depression and alcohol

Darlene Morgan
Jul 27
8 min read

I told a friend who encouraged me to do more writing that I do my best writing when I am feeling depressed … or anxious.

I found this strange of myself, but discovered it’s truth as I went back and looked at all my blog posts. And in particular how the You Tube video that got the most views and likes was one titled ‘taking you into my attack’ but that might have been a deceiving title. Maybe people were thinking an actual physical attack and they wanted to hear more about it. But it was about one of my anxiety attacks. Nonetheless, it got tons of views. And maybe I just don’t give myself enough credit for being a good writer.

The blog with the most views on my online blog, Unmaking a Mess, was the dear cw letter.

People seem to resonate with the grief letters.

It is a true display of my feelings and emotions. All those words and thoughts just come out so easily.

But, instead of waiting on the depressed moment to occur so I can get words on paper, I decided there is nothing wrong with just writing about my days.

After all, those dejected moments are still with me throughout the day though I am able to bypass them by staying active.

I listened to a video about Dan Reynolds, the singer for Imagine Dragons, one of my favorite bands. And the interviewed asked him what writing songs was like. Dan said he will create from how he is feeling and doesn’t find it difficult.

It is a very personal thing to him.

I can relate to this. Sometimes I will jot down some feelings when I am out and unable to get to a computer or get to it until later.

But for the most part, I just have to write what I am feeling in the moment. Oddly enough, though I am not a morning person, when I wake up is the time my mind seems to have tons of thoughts and ideas. Another time is when I am driving and listening to songs that have meaning to my life. I get so anxious to write and feel incredibly ambitious.

It is almost like these big highs and lows.

The girls seem to worry about me now that I am spending more time alone.

As I said before, I don’t mind it. I can get a lot done when they are not here. But I find myself going from one task to another. Definitely getting sidetracked often. It is a part of who I am for certain. I get bored easily and need to change it up.

I don’t like always sitting in my feelings either. I seem to need some kind of white noise in the background or just my music to drown out thoughts and … the fact I am alone.

If I don’t do that I will start to drink easily. I swear, I am not an alcoholic, but apparently, if you even have one drink a day you are considered one.

I did talk to my doctor about it yesterday; I went to see her because I’ve had trouble breathing and my heart is pumping out of my body each morning. I also run out of breath easily. Then throw on some acid reflux on top of it all … well, I freaked out a bit before I took Clara to California as I was explaining this to a nurse on the phone, she told me according to the symptoms I’ve been having I needed to go to the ER right away. I literally cursed myself for calling her to make the appointment to see my doctor.

I did not want to think about me having some kind of heart condition before I got on a plane.

I tried hard to determine when exactly it was that I was running out of breath. It was sporadic throughout my days.

Nonetheless … as I was driving home from work, I stopped at Walmart and got me an inhaler. That is it! I diagnosed myself has having asthma. Done.

And, I did what any normal single mom who is on a mission would do. I prayed. Big time! ‘Dear Lord, please no. I do not need this now before I take my daughter to California for this camp. I do not want to disappoint her or worry her! Please God, let me get through this trip and I promise I’ll see the doctor as soon as I get back.’

Bargaining with the Lord. Perfect. Christianity. I mean, do any of us have it right? Heck no. And if anyone thinks they do, come at me bro. I’ll show you the side of my life that has been a Christian all my life and all the ways that I screwed up. And look, I’m still here and yeah, God still accepts me.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, heart issues, inhaler and a full blown anxiety attack as I was praying and wondering if I had time to run to the emergency room to get ‘cleared’ to go.

I said, ‘screw it.’ God could have taken me plenty of other times. This is not the time. And off we went.

When we got back to Kansas, as I was walking into work that morning, I noticed that my shortness of breath was back and I realized I didn’t have that issue when I was in California. Except for the time, Clara and I were running through the airport like a scene from Home Alone. That seemed right.

I chalked it up to the humidity in Kansas.

And of course, I called the doctor and saw her a few days later.

I told her all about my breathing, heart issues in the morning, acid reflux and the drinking.

Let me tell you something, if you talk to people you trust about your drinking concerns you will get a wealth of answers. It is up to you to decide which advice to take, but mostly decide who you are and why you do it.

As I told my doctor about the past couple times I went overboard on my drinking and why, she explained to me that having a beer or seltzer after mowing the lawn was one thing; but to have several to just take away the pain and hurt I felt and to remove all feelings was a ‘slippery slope.’ She was right.

I do not like have all those painful thoughts and regrets circling around in my brain. It’s not only annoying but it keeps me from getting stuff done. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Especially me, an aging woman who has TONS to do before she kicks the bucket.

She told me, I needed to get back into therapy as all those grief thoughts and hard memories needed to be talked about so I could deal with them properly. Hmp. So … downing 3 seltzers in a row doesn’t do that? Dang. I mean, I do talk to myself in the process. Hurry, make it go away.

Okay, listen, I’m not making fun of us who drink to make it go away, but that is pretty damn dumb. And I know the girls dad did this.

Crap, he had it coming from so many angles, I am genuinely surprised he didn’t drink more. Or wait … never mind. That was a really bad statement. He was drinking tons. And smoking on top of that. Cigs, nothing else.

So, I promised my doctor I would see the therapist that comes to our agency as a perk of working there. She comes once a month and if we want to see her more, we can. Hope she’s ready for all this. Cause the 30 minutes she gives us is not going to cut it for me.

My doctor also added the reason to deal with this is because, there is no amount of medication that can take away all those thoughts. Numb it maybe, but they need to be spoken and figured out.

She was right.

And it’s not just the marriage stuff, his death, how he died, my issues, who I was during the marriage, divorce and death … I have more to get out.

Like the a$$hole who ruined my mom’s marriage and life. Sometimes I really wish he was still alive so I could go give him a piece of my mind. But if he was he’d be super old and unassuming and all it would do is be a thorn I stepped on. The wound is still there.

My therapist did help me to realize my mom’s marriage to this ‘man’ was something I carry around now.

By that we discovered how her attention to him and lack thereof to me, had much to do with hidden anger. And some abandonment issues. True. True.

I was abandoned by my mom often and what does any teenager do in those moments? Drinks, smokes weed, has sex too early and makes the mistake of friending a guy who was too old. And guess what- this crap still happens now! For me, the old[er] guy did not hurt me. Creep for sure. But one day I asked him what statutory rape was and he never approached me again.

I must admit - I had some skilled conniving in me even back then. I mean, I am not that way now! Okay?! Geez. I was like that because, I wanted him to know I wasn’t stupid! I really disliked being looked at like I don’t know what I am doing. I clearly knew what I was doing was wrong when I let that guy into our trailer.

I can see through people. Although, that one was a given. Damn, I sure did put myself into some risky predicaments … often.

And, I was placed in some horrible predicaments … often.

But, I am here now. Decades later. And the thoughts still consume my brain and now and then make me feel like I am dumb or not worthy.

I struggle with this complex often.

I get pretty darn surprised when I do something cool or right and am complimented on it.

I went through a stage where all I did was talk and assume I was right about everything I said. I was just loud.

Then a stage where I just tried to be quiet.

Now, I think before I speak. …. most of the time.

I don’t want to sound ridiculous but I also don’t want to be a wallflower. [anymore]

There are plenty of things to speak up about - Good Lord, don’t you know!

I guess if I had one good thing to say about me is, I don’t need alcohol to say what is on my mind.

I can fully do it sober.

Why is alcohol such a subject for me? Criminy. Let it go.

Because, it can make you or break you.

It can alter you in ways you don’t even realize.

And, I remember the girls dad telling me that in order for him to feel like he fit in or was able to talk to people was to have a drink first.

How sad it is to not know how to be you in front of other people. To not know how to communicate or feel like you are being judged just by what you say.

Most of the time, it is in our heads, although other times you are surrounded by people who want you to be like them.

I don’t want to be like anyone else!

I want to be me and not feel guilt and shame for it!

I know I have issues and am functionally depressed and deal with anxiety, but at least I know now.

I am also a plant lover, love my dog, Bentley, tolerate our cat Murray, I know getting my hands in the dirt is full on therapeutic for me - I love singing super loud when mowing the pasture, I love our humble abode, I am thankful for the lake across from our home and most of all … I am okay.

I may have made some pretty terrible mistakes as a mom, wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter … but God already knew and He knew I would be able to be forgiven and experience grace from those errors. Now if only I can give myself grace and forgiveness.

#anxietyattacks #diary #journal #prayfirst #believeinyourself #alcoholism #depression #therapy #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess