God. That is all I say.

Darlene Morgan
Feb 2
8 min read

Updated: Mar 2

Early morning drive to a volleyball tournament on a Sunday morning.

God. That is all I say when I think something horrible or I have thoughts about people that I know are not right. God. I am about to approach the long road home where the highway is dark and a deer or any animal could pop out anytime. God. When I read the news articles that threaten our well being. God. When I read all the political bashing back and forth and I want to give my opinion. God. When I read about people trying to escape a horrific situation to live somewhere safe and my heart just hurts for them.

God. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?

Right now, my heart feels heavy in my chest and I can feel it rising in my throat.

I was skimming articles about tariffs and cost of products going up. I think of our small shop and the people who support us each day. Many whom don't make a huge living.

They just want coffee and a sandwich.

I text the other owner. It reminds me of the day when I texted my ex-husband after the planes flew into the World Trade Center. I texted him to ask him if we should take our son out of school and take him home? He responded with, 'No. It will be okay.' But the uncertain feeling continued to rise within me and I could barely work the rest of the day. Events cause this suffocating feeling in me and make me think of my daughters and I. Will they be okay? What if we run out of money? What if I lose my job due to cutbacks?

As I was saying, when I think of the cost of groceries going up, I text the other owner and ask him if he ever thinks of shutting down the shop. The costs will outweigh what we are able to provide. He tells me no. He writes to ease my anxiety, it will be a few months of highs and lows, but it will settle down. Although, he and I have differences and difficulties running the shop, he always knew how to ease my mind.

Still, I made the mistake of coming to my room and opening up facebook to see an article about families trying to cross a place called the Darien Gap. It is an area between Columbia and Panama, simply to get to the US for freedom and the opportunity to survive financially.

I see a photo of a dad up to his waist in mud, his daughter, only 4, all muddy. They are sitting on a log in the jungle and she is looking at him while he is leaning on a tree, face down. It is one of the most heartbreaking photos I have ever seen.

And I think, why would they not be allowed to come here where their life can be clean and free from abuse and fatal conditions from unsafe living?

We have more than enough. We, the US, throw away so much. We waste so much food and provisions. The way many people live is so extravagant when it does not have to be. They are barely home because they have to work so much just to own so much.

I don't know why I think all this. Money bothers me. It has bothered me for years. I dislike it. It seems our lives are perpetually dictated by money. Not just mine, but I everyones.

For as long as I can remember, I have lived paycheck to paycheck.

We are able to enjoy extras, like a dinner out now and then. And when I say dinner out ... I mean Chipolte or take out pizza. I dislike going to restaurants. It is so expensive. And oftentimes, food I can make at home. If I go, it is generally to a locally owned place so I know the owners are getting the money.

My heart is still creeping up into my throat. I feel ... mentally exhausted and I do not know why. Part of it is my own fault. I forgot to get my anxiety pills yesterday so I was 20 hours late in taking my pill. Yes, the tingling in my hands and brain happens within 12 hours of missing my pill. I had extra pills I can take if I need a boost of an anti-anxiety med. I took it around 4 today. It helped.

This evening was good. Decent easy dinner of chicken, brocolli and rice and watching the Grammys with my girls. I love music and the artists. I do not think watching the Grammys is sinful like some think. Yes, I have heard this. I do not know how it affects people or the young minds, but I am sure it likely does when you watch these artists sing about things that may not be exactly appropriate or perhaps they speak up on matters that do not align with your own.

You have to be strong in your own rights to appreciate all forms of music and artists. I do not let it affect me. And I know it does not affect my daughters. That is because we have our own beliefs and stick with them fairly strongly.

I think of [most] artists as intriuging humans who have this talent to use their voices for good and create such incredible dance routines. The ones whom, I align my values with, who are encouraging and inspire me, are the ones who can move me to tears, or whom lift me up when I am feeling down. They can also make me believe anything is possible.

God. I say it now because, I think of Him. I tell Him. God. I do not worship these artists or the music. I just enjoy it. You created these human beings knowing what they would bring to our world and it depends on us how we will react to it all.

We will never get away from sinful things. It is everywhere. You can drive down the highway and see a billboard advertising strip clubs locations, you can turn on the radio and hear a song about drugs and sex, you can watch television and see it in soap operas, in Netflix series, you can be in a store and hear people talking about things that you do not agree with. The kids whom your kids hang out with - their parents do not think like you.

Your hairdresser might go home and drink until he/she passes out. Is it from addiction or depression?

The young man who is dressed like a gang member makes you think he might rob you if you walk too close to him. He is thinking you will judge him and spit rude insinuations at him as you walk by. Instead, you smile at him and he smiles back and his smile is nothing like what you expected. Suddenly, you get a warm feeling. A feeling of, he is okay. I will be okay.

We are not all that different.

God. My heart still hurts. I am thinking too much about everything.

God. As we were driving to the volleyball tournament, it was early morning. And I had a thought to write a post about how even though I was not in church today, but instead at my daughters volleyball game and how I would rather be a Christian mom taking my daughter to her volleyball tournament opposed to being the Christian sitting in church who just spewed hate in a social media post about an opposing political party.

God. Am I as bad for thinking this? I did not do the post, but I did write it here. Is this as bad?

God. Take these thoughts away from me. Bring me the contentment that I have told others about. How I may not be happy all the time, but I am mostly content.

God. Work within me.

God. I do not want to worry if my daughters and I will have enough. We have this far. You have provided for us this far.

God. My stomach feels ... queasy.

It is probably just the anxiety and not taking my pills on time.

I did have another bout of fear earlier this week when there was news of taking grants and funding away from certain agencies. I remembered my job is grant funded. But one of my supervisors reassured me it would be okay.

Although, I heard talk of people quitting their jobs because the organization they worked for supported more 'liberal' ideas. This upset me and ... raised my anxiety to the point I sat in my office and cried for about 20 minutes.

I thought, why would you ever leave a job where you are making a difference in someones life? I thought, if you leave, then all you are doing is playing into the devils scheme of leaving children or young adults without someone to talk to them about Christ.

You won't ever know when you have a chance to share the love of Christ with someone.

You will always be surrounded by others who do not agree with you.

But we should never leave a place because our values don't align with others. That creates separation and division among us. Division that can create judgment, inequality, fear, loathing, resentment and worse of all ... lack of connection with one another. Jesus did not hang out solely with others just like him. That was not His only purpose on Earth.

I heard on our church podcasts as they were talking about the one good thing social media can bring and that is relationships. Jesus wanted us to be in relationship with one another. In other words, to connect with one another and that means with everyone. Even the ones who did not vote the same as you, who do not look like you, who do not have the same job as you, who do not live in the same subdivision as you, who do not go to the same church as you, who do not know Jesus yet like you do.

God. Thank you. Thank you for giving me the ability to write so transparently. My body is feeling lighter, my heart is relaxing.

This is not about what is happening in our world. About the new tariffs, about pausing funding, about stopping people from coming into our nation ... I would write about the humans who want to be here anyway. I would write about it because I read the article about it. And I wondered why we are so afraid to share.

I understand there is the fear of allowing the 'bad guy' to enter our nation.

But haven't we always had a 'bad guy' to worry about?

God. I just want to take care of my girls and my home. I want to trust You. I do not want to feel afraid. The enemy wants me to feel that so I can get angry over all that is happening and he wants me to get desperate again and try to take things in my own hands and by doing that ... is taking me away from You.

God. We cannot create predict our future. We can imagine. We can hope. We can pray. But we cannot know our future.

I never did. Not even long ago when I was just a young adult. But the difference between back then and now?

Back then, I didn't have You, God. By my side.

Now I do.

God. Anxiety will always be with me. I will not always be able to get away from the things that can cause fear.

God. But I have you.

When I feel not so great inside. When I think not so good things. When I approach a time when I feel afraid or uncertain. I just say ... God.

Knowing He is by our side.

#anxietyattacks #prayfirst #Godfirst #thehereandnow #life #thinking #singlemomlife #unmakingamess #overthinking #yourpurposeinlife #fearofunknown