when talking to your kids matters

I have been feeling better. So much, I went into the shop and worked a few days in the last couple weeks. It went well. I didn't get stressed or uptight about anything. Actually quite surprising, but it goes to show that perspective on life combined with the proper meds helps.

I still don't feel I am getting enough done in my days. But I need to forgive myself for that and take God's lead on where He needs me right now.

Where I am needed is taking care of my girls.

They need me.

You think that once your kids go off to college or turn a certain age, they seem to know the rules of life. Or is that just me? Admit it, we have raised them for over 16 years and then we think, well, perhaps we can step back a little bit.

Conversations with my girlfriends lets me know I am not alone in this mentality.

We discover that there are things our older kids approach in life that perhaps they didn't need to know about when they were 5. Or maybe we discussed certain situations when they were 10 and it wasn't exactly needed at that time, but it is totally relevant now at 17. And reminders are crucial.

Am I making sense?

Since my last post I pulled my girls together to give them one of my usual quarterly lectures. It seems to be needed every few months.

This time, I sent them a text to give them a forewarning and bullet points to what I would talk about so they could come up with questions or comments.

It seems these talks are generally precipitated by some type of crisis between me and the girls or between them.

It began with my two older girls arguing over work shifts at the coffee shop. It was a simple fix, but I could see both sides of their frustration. One side of a daughter not planning ahead or just assuming she would be able to trade shifts with her sister (again). It wasn't going to adversely affect the one daughter, she had no plans that day and it truly didn't matter; so why was she so adamant about not doing this for her sister?

That got me thinking of what we are doing for one another and what I have shown them.

Not to mention, I have been paying for quite a bit lately and there really needs to be consideration to how they are spending their money now that they are older.

I was determined to have this conversation with my girls without making them feel guilty or ashamed.

Yes, I have been that parent who throws the book at my kids and points out stuff to them to make them realize how much they are taking advantage of each other and me. And when those old conversations happened they didn't have much to say. Or wasn't sure how to respond because I generally had a rebuttal. It was horribly one-sided and after a few meltdowns from my daughter and her telling me she could never talk to me because I did all the talking and never let her actually voice her opinion without me making her feel badly ... well, that took me to some serious prayer and deep thought to what I had been doing. I wanted my girls to be able to come to me without feeling ridiculed.

I know why I did this now. I was hurt. I was in pain and lived with tons of regret once their dad died.

I literally took out my anger on them and in passive aggressive ways would bring up habits or things about their dad I was still upset about and made it out to be their problem.

Absolutely wretched.

But I am telling you the truth. This is what unresolved arguments, divorce, death and not knowing who you are will do to you. And tons of regret.

But this conversation I was determined for it to go differently. I waited a few days until the time was right to talk to them. And I kept it at 15 minutes tops. Giving them time at the end of express their concerns. Waiting a few days was absolutely the right thing to do. Yes, I was frustrated over the girls not getting along but the other thing that was different for me was to not jump to the conclusion that I had to fix their debate immediately. This was a huge trust for me. Trust in God. Because generally, I just want to get in there and make it all right as soon as possible. This time, I didn't. I figured it was something they needed to handle themselves but positively a concern I needed to talk to them about. So a few days for all of us to cool down was needed.

What I also did differently at the beginning of the talk; I told them nobody was going to feel guilty, ashamed or criticized. That was not my intent. My intent was to be a parent who was bringing stuff up that needed to be addressed. Not to mention, I wanted them to begin learning how to go to one another when problems came up. Especially after I was gone. I insisted that once the talk was done, we'd return to having a good day, eating a nice dinner, playing a game or whatever. We would not hang our heads or pout.

I really wanted my girls to learn how to handle problems without them going days being mad at each other or just kicking the issue under the rug only to have it come up during another argument. Because when that happens, it just meant we'd be piling past stuff onto a current issue.

I was quite proud of myself and the way I handled the talk. I'm telling you - these meds are helping me in ways, I never thought I could be. To be able to gather my thoughts and express them clearly and in this case from a caring parent perspective, felt really good.

I don't want my girls to think, I'm just going to talk at them.

You have no idea what it means to me to be able to have my daughters come to me when they have problems.

It's a work in progress and not saying I've got it figured out. Remember, I am your gal who sticks her foot in her mouth in a major way once a month.

One step forward, two steps back. That's me!

In fact, once that conversation was done a week later I had to talk with one of my girls about something else. I tried so stinking hard to get my point across in a caring way but I had to bring up things that involved more than just her and behaviors that she would hopefully want to see changed before she gets out into the real world. Funny. I'm trying to fix stuff so she doesn't have to face it on her own.

I mean, it truly is hilarious for me to think I would be able to help my daughters avoid all those crappy mistakes we make when we first move out or get into our first real relationship, or get a job where our mom isn't the boss.

I can help my girls to a certain extent. I cannot avoid the possibility that they will have to stumble and fall themselves in order to learn from their own mistakes. I had to do that.

But, what I can do is provide a home life for them that does give them some discipline based off love and Gods direction.

I'm tired of beating myself up over my crummy parenting over the past years. I made mistakes. And I still do. I can definitely open my mouth and say wonderful things in the best way possible and turn around and completely screw it up a day later.

What is different about me now is learning how to 'unmake my mess.'

And that is called being honest. With them and me.

Example: my youngest daughter had a talk with a college coach the other day. He was going to help her get some practices in volleyball and he asked her what she wanted him to help her with. She told him a couple of things that were totally right. Me? Later after the call was done, I dwelled on it wondering if she said the right thing, if I should have jumped into say something ... yeah, it was about to be one of those sit in a chair until the feeling goes away moments.

Instead, I played a game with the girls and at one point brought up the phone call and my daughter was flat out blatant with me telling me I was making her feel bad about what she said.

That night I went into her room and told her I was sorry and I let my anxiety get the best of me and I worried too much about what was said or not said instead of just trusting her. I told her that is who I have been and how I wish I didn't worry so much about stuff like that.

I told her I loved her and wanted what was best for her always and I just need to trust God.

I don't know if it helped, but I think it did. What's important is, I am learning how to apologize and explain why I do the dumb things I do. And then work on it.

Maybe all that hurt and pain I have harbored is starting to go away.