change

When you get to your 50’s stuff just changes and you have to make decisions that are tough.

If you’ve said something that means a lot to you to someone whom you thought there was mutual respect you and they act like their listening but actually just blowing smoke up your a$$ .... You realize how much it’s starting to burn and it’s time to takeoff those panties and put on your big girl panties and change your suit once and for all.

I know - quite the analogy. But, how often has someone told you to put on your big girl panties. In other words, grow up and get a clue.

Notable quotes:

• Nothing will change if you change nothing.

• Stop shrinking to fit in places you've outgrown

• Progress is impossible without change

and above all ....

Sometimes, change is what we need

So when I write about conversations with people that just are not effective anymore - that means it is time to evaluate who is actually the problem here and in this case, I have to point the finger to myself. A close friend once told me, we teach people how to treat us. In other words, if we put up with disrespect and allow a person to treat us horribly, then it is on us to make the change. We cannot make a person change. As much as we would love to do this, it is almost impossible. I learned this the hard way in my marriage. I was so focused on changing him, I totally lost myself in the process. This is absolutely not what God wants of us. Jesus demonstrated this to us by continuing to be himself and leading people through examples. Us humans, aren't quite built that way. Which makes change not easy. But ... it is possible.

Make the changes that are ever so difficult, but realizing you only have so many years left. This is not easy when you have programmed yourself to hear the same words over and over. Not easy when you have witnessed the same actions over and over and you have subconsciously normalized life this way. Sure we change lifestyles, we change where we live, we change our eating habits, our exercise habits, we have kids, family and friends pass away ... yet, we continue with the same mentality and behaviors and expose ourselves to the same environment.

I did this. From a very young age I witnessed how my mom was treated by men and even though I knew it was wrong, somehow I repeated the cycle by getting involved with men who ended up treating me the same way. The only difference between my mom and I was, she put up with it. Me? I did too, but I also developed an independence about me where I told myself, I won't deal with what my mom dealt with so I'll just work on changing the guy.

It takes tons of courage and motivation to change our surroundings to better ourselves, to better ourselves for our children. And this was something I did not do until it was done for me. Sometimes life will help you out when you know you need to make changes but you're just not motivated to do it. Life will throw you into the abyss and force you to gain the strength to get out.

Physical strength is one thing, I have always been able to have this energetic level about me that keeps me going. But the mentality strength? Not as much. I think I have it. Like when I think I can change someone, or when I stick up for myself or my kids in certain situations. That is good stuff. The sticking up for ourselves and others.

But do I truly posess the mental strength? Especially if I noticed I continue to place myself in situations that are not healthy for me. I've done better at this. I've removed myself from areas that are not good. But I also continue to keep the cord connected because I don't think I can remove myself 100%. To me, that is not trusting God completely.

It takes tons of courage to change our thought process. Once we get used to thinking a certain way, it is really hard to shift that mindset. What if its wrong? What if we look dumb? What if we lose friends because they don't like us anymore? What is the right thing to do? Stay the same, even though .. those 'old ways aren't opening new doors' .... (another good quote). What if God wont' be there for me? What if this is not God's will for me?

Why is it easier to just stay the same? Even when we know we are doing harm to ourselves? Harm as in, our words are hurting others, our words hurt ourselves, their words are hurting us, their actions are hurting us, our eating habits hurt us, our lack of motivation is keeping us in the same job, in the same body, in the same relationship, same place mentally ...

Well this has been me for several years. I give into the same old thoughts, same expectations, same environments and just allowing the same people to treat me the same way. It is not healthy. It has been time for me to be brave. To change it. To weigh out the positives and negatives. And remove the negativity.

To tell myself:

• Do not complain about things, I am not willing to change.

• Stay away from negative people, they have a problem for every solution.

• Negative people need drama like oxygen, stay positive, it will take their breath away.

• A negative mindset will never give you a positive outcome.

But it is so hard to do! I am old(er). What if I fail? What if I get exactly what I need? I have no savings built up. Businesses don't hire old(er) people. What if it doesn't work out? What if my expectations are not in line with what God intended for me? How will I know?

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for ... said a singer whom I love so much.

I tell my kids to explore now while they can. See the world. Try this job and see if you like it. Don't place too much pressure on yourself. Give yourself grace. Be brave. Not everyone is going to agree with you. Speak up for what you want, just do it appropriately.

I believe in me. I believe in me because I know God does too. I sense Him around me, looking after me. I have had to trust Him at times when that was all I could do. I trusted Him at times, when I didn't even realize that's what I was doing.

A quick share why I write about trusting God even when I didn't realize it.

I could give so many examples, but I think I'll stick to my drug induced days. Since I boldy went there recently. During one of my episodes of doing powder, this time I was on coke. I think I was using it only because it was given to me. I couldn't afford it. I did so much one time, I got extremely paranoid and afraid. I literally felt like I had no control over myself. I was alone in my tiny house I rented and for some reason, I needed to be in a small area. As if a large room was overwhelming to me. I crawled under a desk and I called a friend of mine to come get me. It was a male friend. He came and got me and carried me to his car and took me back to his place where I laid down on the floor beside his bed. I didn't want to be in his bed. I wanted to be on the floor. I slept off the high. Afterwards, he fixed me something to eat and took me home and never did coke again after that. I was done with it.

God was there for me. You think He doesn't consider the life of addicts? Or want whats best for them, too? Sure He does! But how did I know I could trust this male friend of mine? I knew because he had demonstrated to me no judgment whatsoever. And he was honest with me. He cared for me and told me what I was doing was hurting me. He and I are still freinds to this day. He is married and lives in another state and once in a while, we still message just to check in on each other. He has seen me change. He has seen me at my worst. But I changed. I removed myself from my old toxic self. And the other thing I had to do was remove myself from people who had drugs with them.

That was not easy. It felt good to be high and not care about anything. Plus, I was 'fitting' in with this crowd when I thought I had no one else.

I had someone else. I have Jesus Christ. Don't laugh. I know it sounds cliche but it is true. All we need is Him. I had known that for years, but my own pride and fixation on trying to supplement my life with people who were doing drugs clouded my vision.

Leaving the drug induced world is different than leaving an environment that is not fulfilling your life anymore. Or is it?

Leaving people behind that use substances was not easy for me. They were cool to me and it made me feel strong and able to be someone I never envisioned. I carried a 'don't give a crap' attitude and that helped me to forget about all the pain in my life. This all happened about 30 years ago yet the memory and feeling remains strong in me. Likely as a reminder of how far I've come. Gotta love those reminders - they show you that strength and perseverance is possible when it is necessary.

Change is necessary at some of the most crucial times. I needed to decide for myself way too often what was healthy for me and what wasn't. And it really sucked each time. Never easy and I sure didn't go into it with open arms.

Change also meant leaving people behind whom I thought 'liked' me, whom I thought 'cared' for me. You will really see when you make the right healthy choices you won't have to do it alone. Yes, Jesus is there, but He doesn't want to see you alone either. So new friends and family can enter your life and be there for you.

If change is necessary and it may affect other people in your life besides yourself (which it often will) how do we do it with the most care possible. Society tells us to just think of ourselves.

Yet .... when we make changes in our life, that we know are right .... is it possibly a way to help others? Because not only does it force us to evaluate our life by removing others or something from it but it also changes the environment where you've been, therefore, it forces others to evaluate their life since you are no longer a part of it. It is then that maybe we aren't just being brave for ourselves, but for others too. And to me, that's not being selfish but it is being proactive about self care.

Definitely a great conversation to have with the Almighty.

By the way, the plant shown in the photo used to belong to my tiny mama. She wasn't much for change. But she sure had a determination about her. And sure do miss her.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

What type of change have you made in your life that was particularly difficult but you knew it was best for you?

How long did it take you to accept the change? To feel really good about it?

Was there some pivitol moment when God revealed to you the change was necessary, or perhaps some sign that you believe in that told you it was time?