lose yourself and find happiness

YHWH = God. I wanted this because when you say it you almost have to breath in the sound of God comes to mine.

I want to drink and make it go away but if I do, I'll pass out hard and I hate that. I like staying awake as long as possible. (I was writing this at 10:30 at night)

It makes me feel like I am getting the most out of my day.

But right now ... I don't totally know who I am in my day. That was an impactful sentence. I don't know who I am in my day.

I can talk and talk and relate to others, I can be taking photos of my daughters team, and talk with other moms; then I can drive my daughter back and forth to her practices and tournaments - go to her softball games, I can go to work and be who I need to be for parents and the clients and when I am going from one place to another and I am alone in my car, it hits me. I feel absolutely unreal. Like I just left a version of me wherever I was. Work. Courts. Softball field. Store. Shop. Church.

I was feeling so good about me and what I have been doing and how I have been handling all the stuff that lands in front of me.

I was feeling incredible about the work I was doing at my job.

I was feeling good about not letting things get to me - like the opinion of others, wondering if people don't like the way I work, view life, or whatever else!

I was feeling good about my parenting and how I was getting to know my daughters better and how to listen and connect with them.

I was feeling good about my daughters feelings about sports.

Feeling really good about my appearance and my weight, granted I gained back what I lost.

Most of all felt really good about connecting with the residents where I work. To the point they would ask me how I deal with problems and it gives me a chance to talk about prayer but not be in their face about it.

What it has done is opened the door to just simply talking about Christianity. I was surprised at one particular client revealing to me how much she prays.

As I spoke to others about the work I was doing at my job and the chance it gives me to share my faith, it seemed over the course of time, I began to lose that confidence.

Not just at work, but overall everywhere.

Then, I began to drink. Instead of coming home and throwing on my walking shoes, I went for the fridge and pulled out a hard seltzer. Never drinking more than a couple, but still. It replaced my motivation for walking.

I forgot how walking gave me energy and zest for life. I felt like drinking instead because it was a more immediate fix.

If I did walk, I came home and grabbed my usual drink.

I will get to a point here.

I know the enemy can work in our lives to make us miserable and draw upon all the wrong things in life instead of going to God.

He wants us to fail and be depressed. When we are depressed it can cause us to isolate and rely on substances to make us feel better.

So, I was reading - actually listening to the audiobook The Screwtape Letters and realized the demon tallking goes through all sorts of things we do in life that are not good for us and how the demon wants to keep us in those transgressions. Like, in my case drinking and feeling depressed.

When I am outside working in my yard or walking, gain clarity and I do become closer to Christ.

The book talks about how demons try to keep us away from the good things we love because when we enjoy who we are and what we do we are losing ourselves to Christ.

So, you see, it is far from selfish to take time for yourselves.

When we do, we are finding out what we love and this is a good thing. It makes us mentally healthy and happy.

It is just a matter of doing the good thing instead of the not so good thing.

It is all possible. We ... or I mean 'I' have to be disciplined.