Real. 12-11-23

Ugh!! Just met with my long time mentor and she revealed stuff to me I did not want to hear!!

I don’t like knowing there are things I must do. If I want to have more peace and contentment, more authenticity, and less stress that I am obviously bringing on myself then some work needs to go into what I do each day. Jesus isn’t going to just give me what I pray about unless I put in the work.

Holy crap. I wrote a post which you can find on my Facebook blog (Tinge of Bravery) about putting in the work. I thought it was pertaining to something else and it was not. It was about me.

What is the date anyway cause I want to mark this day down as being one of the worst horribly revealing days ever.

I going to take you on this journey with me. To find myself and get more focused or something like that.

I think it’s just been a journey and nothing more.

I pray each day and hold God close to my heart but perhaps that’s all it’s been.

Not sure I’ve truly believed in myself or His work in me. I’ve been floating.

I’ve been crying out to Him but not listening for his voice.

I have to speak no matter how grungy or dirty it looks.

If I don’t do that now - then later when I do know Gods true work in me I won’t realize it.

I need to be able to look back and see how I buried so much in fear, resentment, hurt, anger, pain.

You know what I realized? I don’t think I’ve truly grieved when needed.

When my sister died in 2015 I was just separating from girls dad. I went right into separation, a reconciliation and then divorce. One year after divorce, my ex dies.

Survival happens - then my brother dies. Then my mom dies. A year later, my oldest sister dies.

What I think about the most are the deaths that have happened and what is going on during that time. I don’t deal with death nor the emotions, circumstances or the atmosphere that surrounds it. In a way, I might even be glad I am too busy in life during those times when someone was taken from my world.  That way I didn’t have to address it. More on that another time.

Real is coming up. Not like coming up like Word V…. (you know begins with v ends with t) Spit up.

No. Like letting God in as in, so much, I need to see the change.

Like being me for real.

No more of this - I feel sorry for us because my girls only have one parent or I’m having to do this life alone. It is obviously not going to change. That is another blogpost.

Does it suck? Heck yeah. But in a conversation today with someone, I was told I am no different than other parents. We are all out here surviving. Other single moms are surviving. I agreed, yet later it hit me - my survival is different. I'm not a young mom anymore.

I was compared to a mom whose husband is rarely home. This is still very much not the same. Even if the husband is barely home, he is there to fix washers, dryers, cut wood, mow the yard, fix a leak, fix flat tires on cars and mowers, hang up Christmas lights take turns taking girls to practices and games ....

I complain about doing all this stuff internally. I don't let anyone hear what is going on in my head. I want to be strong. I put on a portrayal of being strong for my girls. I still do it all and pretty much don't grump about it. I can do it. It's just that somedays, I wish there was another person beside me doing it with me. Or saying, 'here let me get that for you.'

I am supposed to be working on listening to God and what He is trying to tell me.

It's a process that takes time. I am not one to sit patiently for very long. To listen. But I have tried to quiet my mind to pay attention to any cues He is giving me.

I allocate attention to my problems because I dislike them. But that’s not it. I can dislike them all day long.  Getting to the real center of it all?  I hold resentment. Resentment I have not clearly addressed. Resentment I have not come to terms with.

I need to reframe it all.

Change.

Grieve.

Work.

I want to record it all but I am afraid.

Afraid because I know I need to record those moments you don’t see of me.

The pain. The hurt. The loss. I have shown these emotions before, but it was not in a good way. I have to find new readers because people who may have read my stuff years ago, would say my demonstration of showing all the grungy stuff is very distasteful. But thank God that is not me anymore. Not to say, my stuff will be all clean and rosy, no, but there will be a way to speak and write about it that others will be able to relate to. And the ultimate goal is to connect with readers who have the same trials and emotions and be able to express them well, and then move on.

So eventually we can all see His light really coming through honestly and authentically.

I want that. Don't you?