while in the scanner

12-14-23

Made it to the hospital at 8 a.m.  Was supposed to be there at 7:45.  I didn’t account for the construction ond one lane highway. Still I made it. Got poked with a needle and tons of blood came out.  I didn’t look directly but in my perefiall vision could see all the red. The nurse admitted he was new and had not quite got the hang of placing the needing in the correct direction of the vein to avoid it bleeding. I told him, at least it didn't hurt and he didn't have to do it twice.

It put stuff inside of me so I could be scanned.

Afterwards, I got hooked up to a heart monitor and more stuff was pumped inside of me to make my heart race.  It was the strangest feeling ever. It was to simulate me running on a treadmill to raise my heart rate.  My chest swelled and there was a pit feeling in my stomach. It took all of about 10 minutes.

Afterwards, the IV was removed from my arm and I was sent on my way; the nurse told me I now had permission to eat and drink whatever I wanted.

Great, as soon as I could feel my legs under me. I did kind of wonder if they were concerned at all about this woman they just cut loose in the waiting room who in my mind appeared slightly dazed and uncertain standing up.

I sat for a moment and then went to the bathroom because that’s what most people do after a long run right?

Put my hoodie on and went and located the cafeteria in the hospital for the comfort of toast and coffee.

While I was in the tube scanner thing, I kept thinking about what God wanted me to know and what He wants me to be emptied of.  This was part of my homework I was given from my mentor.  To read the Bible and then sit quietly until God spoke to me; letting me know what I need to release myself of. Like all the fears and pain that have occurred in my life that for some reason I hold onto unconsciously.

I closed my eyes as I entered the tube.  Repeating the words I have been telling myself each time I get a few moments alone.  God, what do you want me to know. What do you want to reveal to me.

He revealed my childhood. When I was only about 6 or 7 and we all still lived in the same home.

The night before I woke up about 4 in the morning and begged God to let me go back to sleep, I closed my eyes and repeated the questions to Him.  After going through a few incidences in my life, He took me back to the age of 6 or 7 in my first home.

The green patterned indoor/outdoor carpet that laid throughout the hallway and kitchen. And the one scene that returns to me from time to time.

I am standing in the hallway hiding; I am listening to dad yell at mom.  I yell at my dad to leave my mom alone!

In the next immediate memory I leave my bedroom from upstairs and sneak downstairs to lay down under the dining room table where I hide; I am watching the Tonight show quietly while nobody knows.

Next vision, I am hand in hand with my sister as she walks me down the street to a store so mom and dad can argue in ‘peace.’

And the thoughts go on and on…. So much more.  The worst part of my memory recalls being in the home of the man who abused my mom.  Not going there. Leaving that alone for now.

Nonetheless, apparently there is something in my childhood I need to … come to terms with.

As I walked down to the cafeteria to get me coffee and toast I think to myself, I should have had someone with me.  What if I pass out?  What if I was too dizzy to walk?  I guess they would have told me to bring someone. But, it still occurred to me.  I am doing this alone.  Caution — Self-Pity words coming. Alone. I should have some kind of partner, boyfriend, husband here with me!  But I don’t.  I am sure I could have called a couple people but honestly it all happened so fast, I didn’t think about it. Plus, I don’t want to clutter up someone else’s morning sitting here watching me get poked and eat toast.

So, I do it alone. I am strong enough to do this alone, much like everything else I have been through in life.  I press on. I don’t think twice about handling this stuff alone because it’s pretty much what I have done all my life.

That is what God is revealing to me. Well part of it.  Doing life alone since I was born. No, that’s not right.  My sisters and brother have always been there for me. But being born 8 years after my siblings did make me a little bit of the loner. Especially when mom was going through all her stuff with assholes.