own who you are chick

Darlene Morgan
Dec 6, 2024
7 min read

After seeing a friend tonight whom I had not seen for almost a year, I realize that the last time I saw him, I was actually getting this YouTube channel and my podcast going and I remember thinking how discouraged I felt that I only had a handful of subscribers or views.

Now, I actually have a few more subscribers definitely more views and that makes me really happy and thankful.

I want to get on here and write to talk a little bit about the roller coaster of emotions and anxiety that I've been going through. I recorded this post first and am still doing my videos without a written script. I feel really good about that because I think it's a great way for me to just be me and who I am - messes and all.

You're getting genuine, authentic messed up mom, or happy mom or feeling good mom or incredibly emotional mom and I want to relate to you.

I know my last couple of videos and blog I have kind of gone on and on about getting my job, working at the shop or not working at the shop, trying to sell the shop and then having some really crummy days.

By the time I went to edit my last transcript for my blog, Unmaking a Mess, I realized I was feeling pretty good so it was kind of strange to read the words that I had written from the week before. It just goes to show how things can change in a heartbeat.

That's who I want to be. I want to show you that I am not polished. I am not the type with the attitude and stubborn personality [anymore]. I am thankful for where I am now compared to several months ago. I still struggle a lot with depression and anxiety and then I have these super fantastic days as of lately and that is something I want to write about.

When I go back and I read my words or I watch the videos where I'm just not feeling the best, I get this guilty, shameful feeling as if I should not complain about some of the smallest things. It's not really complaining - it’s struggling with stuff that is difficult for a single mom.

I wish all the time I had somebody who could back me up and support me when I deal with disgruntled people or help me with my daughter when she doesn't want to talk to me.

Those issues will burrow in my mind and create a depressed and anxious feeling in me. I’ve gotten really good at pushing them aside and reminding myself those thoughts need to wait. But when they lay dormant until something triggers them, it just adds another layer to my overall uncertainty. I push myself to get over hump and give it all to God. I let a few days go by before I get a reboot and get back to being myself.

Those words - ‘being myself’ - everything makes up for who I am. So I find it strange how I can say back to being myself as if it is supposed imply ‘when I am happy’ I am most myself.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and after that I spent most of my time with my mom. She kind of made some crummy choices in men after leaving dad and she never truly seemed happy. As a matter of fact, I don’t think she ever was happy in her own skin. I just don’t think that ever was going to happen. She seemed to have this cautious outlook about her and as a result as I approached my teen years, I just cut loose. I didn’t want to always be worried about anything. I wanted to not care about anything and do as I please. All that for another day. However, when I became a mom the second time around with my girls, I acquired that perpetual cautionary, down and dreaded feeling. I have talked about before where everything had like this ultimate crisis about it or negativity about it.

It has only been in recent years … as in after all the deaths that surround me, have I learned how to avoid the trepidatious feelings.

I am learning how some of the smallest tribulations in our lives are just going to happen and it doesn't mean that it has to be followed with anger, resentment, sadness, depression or fear, but when those things do happen, I can't feel guilty about them or sit around and wait for them to pass.

I have to remind myself this is just part of human nature and who I am. I am working on accepting me. I think what bothers me the most are the drastic ups and downs, and wondering if when the ups are happening if they are genuine or not. I feel they are genuine.

They have to be because they often occur when I don't care what I'm wearing or what I look like - I can totally just hang out with my daughters and say something completely ridiculous, get up and do a funny dance, maybe do something dumb like hold a stare as long as possible when girls are trying to get my attention … and that's when I know I have little essence of me, of Darlene.

That person I can be now [oftentimes] was there years upon years ago and I remember during my recent marriage how many times I used to wish I could bring out that side of me. I remember a few times when I actually did do something on the goofy side, I was accused of taking drugs or drinking or if there was [this is really transparent here, but I'm just gonna write it anyway] …. if there was this side of me that really felt intimate and wanted to be sexy for my husband, I was accused of doing ecstasy, even though that was a natural part of me along with the goofiness.

So I just quit being that person and I stuffed it all away. I buried it and never felt like I could show that side of me. But, now I know I can and I don't care if it embarrasses my daughters or they tell me to stop being weird. I want them to see me for who I really am and who I've been before.

And, I want them to be able to see the depressed side of me and the sad side of me and the fearful side of me and I want them to see that side come back around so they know what is actually possible in a person's life.

After I started at my job and I continued to do everything else, from my typical tasks for the shop, dealing with home repairs, car problems and overall questioning my existence as a mom with older girls - it just was getting to me. I would get off work and my heart would start racing and beating hard or I’d have trouble catching my breath and I know that's the anxiety. It’s my body telling me I am trying to do too much. Then it is the soulful side of me saying, I need to prioritize for the sake of my health and my children. It is a major part of who I am and knowing this allows me to accept it. I'm not ashamed of it. I mean it's not like our entire world is on medication.

Many people don't take medication for stuff like this. They just smoke pot instead or they drink alcohol - if my anxiety was there years upon years ago, when I was smoking pot, I guess that's how I was self medicating without knowing it so there.

There is some hard truth for you and I'm glad that I got that out there because that's a revelation for me that literally just came out in this blog. You are reading about it first! (Newsflash) Being able to talk through stuff like this helps me to discover more about who I am. It’s not like I need facts and science to realize that, I used to smoke pot recreationally. I didn't know that I was struggling back then; I knew I had problems but for me, I was simply existing … I was on this constant need for stimulation because I would be too afraid to slow down and stop. I always had to be doing something. So I would get confused and really uptight about things, but I was doing a lot of drugs back then and smoking more weed than ever so I never really had a chance to realize who I was.

Then, years pass and I go through these times where I start to grow up and my families change, and people die and all of a sudden I get to be in my 50s and confront what I actually want in life and … what makes me tick - which brings me to the here and now.

So, I find myself on this up and down rollercoaster and to be honest, I don't like it when I toggle back and forth between super happy and uplifting and then really down. But, it’s me. And come to think of it, those down days are not impossible. I am learning to navigate them. I pray a whole heck of a lot! I joke and say, God probably gets tired of listening to me.

My life is one day to the next and I’ve got to live it the best I absolutely can and take care of myself and my children.

Insight: We have to be who we are and own it. I don’t know why that is so hard to do for many of us. I have struggled with this for years! And I am just now getting used to the idea of really being me.

If we are not hurting ourselves or someone else, why can’t we own up to who we are? It can be a scary thing to do. But we need to learn to say, ‘what the heck, why not?!’

Be super brave about your existence!

Just freakin’ own it chick! (I had to say that for me too!)

Let me know what's going on in your life and how you're doing.

#ownwhoyouare #anxietyattacks #prayfirst #believeinyourself #okaytobeokay

#thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess