the mom dream

I cannot stop thinking about my mom ever since my therapy appointment a few weeks ago where I really tapped into a memory that has been bothering me. That to be explained later. I mean, I think of her often, but this is more deep - more of who she was and how in the world did she ever survive all she went through. Was she ever happy?

Last night I had some extremely vivid dreams about her. She was living alone in the house that I grew up in; actually we were only there until her and dad got a divorce. Which meant, only until I was 7. Not long at all. But I will always consider that house a home opposed to any other places we lived after that. Even if we lived other places longer than 7 years, which come to think of it ... we never did.

In my dream, I was at some kind of church event with a friend. Being at this event was a perception in itself for me cause I was really feeling out of place. I felt so inadequate and like I did not fit in based on how I looked and my status. I know, this is really digging into my subconscious but remember this was a dream. Although, this has happened before, where I have clearly felt out of placed based on who I am.

As the dream continued and I am at this big event - it had long tables, people eating and talking and walking around. Certain areas were fancy and other areas more relaxed. As the dream progressed my friend and I ended up being in an area where people were dancing and I slowly began to feel like myself again and I got up and started dancing with her. Suddenly, I was able to float about 12 inches off the ground. ----I promise, I am not making this up and putting it in writing is giving me such satisfaction because I love remembering my dreams. I was so happy I could float and people were watching me in amazement and I was finally impressing them.

My friend and I left the gathering and headed back to my moms house. I was older but felt younger because my mom came out to our car very suspiciously thinking we had boys with us and she thought we were going to use her home to bring boys to. But I got out of the car and laughed showing her I had this mask on my face (cosmetic cream) and my friend and I were clearly not into bringing boys to her house but instead we were going to do make up and such.

My mom seemed disappointed or something she didn't catch me doing something wrong.

After a while my mom was gone and suddenly, several of those people from church were in our neighborhood and they started to gather on my mom's front porch even going inside her house. It was like a mob of people!

I walked up to the house and began to furiously push people out of the way, make them leave. I remember pulling some off her front porch chairs. Yelling at them to go away and why were they bothering my mom?

My dream shifted and I was still in the neighborhood of our house with all of the same church people and a lady walked up to me and reprimanded me for making her husband leave my mom‘s house, something about how it really upset him because he was a veteran and he was friends with my mom‘s husband who had passed away (who was also a veteran).

I tried to explain that my mom was really sick and it wasn’t good for her to have all those people there. They didn’t believe me until they saw another man at her house and they alerted me. I seem to be half asleep in the gathering and they shook me awake to tell me this man was bothering my mom. I abruptly got up and ran as fast as I could across the street and chased the man away. He was trying to sell her something in large cans and I could tell he was not nice. Like taking advantage of her weakness. My mom ended up outside across the street and she was bent over getting sick. I helped her. I turned her around and we began to walk back to her house and I remember thinking the people finally believed me that she truly was sick and needed rest. She could barely make it back to the house and had to run to the bathroom. I removed the fuzzy light pink sweater that she was wearing and I slipped her out of it and told her I would wash it for her. It had gotten dirty when she was getting sick.

After that ... it was over. Vaguely recalling I was still with my friend and we were in a good place like a big office. But ... that is all.

Pretty strange right? Lots of 'way back' subconscious memories. It is all relatable to me - the church, feeling inadequate, my face mask, getting mom to trust me, people bothering her, the man taking advantage of her and me ... coming around to being in a good place. All relatable.

There is more. Stay tuned. I wanted to get this in writing. As usual I commit in my mind that I will write the moment it strikes me because that is the most genuine way to be transparent in the moment. To reveal the true inner most and instaneous thoughts in the moment. If only I could do it. We can all do what we set our minds to do. If we just do it. Nike had the right idea. Just do it. In some instances this is true. Other times, we need to take time to pray or think it through.

In my case in the matter of being a true blogger who wants to share it all - I should just speak it and write it because I believe that is when I can be most helpful and relatable to others.

Press on friends. Press on.