losing the weight … of depression and negativity

Since November 3 I have not drank. There are times and I miss it. Like the chugging down a seltzer and feeling the slight buzz and then the mental invincibility.

But recalling how though I could feel that surface level mental strength I still had the underlying feeling of dread, hurt, frustration and depression. It honestly made me mad.

I knew what I was trying to accomplish by drinking. It made me ‘happy.’ I honestly enjoyed going out and having a few.

But … I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the tired face, the weight gain and how much I was spending each week.

Not to mention, someone told me I didn’t have that usual peppy step in my day.

The light I could bring into a room.

This isn’t me trying to glorify myself. A person wants to have that light when they are around people. And I had it. It was God-Given.

Fast forward to today. 40 days later and I’ve been to the gym several times, even going to one out of town.

And when my daughter and I head to a hotel this evening out of town, I have to wonder if she and I might get a work out in there. We’ve done this before.

I can breathe now too. Before, I had so much trouble breathing. I

I just noticed how little trouble I have catching my breath now. Pretty awesome.

Most of all, my mental state of mind has clarity.

I feel better.

I can actually feel things for what they are. Yet, if something is bothering me, I don’t spiral as much as before.

I take the thought and place reality to it and how it affects me. Most of the time, the things that trigger me have to do with how people treat me or how they treat others.

I want to remove the negativity right away.

I have to stop and determine how much control I have over others which is none existent.

I also consider if I would go to the person who upsets me for advice or confide in them. If the answer is no, then I remind myself how I shouldn’t let their actions dictate my behavior. Not worth the time.

All of this is learned behavior. And is not as easy as I make it out to sound.

It’s a process and one that I have to give attention to each time I feel like I’m about to perpetuate on something.

There is so much in this world that bothers me now. The lack of empathy and sensitivity for others blows my mind.

I do not understand the selfishness in our country and how easily dissension happens.

Also, how many can follow a rhetoric of atrocities without any conscience. They turn a blind eye for the sake of thinking this is what the Bible wants them to do.

God gave us free will, yet, He doesn’t mean for us to use it against one another, and I fully believe He expects us to use common sense and the compassion He demonstrated. And that was for everyone regardless of where they came from or who they were.

I guess you could say the one thing that can make my mind get stuck in shock is how some people are acting as if they can treat others without regard.

I have been praying so much as I continue to take care of myself and my girls.

I am proud of my daughters and how far they have come from a tragic loss of their dad and the lack of respect and support from many in his family.

They have shown perseverance.

I had to demonstrate that to them. Though, I myself never felt confident and definitely have not always been fully present … the one thing I knew was the presence of Christ and how I had to find ways to make it.

Life is a journey of constant transformations. Most of the time fairly exhausting.

I find going to the gym helps me to release those adversaries. I pray I make it a habit. Through it all.

I also pray I continue to make the right choices when it comes to letting people in my life.

Those who show their true colors are really who they are.

Lastly, a story. I was at a vendor market with a handful of persons, when a trans walked by us, I smiled at them and their colorful display of clothes, two of the persons I was with curled their lips and rolled their eyes and even one made a ‘ugh’ sound.

It was the first time I saw the colors.

Don’t overlook stuff like this and be open with people you hand around.

Be conscious of who you surround yourself with, as you do not want to lose yourself to those who try to influence you in the wrong way.

Stay true to who you are. Depression can happen when we are too busy trying to accommodate what others expect us to be.

Which is likely what we are seeing much of in the world today.

Take it from me. Be the light. Walk into the room like Jesus sent you.

And remember along with Him he had many by His side who were of all types.

That is the beauty of who we are and of our existence and the world.