is that the pills or me

12-31-23

I have been living within the walls of anxiety dungeon.  I am being more dramatic than necessary, but since having taken the stress test and beginning my anti-anxiety pills, it has been a change of scenery for me.

So much, I don’t even know what the streets look like anymore.

This is far from the truth - over dramatizing again. But for real.  I just do not want to get out.

Honestly what is annoying me now is I cannot seem to take my own advice. I feel I am focusing too much on this anxiety stuff and allowing it to consume my mind.  I don’t like this about me. It’s like now that I found out something about me I cannot seem to think of anything else.  What we focus on we become. Ugh, so cliche.

Okay let me talk openly about that.  Before I felt this anxiety coming on it was all about prayer and God and Jesus.  I am not being cynical or meaning to talk down my Christianity.  It's just that before all this came about, I was literally going to God with everything.  It seemed I was obsessed with it. I even spoke to a friend and asked him if this ever happened to him.  He said yes, it got to the point it was the only thing he could think about and how he got through his days.  I know this sounds strange but it was me.  I’d wake up, grab coffee, start my devotion, worry about something, go to prayer, wonder what I was going to do next, so prayed about it and perpetuated on how I could get through my days unless I went to prayer first on everything. I could not function without it.

Listen this sounds super strange and I don’t want anyone thinking it’s wrong to go to prayer, but what it made me realize is what I addressed in an earlier blog.  God is there for us, but we have to put in the work too.  I want to be able to cry out to God when I am feeling messed up, but I also need to apply my own ability and work into what I am concerned about.  I can’t just pray and pray and pray and expect something to change without my effort. Does that make sense?

So now instead of going to God with it all, I find myself focusing on if these pills are actually working and what they are doing to me. When I go to bed, I take my pills; wake up and feel too tired, its the pills, don’t feel like eating - its the pills - I find myself worrying about something - its the anxiety - it seems everything I do I attach anxiety or the pills to it. Can I just appreciate that I don’t feel as overwhelmed and frustrated anymore?

It did take me forever to get to the grocery store.

Good thing I have girls at home that need to eat. It really did force me to go grocery shopping when my daughter told me there was nothing ‘good’ to eat.  Now she is exaggerating. But she is on this healthy eating kick.  That is a good thing. And as a result it did give me reason to get out of my pajamas and put on actual clothes.

She also reminded me how I was doing so good at prepping food for them.  Geez, you gotta love it when your own kids get real with you.  Yeah …. I got a little sidetracked with trying to figure out this God stuff and where He wants me to be and getting used to taking my pills.

Since the revelation I had while getting scanned during the stress test about all the stuff from my childhood days, I haven’t received much more in the way of clarity in what I need to release myself from fear-wise, anger-wise or hurt-wise … more wises I’m sure I can address.

But for now that’s enough.

I can tell you my thoughts and words are more accurate. I can actually find words for what I want to say.  I am still somewhat forgetful, but it doesn’t feel quite as awful.

My oldest daughter has been home from college so to be honest, I took several days off from writing because Christmas was upon us and I just didn’t want to do anything other than enjoy these days with her at home. And I guess it gave me an excuse to sleep in and walk around in my pajamas until about noon.

Yet, having my girls at home truly makes me happy. And I find much contentment in it.

If you recall, I did address this happiness happening through my kids and how that could be viewed as being too dependent on my girls to create my life of happiness.  And then I said, I didn’t care. If that is where I want to be now, so be it.

Is that not like totally strange though?

Think about it.

People base their happiness off activities, hobbies, work and all sorts of tangibles and for the most part this is okay?  Well, I find it okay … [for now] - I channel my happiness through my daughters.

I mean, I need to come to terms with who I am and this is part of it.

I think if I do this, I can finally accept the person I am and then add onto to that.

For the past few weeks, we have shopped, played board games, watched movies, drove around to see Christmas lights, taken my youngest to practices together where we shopped more while she was practicing, ate breakfast together …

When I write this and consider it ….I think what a relief and feel so grateful.

Then I pray, Please God, let us continue to have some peace in our home.

I don’t want to start off 2024 with any issues as we had last year.

(At the time I recorded this and posted it here, there have been some concerns to start off our year .... of course, but I look forward to sharing those as I did have a chance to speak with my therapist and I have stuff to work on - that is a good thing. Sometimes, we need to light that fire under us to get us going)

Anyway ....

I want this year to be a year of some positive change and tons of hope.

So …. Let’s hope nothing major happens.

Wow. Is that the pills talking or really me?