pipes

You know what I discovered about me last night? I dislike getting up early in the mornings so much and even more so when it is freezing cold out. So much, I am willing to go to bed in half clothes - half pajamas so when I get up, I am half dressed and already half warmed up.

Just one of those revelations that I had when I went to bed.

I want to know more about who I am and what I truly like and dislike. I mean, I have an idea of all I love and don't love but for the most part, sometimes I just feel like I am simply .... generic.

Okay, so that was a bit off subject but it was relevant.

I had to be half dressed and ready to get fully dressed by 7 this morning. I know .... many of you early morning risers think - what a wimp. Yup. I'll own it. Not a morning person.

Anyway, I had to be up because the plumber was going to be at our home at 7 to fix broken pipes that burst in our downstairs bathroom. As a result of this arctic weather we've been having.

We were so close! So close to getting through this arctic winter week without incident! I had been running the faucets around the home on a trickle to keep them from freezing up. And today? Well today was the first 'decent' day in the past week! Like snow thawing and I could actually go outside in just a hoodie and my two pairs of leggings. Seriously.

All things considered. I am shocked the pipes didn't burst sooner. In all the 10 years I have been here, I've held my breath and just waited. Hearing all these awful stories from other people about pipes busting in their homes.

I had to find solace and blessing in the wet ordeal. For one, my daughter and I were here. We heard the pipes and then we saw the water come gushing in under the floorboards behind the toilet.

Ran for towels and I was smart enough to shut off the main water valve.

Had this happen 20 minutes later, we had been gone for the night to a practice in KC. It literally makes my stomach churn to think how this would have gone over if we had not been here. Sickening. But it didn't happen that way, so get it out of my head please.

Another blessing I'll find in this? The dang pipes are finally done! Now I can get the plumber to insulate them properly!

To be honest, after it happened, although I took it pretty well .... (these anti-anxiety pills are AMAZING!) I really took a moment, looked around our home and outside and thought, I may have to move. How can I continue to afford all these fixes? And, I'm not getting any younger, I need to get into a home with less upkeep.

As I thought of this, I immediately thought of my bedroom. It's my oasis. The bed, the lights in here, the chair, pillows, the small deck that I walk onto late at night in the summer to look at the stars, or the curtains I open to see the Christmas lights and as I thought of leaving this place, my heart ache.

My mind also thought of my mom. Why? Because, as my heart ache to leave a place I love, I thought of her leaving her home to go live in a nursing home and how horrible that must have been for her.

We grow so attached to our homes.

I am attached to this place. Even with all the work it needs. Somehow, someway, I can do it.

My neighbor told me she would not want to see me move and besides, moving into another home that I am not familiar with would only offer other issues I'm not aware of. True. I know what I have done to this home to help it feel better and I know what it needs too. So .... I tossed the idea of moving out of my brain. Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean I need to bail and start new.

I need to build security here. For me, and for my girls.

Security. There is that word.

It came up today in therapy.

It is something I need to come to terms with in my life. And finally establish it on my own. For once.

There is more to it than that. It all stems from childhood. Doesn't it always? I just rolled my eyes. Did you see it?

I don't think this pipe issue was meant to make me ponder my life and why so many terrible things have happened to us lately, but between the broken pipes, furnace needing service, tire valve breaking, daughter getting sick, daughters car needing a new battery, being in a boil water advisory in our city and all of this happening within the past week.

I have to think what is God trying to tell me?? He does not make things happen, but there is something he is revealing to me through all this - or it is all meant to open my eyes to something else.

Was it the pills or me learning to trust God more in this situation that allowed me to just handle it better?

I don't know.

But, with all things that go wrong, I do feel as if there is some huge light at the end of the tunnel. Something as if, God is seeing how I will handle all these things that are getting thrown at me. I also feel as if I am not relenting to God in the way He needs me too. Like I said, God doesn’t cause things to happen, but deep down, I keep getting this feeling I am not letting go of something I need to let go of in order for God to use me fully.

I trek up and down 15 stairs carrying buckets of water to boil so we can cook pasta or use to clean dishes.

And I wait. And I write. Some day, one of these posts is going to resonate with someone.

For now, I face the challenges and place my trust in the Lord. To show you ... It Is Possible. And contradicting myself, a tiny part of my brain keeps saying, there is something I need to let go of. Note to self … It is Possible.

Note to self again … But what it is that is possible … Only God Knows. And He keeps waiting on me to figure it out.