life

Man, I wish my sister was here. I might not be running with her anymore but I know she’d be hanging out to work in my yard with me.

She would question why I do so much and perpetually tell me to be careful! Then she’d jump in to help.

We would have so much fun!

She would have all the answers for me I need. And then some.

All too often she would tell me ‘Let it go, it’s not worth worrying about.’

So true.

Together we would miss our tiny mom dearly.

Together we’d make trips to KC now because my girls are grown.

Together we’d sit for coffee at the shop. I’d introduce her to all the people I know.

Together we could grow old.

I was with her so many of her final days.

Trying to get her to eat. Or sip on something.

3 sisters gone - 2 from cancer. A brother gone - also from cancer.

Some days I know why I do what I do. To honor and fulfill this life fully for them.

Yesterday brought on more questions about my future and finances.

If Vivian was here she would know what to say.

“Why don’t you …”

And I would say, “Really?” She would lift me up in the more direct yet caring way possible.

She would know.

I tell my girls - friends will come and go but your siblings will ALWAYS be there.

No matter the arguments - the disagreements, the differences - they will always be there.

I had different relationships with each my sisters.

Cindy was a principal and she died at a time when I was a total mess. I regret that. I was there during her last days but not in the way I wish I was. Or the way I wish she would have seen me last.

Becky and Carl got to see me in a more stable place - finally.

But Vivian and Cindy - I wish they were here so very much so we could bond in ways we couldn’t before.

This is life and it’s life without those lives.

All we can do now is live this life passionately for them.

Sitting here on my porch drinking coffee reminds me - I still have life.

I have the life they didn’t get to have.

So why waste it? I am not.

I’m going to protect this peace I have now. It is valuable.

And I’ll keep sticking up for what I know is right.

And above all - take care of my girls.

This is a God given life.

Live your life for those who’ve gone before you. Decide how you want to do that for them  and do it to the fullest and most joyfully, exhausted way possible!

#GodGivenLife #life #grief #dealingwithgrief #singleparenting #protectyourpeace #sisters #siblings #cancer #cancersucks #sisterlybonds #liveyourlife #unmakingamess #trustGod