being content

I’ve never had such a case of conflicted writers block like what I’ve had in the last couple weeks.  I get to writing something and suddenly it does not have the content I feel is compelling.  Granted, I write mostly about my life and day to day moments and events … what occurs to me is when things are going without [much] chaos, I find it difficult to share.

As if, I need to have those moments where my world is being turned upside down in order to give you some insight to how I am handling things or how I am not handling it.

And then to let you know how God is working in my life.

But, that has not been the case these last few weeks.  In fact, I have never felt better.  You have no idea how hard it is for me to write those 5 words. ‘I have never felt better.’

So, as I sit down in my bed to write, I discover I do have something to talk about.

It makes me nervous to let people in on how my days have been fairly ‘normal.’

I have prayed about stuff like this.  For God to just let me live and take care of my girls without those extra challenges.  I have the regular teenage issues in our home, the sick kitty (we’ve taken him to the vet, now we pray he feels better soon), typical money concerns and I still have some heavy heartbeats and trouble catching my breath - oh, and two days this past week I felt like I could not get enough sleep, which I am sure that has to do with staying up late and getting up early, but … I thank God for these mild last couple of weeks.

I have been able to go to the shop without feeling nervous or anxious, have exercised a few times, got my daughters room done minus a light fixture and I have gotten outside to cut wood.

I don’t want to sound like the person who has to find something wrong in something good.  No, I cannot be that person.

I have no idea if this has to do with my upbringing or my anxiety but while I was sharing my day with girlfriends and telling them how things have been pretty decent lately, afterwards I felt a sudden case of regret.  As if, I should not have told them about all these good things because I don’t want to sound too assured. I got to thinking, oh geez Darlene, you just spoke all those good things and what if they are having a horrible day and this just made them feel worse?

I thought it and spoke it and I just gave the enemy an open door to rain on my parade.

Now that is an ironic idiom.

I’m getting to that meaning.

After sharing my happy moments, my daughter texted me and told me she was coming home from her friends house because she wasn’t feeling good. I thought, well, here we go.  My greatness was short-lived.

Then —— I thought of my youngest daughter going to her first big parade the next day and what if I shouldn’t send her. Worried about a wreck or something happening on the way there or home.

I had to work hard to shut those thoughts out of my mind and say some prayers asking God to help me to keep being strong and confident in trusting Him.  I want to be happy.  I want to handle daily trials like I am no different than anyone else.

I did not want the enemy to grasp my mind and heart and try to steal my joy. John 10:10

*** the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy; I have come to give you a full life.***

Not to mention the fact, my talking about how things have gone well does not mean I have control over the course of my life.  Only God knows that and as I processed this thought which I have known for a very long time, I felt some peace within me.

I still get a little concerned when my kids travel so I said some prayers for my youngest daughter and her friends as they set out to a huge celebratory parade in a nearby city.

They got through it and as they were driving home, my daughter texts me to tell me there was a shooting at the parade.

Let me tell you a little bit of who I am and how I reacted and why.

She told me this in a text and I simply replied with a ‘mercy, crazy people. Thank God you’re alright.’ And that was it.

I did not think more about it.

Which gives you an idea to the numbness I feel at times over tragedy. It is far from the idea that I don’t care. I absolutely do, but as I thought more about this and I realized when she came home I didn’t even hug her for goodness sakes! - I realized this is an example of how my life has had so many tough events, tragedies and straight up crappy stuff … enough that when I know my kids are okay or I am okay, I move on.

It wasn’t until later that day when I heard the actual details of the shooting did I think - holy crap - my daughter and her friends were right there; literally right where it happened and thank God the mom who took them made the decision to leave early.

Now that is divine intervention.

My mind immediately went to the night before when I questioned my daughter going to this parade and how I shook it off as me just being paranoid and almost letting the enemy try to damage my mind.

I still realize there was no connection between me talking about how things are going well and my daughter being somewhere a terrible event happen.

That is not how life works.

God already knows.

We do have control over where we place ourselves if it is a dangerous situation and a parade should not be a dangerous situation unless of course it involves tons of people, excess of substances, heightened feelings, which in that case something could happen.

But we cannot live in fear, let alone feel as if we cannot be happy for ourselves because it might bring on bad circumstance.

I want to be happy and feel joy and not worry about something happening.

I’ve had many things occur in my life to know in between those formidable situations, I was just living and making the best of my life.

God has brought me out of some pretty nasty stuff. I have waited days, months and years to get to a content day.

I know it won’t always be this way.

What I do know is this - when I laugh, joke and smile with my kids that is who I want them to see.

I don’t want to show them this dreadful human being that worries each day something awful will happen.

I want to show them I can trust in the Lord and when we do escape a frightening moment, that is the time to really show God praise.

Phil 4:13 has always been a verse of mine I go to.

***I can do all things through Christ who gives me Strength,***

I have learned it does not mean I won’t have troubles. It means, when trouble occurs, God is with me.

I don’t really want any of the crappy stuff that has happened to me to return in any way possible.  I do know that some of those perils were from me placing myself in not so good environments. So, with me knowing this, I can pray over my girls they do not do the same and speak openly with them about how to avoid these things.

So in the meantime, I know how my mentality affects my daughters. If I am happy, they see this and can feel good about it; if I show fear of the unknown they learn this.

I cannot avoid pitfalls, busted pipes, blown engines, broken appliances, criminal activities, sick animals - but I can do my best to avoid areas where this stuff might happen, learn to take care of what we have and above all remember, God already knows our path.