the natural high

Darlene Morgan
Nov 8
7 min read

I'm not sure what is happening but I cannot decide if I am annoyed by it, grateful for it or just not ready to let go.

Last weekend I did not want to drink. Highly unusual. I tried to have a drink while I was cleaning house and I suddenly got the 'blech' from it and tossed it. I resorted to coffee.

Then on Sunday evening around 7 my daughter came home and I was so happy about it, I ran upstairs and grabbed a seltzer and began to drink it. I went to the grocery store and came home and a couple hours later I didn't feel good. One freaking drink!

In the most subtle way possible, I have asked God to take away the desire to drink. I cannot say I have actually wanted that.

However, what we want for ourselves and what He wants are CLEARLY two different things. Something is changing in me ... yet, once again. My body and mind is a social experiment and would be a scientific jewel for a researching psychologist. I do have donor on my drivers license ... just saying.

In church, our pastor was focusing on Ephesians 4 regarding, one body and one faith and always having Christ at the center of it all.

He went on to talk about the differences among people and yet how though there are differences, we should focus on the one thing we agree on and that is Jesus.

I thought about this.

Since early September, I have not felt good. More hurt than anything. It is the posts I see of others and how our country uses social media to air their grievances and anger so frequently -more so lately.

I know I am no better. It does have a slightly satisfying feel to it when we can align ourselves with others of the same mind.

However, I take a moment to think about what our pastor said in church last week.

Make every effort to keep the bond of peace
Remember what unites us; focus on what brings us together
Build up the body
Find maturity in Christ

He mentioned something about returning to ourselves and the joy we bring. Or maybe I was imagining this, but all I know is I felt his sermon was speaking to me.

I have not been my usual happy self.

The natural happy.

I have been horribly jaded toward Christians. The entire country and those who say they are Christians. I would see stuff on social media and the reactions that are expressed to one another.

They are harsh and insensitive. It is painful to read and see. I blocked tons of media that was directed to politics of any kind. [I am working on removing this brusque attitude for them, a friend is helping me]

I think about Christ and how this was not Him at all. If we are going to call ourselves Christ-like and Christians then why are we not acting like Jesus did? I mean, after all, they did make bracelets and created a nice little acronym to remind you to ask WWJD?

And I feel fairly certain he would not deny people the opportunity that He had. He would feed and care for the oppressed in fact, more so for them. There is always enough to go around.

I have taken my anguish and let it relish in the alcohol. It's been like I don't have time for distress nor the time to go outside and work to remove it. So, the quick and easy method of removing the anxiety was to drink it away.

But last weekend, it felt like I had some kind of allergic reaction to the substance. As if, someone is taking away my joy.

My joy of drinking.

So, while sitting in church and taking in what the pastor was saying, I looked back to who I was a few months ago. Walking around, feeling much lighter (not body wise, still need to work on that), but less weight on my shoulders. Able to breathe. Smile. Joke easily. Less intrusive thoughts.

I wanted that back.

It wasn't just losing friends but also managing other things in life and trying not to screw up. I am shadowed by past incidents that cause me to feel inferior and incapable. So anytime even the slightest rejection surfaces, I want it to go away. I do not want to feel it. I had to feel that crap all my years growing up.

I am a sucker for wanting to please everyone.

And I am a true empath. I feel it all. All the emotions and feelings of others. It doesn't bother me, especially when it comes to knowing when someone just needs me to sit with them and listen.

The desire to drink is diminishing and I don't know why. Google it, my brain says. lol. So ridiculous. It feels like a security blanket is being taken away. Now, I know how Linus felt when it was laundry day at his house and his blanket needed to be washed.

He had to live without it for a good couple hours.

I need to live without alcohol for a good permanent time.

Not going to lie. It makes me feel sad.

How can a person get used to a substance? As in, one that is your protective barrier?

I talk about relying on God - completely - which I do. I trust Him with our lives.

I cry out to Him often and praise Him even more when we get through stuff.

Christ is our Armor. Our Veil of Protection.

For me? I've needed instant gratification. And that is what alcohol does. It removes it all. It is not cliche for a person to feel like they can take on the world when they are intoxicated. Duh. But, it is about the mental health side. How, it removes the anxiety. It removes the worry. It removes the lack of confidence. It removes the poor self-esteem. Alcohol is the magic drug that you take when you do not want to feel the pain. Or when you just want to forget it all.

*****I recall years upon years ago when I was doing meth and coke. I was getting so tired of staying up all night and sleeping during the days. I would do this every weekend and when Monday came, I was a bloody mess. It took me until Thursday to feel somewhat normal again. But there came a time when I didn't want that. I wanted to be like other humans who would sleep at night and wake up in the mornings. I didn't pray to God to take away that desire for those drugs, but something in me decided I was done. So I quit.****

Been like this my whole life I feel. Like I have always needed to rely on some kind of substance to feel adequate.

I have always wanted to be accepted for just who I am. Who I am without all the crud.

I have wanted to just be me and think of how hard that is for many of us.

Social media if factually a wreck to our souls.

We are so dang influenced by it. That also may be something I need to remove, but no way. I aim to use it for good.

I will always have the strong side of me that stands up for the oppressed and for those who are unable to use their voices. I will always want to leave a mark on this earth with people knowing, all I could do is try and in some aspects that trying actually worked.

We have more than enough in our country. And I think it is so sad how careless we can be with our money.

When I bought my daughter her car after we found out her old car was totaled, there was a side to me that ran through all the finances and the money needed and the money available and I considered how much I spent on alcohol each week and how it could clearly be put to better use. Like for food. I felt the shame well up in me. I am glad I have that heart that feels the weight of it all.

If this isn't reason enough to quit drinking, I don't know how much more it'll take. God saved her. She had to crawl out the passenger side. And she is okay. Thank you God.

So, quitting not only is for my own good, but for my children and budget. I have no idea if I will be able to give it up entirely. But as of now, I've not had a drink for 6 days.

The last time I quit was in January of 2018. For some reason it was easier then because I had more to focus on. As if, I do not have enough to focus on this time? My life, my body, my children for Goodness sakes is more than enough.

I believe in the power of prayer. My prayers to remove the desire for alcohol were not spoken in true honesty. But, I was compelled to still pray them. I have felt I had to. Drinking is not good for me.

I realize I talk alot about the drinking. That is because it is what is occupying my spare time, my go to for crappy days and my go to for happy moments.

I don't know what I want to do. I just know, I want to be fully happy again. Naturally. I want my natural high back.

Please remember to ask Christ to come into your heart and ask Him for salvation. Because though, He may not be able to remove all the challenges, He most certainly will walk through them with you. And I can attest, He does make it more manageable. John 3:16

Love,

Darlene

P.S. Incidentally, after I wrote that last line and added the #john3v16 to it, my post forced me to refresh my page and I lost all my writing! Arg.

So, I apologize for any mistakes but I am ready to get some soup on and maybe start a nice little fire in the fire place.

#sober #diary #journal #prayfirst #believeinyourself #alcoholism #breakingfree