dear cw

Happy Fathers Day to you. This day always comes with some emotions. But we are happy. And we are doing well. Thanks to God.

Let me tell you a little bit of whats been happening in our world.

Olivia is home from college. She has been doing well in school and even received honors and a departmental scholarship for her school work. On the Deans Honor Roll, Class Treasurer, shares an apartment with other girls, and so much more. She continues to golf and for the most part enjoys it. It is a frustrating sport and even I am surprised at how well she maintains composure for it.

While at home, she works for First Tee which is a golf program for kids ages 6 to 16 (I think)

where they also learn life skills. She does a wonderful job handling that. It's really good for her and definitely gives her some insight and experience for her future career in Psychology. She only has one year left at college! Then she plans to work on her Masters. Can you believe it?? Seriously unreal. I feel like we just moved her in. A sheer indication to how fast time goes by.

She and Iwan are doing great. He is living in Kansas City for the summer and is playing soccer on a minor league team. Olivia and her sisters have gone to watch him a couple times. I am so glad they go and do stuff like this together. I know Iwan loves having them there too.

Iwan is taking Olivia back to Wales this summer and his family is taking them to Florence, Italy. Talk about a huge blessing! Last year, London! God is so good. I want the girls to travel as much as possible.

Annie just got a job at Brewster Place as a CNA. She has adapted quite well to her position there. We all love hearing how she is taking care of the residents. They already mean so much to her. She received her CNA certification in May and got the job shortly after. You would be so proud of her! She has come quite far from picking daisys for you at soccer practice. LOL! Soccer that only lasted a few weeks? If that? Can you believe we tried to put the girls in soccer? Oh well, we had to see where their strengths were. Sure made for some fun memories.

Annie plans to go back to Washburn Tech in August for her Sterile Processing certification. This would take her into a job where surgeries are conducted and she would be the one to clean all the equipment and tools. It pays well. She said there was no way she was going to rack up college debt. Smart girl.

She continues to see Will, too. They are doing fine. They all went to Iwan's soccer game yesterday. I was glad Will went with them. He got a motorcycle and Annie is not fond of it. lol! But he is a young man and that is what he wanted. Much like Annie and her 'new' car. She loves her KIA. And she is doing good at taking care of it. She also loves her cat, Murray. He got super sick a few months ago and we had to take him to the vet to get tons of medication to keep him alive. The vet didn't have a good outlook for him but we prayed like mad and that little kitty sure did make it! Thank God. Even though MurMur isn't much for cuddling like Annie wishes, he does make her quite happy.

Clara just went to a K-State 2 day volleyball camp. Yes, purple. But, she researched their program some and wanted to see what it was like. She can totally have goals. I tell her, work hard and be the best you can be so you can make the choices instead of someone making them for you or put in the work instead of not doing it and then you're not prepared if an opportunity comes along. Her club volleyball season ended too soon. I will be of full admittance here. The KC team was not what we expected at all. And I will leave it at that. She still wants to join them next season, but its not a wise way to spend our money, unless something great happens.

So we are praying about it and seeking out other clubs. I just want her to be happy and surrounded by other athletes who have the same work ethic. This is the year! We are going to be positive! And keep praying!

As you might know, she left travel softball to focus on volleyball. I never in my life imagined having a full weekend to ourselves this soon. Yet, even with her not playing we are still on the go with volleyball camps, tournaments and she is guest playing a couple times with a softball team. So that is fun.

Clara is a spark! She is still as active as ever and growing up as quickly. I look at her and have no idea where our little girl went. She has her own style, keeps her room oddly immaculate, got her drivers permit which barely does any good - she is not keen on driving. This summer she has been to the pool several times with friends - something I don't think she has been able to enjoy in years, she wears her sisters clothes without asking them which creates quite a ruckus from time to time and she puts in a few hours here and there at the coffee shop. But her trainer at Fitrition might be having her work with him once they get a new location established on our side of town. She is looking forward to that. She does enjoy going to agilities and it shows on her muscular legs. Yes, you would be so proud of her.

As for me, well I had some health concerns that was more anxiety the end of last year but it

was enough to open my eyes to taking better care of myself. Not until I went to the doctor in March for continued breathing issues did I realize how awful I felt about my body and energy level. I spoke to others my age about eating and exercise and I kicked myself into gear, losing 23 pounds since March 24. I actually bought two dresses! Much of my workout comes from working in the yard. Something I also have time for now that our weekends are free. C - I love it! It is so theraputic and I think even you would be shocked at the changes and improvements I've made. I am shocked! No boyfriend yet. Met a few, but most are just ... needy or not very honest. Which is annoying. Not to mention, our girls are above all my focus and will be until Clara goes to college and they are all set for the most part - God-willing!

C, I love those girls so much. Those first couple years after you died were so crappy for me. So much unnecessary stuff going on, hard core grief, resentment from many angles, sadness and survival being the priority. With each year, we all grew up a little more, accepted it a little more, got stronger a little more, began different areas of our lives a little more and miss you a little more each time we cross a life event.

It's been six years since you've been gone, and I cannot believe how you died. Stuff like that doesn't happen often and I find it hard to believe it happened in our family.

I have done much inner soul searching about your death. I'm always going to have regrets over tons of stuff.

Yet, I am also working on giving myself much needed grace. And forgiveness for each of us.

I think about why it happened - your death. My mind has been gravitating to much speculation I've had for years, but is also becoming more centered on some difficult thoughts.

To some it may seem a waste of time to consider the 'why' but for me, perhaps I try to find reason in order to put it to rest. But not sure I'll ever get to the resting part, as I don't anticipate the thoughts will ever go away. They might become softer but I'd be lying if I didn't say, there lies a heavy feeling in my heart that has a tiny bit of a grasp on the why. Especially based on the anger of some.

Part of my life changes is dealing with letting go of regrets and angers. Go me. But necessary if I want to be fully present for our girls in the most healthy way possible - mentally and physically.

Death will change you.

It has changed me. So much death in my family. But your death has changed me. Through it all - the bitterness, the arguments, the ridiculous ways we handled discussions - I work on flipping the switch and consider the fact we married for a reason. We had our 3 girls and they are God-given. That is where I must apply my attention.

I pray you are having a Happy Fathers Day and I will always pray that somehow someway, God allows you to get a glimpse now and then of your daughters. Those 3 beautiful girls you and I created.

Love,

Darlene

All the rest of the photos I wanted to share with you.

We truly made a beautiful family and I will never let that go from my heart.