timely

I've been having quite full days recently.

Lots of things happening from a very sick kitty to a broken fridge, a broken camera and removing and liquidating tons of stuff out of my home. I feel like a pregnant mother nesting in preparation for a new baby. In a way, I guess I was doing that. My daughter was coming home from college for the summer and we had to move all her stuff into our front room.

Also, with all the broken things happening in typical Darlene fianancial world, as soon as I got something paid off, something else broke. At least I know God is still working in my life. He has rescued me.

I cannot totally complain. This is life and it is what it is. How I respond is what makes me different now.

Moreover, I have made time to eat differently and exercise regularly. It feels so good as I've lost some unwanted pounds and it does help me mentally. It raises my confidence. Most of all what I see in me is how I react around my girls. Not sure I ever realized how my health was affecting the way I parent. Duh. Of course it does. When you're not feeling good about yourself, it's not easy to feel good about other things in your life.

Parenting is one. Parenting as a single one has it's own challenges and for me, I noticed when I am taking care of myself, I speak differently to my girls. I laugh more often. I joke with them more often. Best of all, I listen differently and respond more concisely with them in a way that I believe lets them know, I do know what it's like to be young and make mistakes. It's not all exact. Parenting is never fully predictable and able to be planned out so we do it right each time something comes up.

But when I think about that, I do know for sure when I am sober and taking care of myself, I am a better parent. I am more focused and my daughters see this.

Changing my nutrition habits feels so good. There are still many times I want to cave in on certain snacks, fried foods or even a sip of wine or beer. But at this point, until I meet my weight goal, I want to stick with being disciplined.

Yes, I said a glass of wine or a beer. Yes, I am sober. I'll never go back to the person I was that spent more time wondering when the next drink was or try to find reasons to drink.

Even now, with a few light beers in my fridge, I resist. I love the feeling of clarity.

I am going transparent here so work with me. Stick with me here. Perhaps, this is what God intends of me. Using all the gunk in my life to help someone.

Years ago, like so many years ago. Perhaps 30? I was super hooked on meth. Yeah, I said that. The cheap way of getting a cocaine high. At least that's what we thought of it. We couldn't afford coke, so we did meth. It was accessible and we could cut it so we had plenty to spare. Cut means you add a similar looking non-toxic powder to it to make it go farther. We did this to sell it and talk about all the money made. Lots. While we made money we also supplemented our addiction to it.

Enough truth there. You get the idea. This lasted about 2-3 years. At least. Until, one day as I was 'waking up' at 9 in the morning after only getting a couple hours of sleep, I just decided I hated staying up all night only to get a few hours sleep, attempt to navigate my days in a cloudy hazy brain fog. It was like it just hit me. I was over it.

It is all very unclear to me as it was so many years ago.

But, I wanted to be done with it. I was so thin. I had lost a job I loved very much - not even sure how I worked the job. Then working another job where I couldn't even get through a 5 hour shift without sneaking into the bathroom for a fix.

Yes, readers, that was me.

It's not like I was really young. I was a young adult. Able to know right from wrong. Yet, the easy way was to do wrong and keep feeding the addiction because I was afraid to live and face days as a 'regular' person.

Facing my days without substances had been a challenge for me. For years, I watched my mom, men, boyfriends, friends use substances to get through their days.

Once I was able to do this, I thought that was the normal way of handling life.

I am ashamed I did handle life this way when I had my son. So ashamed. There is so much I still feel like I am making up for.

Drugs will do that to you when you come clean and leave it all behind. The enemy will do that to you too. Enemy as in satan. Drugs and the enemy want you to feel like you screwed up so much already there is no point in trying to make it right now. Too many years wasted.

Truth is, there is always time. No matter what the vice is.

Clarity. satan does not like clarity. Which is where I was going with this. Clarity means we are able to think clearly and focus on what is meaningful and good. I know there is a bible verse that references this. I'll find it later. For now, I want this out. Written. Written with bravery and courage.

When we are able to use our minds for good, good comes from it. So basic, but not always easy to do.

I am here to say, when I let go one drug after another (more on the others later), I was one step closer to being who God intended me to be.

I do wish all this had happened much sooner. But that was my plan that was not working.

If God was showing me ways to get free back then, I overlooked it with too much pride and weakness.

Now, I know. I am late in life knowing this, but at least I am able to do it. Find your purpose and listen intently to what God is saying to you.

Even if I don't become some great writer I wish or pray I can; I know one thing I have done.

That was finding my strength to move on. Press on. For my own well-being and better yet, for my children. I want to demonstrate that to them.

I don't want them repeating another cycle.

Nor, would you. Lets unmake some messes.

Love you all. Pray. Seek His wisdom and ask him to come into your heart.

#seekHiswisdome #becourageous #overcomeaddictions #staytruetoyou #formychildren

#unmakingamess