stuck in a chair

Debilitating. That was the word of the day yesterday. Debilitating.

I said something that I regretted. Shocking I know. But this time, it wasn't near as bad as I am making it out to be.

I just wish I didn't worry about money so much. But I do. I wanted the insurance claim to cover another part of the flooded bathroom and that was not going to happen and I regretted even asking.

So after I asked about it, I felt absolutely horrible. So horrible, I sat in my chair upstairs for a good hour dwelling on my words. Drowning in a puddle of guilt. Because, I asked about something that was clearly not possible.

I believe in all you can do is ask, but there are times when as much as you want to ask just to see if it can happen, you just need to keep shut and suck it up and take what is only needed.

As I was driving my daughter to her practice the thoughts kept coming back to me.

First of all, I was so worried about how asking the immoral question made me look, it wasn't until I spoke to the repair man again did I find out he understood and had no qualms with me. But still I totally feared how my image must of appeared to him and I buried my head until I got the clearing it wasn't as bad as I imagined.

Okay, let me go there a moment. As bad as you imagine. Once we get stuck in our thoughts and we inflate them to be so much more than it is, how the crap do we get out of that place? Out of our head?

Me? Well .... I sat in the chair and begged God to release this from me. Stop thinking about it so much. I prayed so hard and then I peeled my butt off the chair and went downstairs and began to clean the kitchen.

Okay that worked for about 30 minutes until I had to come back upstairs for something and I saw the chair. I sat down in it. Wrong idea. Sat another 30 minutes or so and prayed more.

Nothing. Got up and had to go get my daughter from school.

After I finally spoke to the service man, I felt better.

Okay now going back to driving daughter to practice. I got lost in my thoughts in the long winding road. I said, if I didn't worry about money so much I would care less about how this was getting fixed! In fact, I would pay the extra to pull the shower out and reroute the line and ALL the pipes so they don't freeze up! I would pay all that and get it done right!

It is the nature of living in a little lake home. You know, pipes stuck in a wall inches from the freezing cold.

I am honestly shocked they haven't burst sooner.

Yet, my heart is so heavy with guilt as much for owning a home that I don't always have the money for to make things right for it. Is that strange? Feeling bad for being a homeowner to a home that needs taken care of right and not being able to do it correctly all the time due to such a strict budget?

I have a studio apartment budget. I am in a lake home needing perpetual TLC and living on a studio apartment budget and a prayer.

That night we didn't get home until 11.

And I could not wait to get into my bed with my bowl of popcorn and a ginger ale.

I've been here before. The debilitating frozen body.

It can literally paralyze me.

So now you know something else about me besides wearing clothes to bed when I have to get up crazy early on a cold morning.

I can go into a paralyzed mental shock when I am worried about how someone thinks of me, if I said something wrong and how to fix it and ..... well that pretty much are the two things that hold me down.

When this happens to me, I will try to change my thoughts to, 'who cares what they think, it's not that bad.' Or, 'you're not that important the other person is dwelling on your words like you are.' Or, 'forget about it.' Just plain and simple forget about it.

Who are we when we do this to ourselves?

I am sure not everyone does this. So many people can actually not care if they say something dumb. They say it and move on. I wish I was like that. I really don't say dumb things that often any more. I learned my lesson on that years ago.

But every now and then .... it comes out like word spit up.

And yeah .... guess it came out a few weeks ago. Remember? Middle of December when I spoke about sports?

Okay, so that's not that bad! Once a month? Something totally stupid?

How do we stop?

I am so much better now than I was. I need to give myself grace. Credit. Gentleness for being me.

And keep up with these pills.

I have these extra little pills I can take when I feel a full blown anxiety attack coming on. Well, I should have taken one that day but I didn't because they make me a little drowsy and I knew I had the drive to KC and it would be a late drive home and I sure as heck didn't want to get drowsy.

But .... I should have taken one. I could have managed. I always do.

I'm done talking about this debilitating stuff.

I had to get it into writing anyway. In hopes, someone can relate.

If you can, listen to me. Do this for us. Get up. Get going. You're not that important. I mean you are, but not so much that you need to hurt yourself and your mentality worrying about something you don't need to give energy to. Pray, give it to God and please try to move on. Do it for me.

And I will try too. Cause God only knows, I'll sure as heck say something dumb again.

Give me a month.