growing up sucks

Darlene Morgan
Nov 18, 2024
11 min read

When I first created my Facebook page years upon years ago I told myself that I was absolutely going to be honest and real. I wasn't just going to post stuff that was all happy, family oriented and only the good times - and I have pretty much followed my own rules for the last several years.

Minus those several months when I was going through my divorce and I splattered all sorts of repulsive posts …. I feel like I might have went back and deleted a lot of it. At least I hope so.

On the other hand, here is a sheer example of my wishy-washy self. I have posted a few photos of my happiness on Facebook. So now I feel like I am not telling you the entire truth. Listen, it is hard being in my head. I have wonderful moments and do so especially when I am moving - on the move. An active mind works better for me - an idle mind just sucks the life out of me.

This post has taken me a week or so just to edit and get on my blog. This post dictates exactly how I was feeling that week.

But has I re-read it and think about finding such contentment these last few days, I feel so hypocritical. Like I am not speaking the truth. Just because I person posts a happy face, only means in that moment the endorphins were working and you were feeling good.

I mention this about who I am and how I have written for the past several years because I continue to struggle quite a bit. I have talked or written about things not going exactly as I hope or perhaps just facing days that tend to require tons of exertion to get through.

It just makes me feel ridiculous to think my issues are so bad I have to write about them.

Especially when I work in a field where there are people and families who suffer and have greater problems than me. However, it is the reason I have my blog and YouTube channel - because we all go through something and I am willing to put myself out there no matter what the issue is that I may have.

I think about the families I help and how wonderful and dear these moms are. They don't deserve what they go through, yet they show strength. There is so much we can learn from those who struggle. Resilience - determination - change - advocacy and a sheer desire to survive and live.

Bottom line, we cannot compare ourselves to others - let alone compare our problems to others. This is my life and this is where God has me at this time. So to just be super true and honest with you, I have absolutely been struggling lately. My mind is absolutely driving me up the wall. I feel like I'm thinking way too much about everything and I have diverted back to some of my old ways of trying to control certain things.

Whereas it took me years upon years to release and let go and know that God is the one that is in charge of my life and I need to just follow His lead.

I am having all sorts of issues with this being on my own soon and knowing if I am doing the right things for myself and my daughters.

I literally go through major ups and downs about being a good mom, a good employer, a good shop owner, a non-shop owner, with leaving the shop, taking care of our home - all of it. I simply do not have the confidence I used to have. I am floating and pretty much simply going through the motions every single day.

I contacted my doctor a week ago or so and told her how I am back to waking up and having those anxious feelings again, I get off work and my heart is beating and then there is the trouble breathing; of course it's just all related back to anxiety and that bothers me because I felt like I was really getting away from it.

I was feeling good about who I am and where I'm at as well as feeling like a decent single parent.

It's harder than usual lately. I have to force myself to be content. It's not coming as natural as I want it to.

I’m gonna tell you a few things that are bringing me to this place of uncertainty.

My daughters are getting older and they're having their own life which I could not be happier for. Of course I want this for them, I want nothing but the best for them. We have endured so much!

This quote is absolutely true: ‘We didn't come this far to only come this far.’ Word.

I want my daughters to embrace life and do things I never was able to to do. I want them to be stronger than I ever could've been at their age and enjoy life. They are enjoying life and doing it in a positive healthy way. Even at my youngest daughters age, she is being someone that I was not at her age. She is the opposite of who I was at her age.

(Maybe that is why I went through what I did)

I also love that my two older daughters are spending more time together. My middle daughter has a boyfriend at the same college her sister goes to and so they all hang out together; two guys who are both soccer players and then the two sisters - what better?! How much more could a mom asked for? To have her two daughters bonding and doing stuff together! It’s wonderful! As long as they are making the right choices of course.

A side note: because my middle daughter went to her first college Halloween frat party I had to pray with her and tell her and her sister about the things I don't want them to do, what to watch out for and to always keep an eye out for each other.

I am thankful my daughter came back and was honest with me about having a drink; I did not get upset and thanked her for being honest. I waited a good 24 hours before approaching her again which is a huge improvement in who I am. It worried me (go figurer) that maybe I'm not doing enough to protect her or give her direction, but waiting the 24 hours was smart because I wanted to catch her at a time when it was just her and I. I wanted to reaffirm how she comes from a family background where alcoholism is a apparent, therefore she and her sisters must be super careful. I asked her what it felt like when she drank and she said well it relaxed her and she was able to be more sociable and talk to others. I told her that's exactly how her dad got started and he was very honest about it. He said the same thing about alcohol and how it made him more comfortable around people and able to talk.

So it was a reality check and an opportunity for me to say ‘hey you gotta be careful’. I emphasized it's not something she would want to fall back on just because you can't talk to people - you’ve got to find your own way to communicate without having to drink. I also talked to her about watching her drink [whatever it was] and how to never leave it alone where someone can tamper with it. We talked about sex - regarding protection and diseases. This daughter has made up her mind that she does not want to have children. I respect her decision and she has given me reasons for that. Therefore, all the more reason she needs to be careful to not make any mistakes, even before she decides who she truly wants to marry. I was flat out honest with her about carelessly having sex and how it takes away the intimacy with the one person you want to marry. I also talked with her about how to get in and out of her car when she is in strange places - let alone anywhere.

My youngest daughter is also growing up quickly and spends much time with her friends when not doing her homework, relaxing or at a practice or the gym. One weekend she was gone from Saturday afternoon until Sunday night which left me alone pretty much the entire weekend. On Sunday morning, I had to give myself a pep talk just to go to church by myself. But, I did it. Grabbed my coffee and a almond butter and jelly sandwich and off I went. Afterwards, I went to a large home improvement store to get extra Christmas lights, then to Walmart for a few things and then I went to a friends house to visit for a while. Sounds like pretty much a perfect morning and afternoon, wouldn’t you say?

However, where I was going with this before I digressed was the one other thing that has me thinking often about my insecurity.

Besides my daughters growing up and having their own life away from me?

About a month or two ago I was telling myself how much I was embracing this time alone. I was on a trail walk and I felt fabulous. I was telling myself how important it is for me to do things on my own. It was almost as if, no sooner did I begin to feel good about this new stage of having more alone time all these doubts of my purpose enter my head. And I find myself wondering how I can continue to be a need for my daughters.

You get to this era where your daughters and sons don't need you as much anymore.

Yes, I want them to be self-sufficient, that IS the point of raising your kids - to teach them to know right from wrong, be independent and I should be focusing on those things instead of drawing attention on myself and poor pitiful me. I just do not want to have the anxiety anymore, the lack of confidence, the concerns of growing older and not being there for my girls or them not needing me anymore.

Let me give you an example.

My daughter wanted to borrow my camera for a soccer game about an hour away and when she said that I jumped at the chance to take it to her because the game would be in this little town that had boutiques and a super cute local coffee shop. But as soon as I agreed she rescinded her request and told me ‘Oh don't worry about it. You don't need to.’ I had to explain to her why I was seizing this chance to deliver the camera to her. To let her know that not only was this a day trip for me but also to walk up the street to this adorable little downtown and spend time shopping and hanging out at a coffee shop. I just pray that God allows me to do more stuff like this because I'm not the kind of person who will go to an extravagant spa or anything like that. Lately, I have felt like I need to redefine myself - good grief, I sound like I am going through a midlife crisis which I'm far from midlife so not sure what I call this. I had to reassure my daughter that I was seizing this chance to take a drive on my own and also do something for her. Explaining to her that as they all get older, there is less I need to do for them, so when I hear they need something, I want to help in addition to making this a day for myself too. Win:win.

I was able to grasp another occasion for myself this past weekend.

My same girl, I will call her my Baker girl - was doing a short presentation at a conference about 2 hours away. And once again she mentioned it then took back her invitation for me to come down that day. I know what it is. There was a time long ago when I resisted doing as much. I was the ‘no’ mom. Each time girls asked me to do something, it was often received with a ‘no, not now.’ For some reason, I always felt I had other things I had to do. Well, after a few people die on you and you find the years moving by pretty darn quickly, you realize how much you want to do while you can still move.

So, she later told me it was too long of a drive for me to come listen for only 10 minutes.

Well, I showed her! I already looked up the conference and saw other presentations that were very appealing to me. So, I booked myself a room at the same hotel as her and registered for the conference.

I made sure I had my clothes ready to be packed and I left town at 1:30.

This is purpose for me! It's like finding my purpose in the stage I am at in life with my kids.

Just struggling with anxiety is one thing but combine it with how I cannot get a date to save my life well now that really plays a number on your mentality. I am exaggerating because I have been on a few different dates in the last couple months but I also feel like I have conjured those meetings up. That is the old side of me, where I am determined to find that ‘right person’ instead of letting God do the work for me. I woke up the other morning and I said ‘God don't let me do it again.’ As in do not let me go on another date that I know is most likely not right for me. The dates are not terrible. I genuinely enjoy chatting with the person I am with. Especially over a drink, appetizer or coffee. It’s just not working. Inevitably it seems to go wrong as in one person and I just totally disagree on politics and the other person disagree that I stay in touch with my ex-husband and I have these two men that are my friends. Or, we just don’t connect. Not to mention, it’s not fair to the other person, if I am not in the right frame of mind. I strongly believe in mutual attraction, too.

I think the whole point I am getting at is - I’m trying to control that area of my life which is a huge no-no. It has attacked my self-esteem as well physical well-being because the younger part of me used to be able to go out and meet man with no problem but those weren't great relationships. So, if I find any wisdom from this, it is, I won’t go back to who I was and just meet anyone and call it a day. There has to be some strong connection between us and by that I mean - it must be God ordained. God knows who I have been and who I am now and what my needs and wants are. And I feel pretty sure there is a male out there saying the same thing and we will run into each other in the produce aisle of the grocery store and all our fruit will fall out of our baskets. HA! That should tell you I have been watching entirely too many Hallmark movies.

But - this is me and if you can relate, I would love to hear your stories and what you're going through in your 50s and how difficult it's been for you or how it's not difficult and how you embrace this empty nest stuff - how you approach it and love it. That would mean a great deal to me to hear your perspectives. And if you like - tell me how you met someone later in life and how did it happen? I want to hear your Hallmark scene!

Prayers to you all. Remember to ask God to come into your heart and to your soul to your mind because with him and actually does make things go much better. I can definitely attest to that. I'm thankful that He is by my side and is someone whom I can go to. It doesn't mean that all these problems are gonna be swept under the rug or go away but with Him he does make it so much easier on you when you do go through stuff.

#anxietyattacks #prayfirst #believeinyourself #thehereandnow #life #thinking #shiftingthoughts #singlemomlife #unmakingamess, #singlemomlife #emptynest