hospital

I have been in the hospital twice in the last few weeks.

First time for myself when I was deathly ill from influenza A. I was trying so hard to handle my sickness for a couple of days until late one night, I was so miserable and weak I called my neighbor and asked her to take me to the hospital.

The drive there was not pleasant due to all the construction on the roads and the potholes. I had been nauseous with a headache and could barely walk to the bathroom. I had tried to make myself sick a few times knowing it would give me relief but nothing was there. I hadn't eaten in a couple of days so was likely dehydrated too.

When we got there, they checked me in and ran tests on me. Only to discover I had the flu. But in between the tests, I curled up on the hospital bed and slept. I had not slept that good in a couple of days. It felt so good.

It made me realize the feeling of being in a place where you felt safe and cared for. So much, you could put yourself at ease and fall asleep.

I tried to think of other places where I felt that comfortable just laying there knowing I would be fine.

It had been a while since I felt that way. As single parents we don't have that luxury of having someone care for us when we are sick. We have to figure out ways of handling things from our bedroom no matter the condition we are in. It is quite an incredible achievement. As a believer, I know that somehow, someway, God sees me through some of the hardest times, even when I don't feel I am able to handle it on my own.

He gives my girls the wisdom they need to take care of themselves when I am stuck in my bedroom. It's not always a perfect situation but honestly perfection is over-rated and even when I am well, we do not strive for perfect. We strive for just living and handling things the best we can.

Nonetheless, we found ourselves back in the hospital again a few weeks later. This time it was my middle daughter. She had been having some stomach cramps for a few days and prior to that she just was not feeling herself for a couple weeks. In fact, shortly after I got over the flu, she began to have symptoms of it so the doctor prescribed her the same antibiotic as me without seeing her. This was a huge deal for us. She was in no position to get in a car and go anywhere. She, unlike me, recovered much quicker.

But after that, she still was not well. Weak, headaches and her stomach giving her perpetual trouble.

So after the painful cramps went on for a couple of days I took her into an express clinic where they determined it had to do with some mixed greens for digestive system she was trying to take to help her feel better. They told her to drink lots of fluids to wash it out of her system. This did not help. So after a couple more days, I took her into the ER.

Where they thought it was her appendix.

I sat in the chair along side her hospital bed while they ran tests and an ultrasound on her belly. But even after a CT scan they still could not determine the reason behind her cramps that shifted from one side to the other. They detected inflammation in her intestines and gave her pain meds and kept her for a couple of days.

And there she lay in the hospital trying to rest. I on the other hand, pulled up my blanket I had brought and curled up on the makeshift bed in her room where I slept well. Because, I knew she was safe and taken care of.

The first night she was there, I wanted to be close to her and sleeping in the same room did give me that secure feeling. The second night she was there, she was doing better and I probably could have come home and went back in the morning, but there was something about being in the same room as hers and sleeping close by with my blanket from home that gave me such comfort again.

There is truly something to be said about being somewhere you feel relaxed. Even though, there was the uncertainty of her illness, just being in an environment with doctors and nurses close by allowed me - the single mom - to have others take care of my daughter.

Even though I felt the comfort of being there by her side and I thought I had slept through those nights, I realized when I got home and slept in my bed for the first time I definitely did not get good sleep in the hospital this time.

So being in the hospital with my daughter gave me a different kind of safeness. The first time, I felt safe and able to sleep knowing I was cared for.

The second time with my daughter, I felt thankful and comforted knowing I had someone else who was there for her. I could be by her side and allow someone else who knew how to take care of her do just that.

I love being a mom. I am ever so thankful God has given me the ability, strength and endurance to handle all I can each and every day.

I am approaching things differently lately. Or at least I am practicing how I view events and not allow trials to consume me.

As I walked down the hospital corridor to my daughters room the first night, I almost did it. I almost allowed the 'pitiful me, it's only me' attitude to take over my thoughts. I immediately by passed them and told myself, this situation was no different than what others have gone through whether it is with another parent or as a single parent.

It was time to see this through differently. It was a trial. This will happen. I was there. I was able to be there for my daughter. I had others helping me to care for my daughter in the hospital and help me take care of my other daughter at home. I was not alone.

I considered myself blessed as opposed to stranded.

This might have been a first for me to feel this way in years.

I may not like therapy because it is hard to talk about the past and how it affects our present. But throughout my life, I have had so many incidences that place me in this fight or flight mentality I seem to hang on even when ... nothing is happening.

It has been almost second nature for me.

But what I am working on is to let go of those moments when I want to feel sorry for handling things as one parent. I will handle it and I have for many years now.

What else am I going to do?

For one, I pray we don't spend any more time than necessary in a hospital.

But when life presents me with a comfortable hospital bed or room, I am going to take advantage of that and know there are times even in the midst of troubles when God lets me know ... I can rest.