because it is true. God made you to be that person. Don't go changing .... to try and please me. Sorry, didn't mean to write that last part, but Billy Joel just came to mind. That was his song right?

Love you all. And shockenly ... I did write all this sober. I mean, I am not drinking all the time. I promise.

Again, this is not intended to make alcohol and drinking acceptable. I am not happy I do it. Find other ways to get your mind off the crummy stuff. Don't use substances. They cannot clear your thoughts from long time ago pain. Does not work that way, and trust me, not drinking and turning to execise is way more fun. Or painting. Or more coffee! Or anything other than drinking. I promise.

Not even sure why I wrote about it. I am telling you. Open up MacBook and empty blog post and the keys just take on a life of their own. Not kidding.

Transparency. I simply cannot live without it. Appropriately, of course. Stop writing!

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#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #depression #alcoholism #hypocricy #trustChrist