A 10:30 p.m. phone call

12-12-23 - morning

Woke up and kept thinking about this God stuff and showing a true light to who I am.I went to the coffee shop to meet a couple of friends. It was nice. Yet, something in me is unsettled.

Got a message from my girlfriend whom I did family photos of and ran to her house afterwards to review some of the photos I took.

I discovered I did too much editing on the pictures. I didn’t trust the pictures I took so I edited them too much. I used this program online which I love because it makes editing so easy. But, I realized I am too reliant on it.

Good to know.

Left her house and felt empty. Headache. Heart pounding. Still thinking about the conversation I had with the mentor which left me feeling revealed and also frustrated.

It left me feeling so vulnerable and irritable. The information to process is meant to help me. To know what I need to do to take better care of me and get past some of the pain and hurt.

But sometimes, after you see a counselor, mentor, therapist or whoever whom you've gone to for a while, do you ever get the feeling they are done trying to help you because only you can help yourself? As if, even if they tell you things that indicate they are a little annoyed with you.

Oh, is that just me? Okay.

Doesn't matter. It just means that we have to get behind the wheel and take charge of the direction of our lives.

I immediately called my doctor and made appointments to see my physician and a therapist. I can irritate my therapist next.

The physician was needed. I need to figure out why I am having trouble breathing and my heart is pounding in the mornings. Though I suspect it is just anxiety. Just anxiety, I say. As if, it is easy to dismiss.

12-12-23 - 11 p.m.

Pushed through the rest of the day and got home around 10 p.m. from my daughters practice. I have worked up the courage to drive down a side road coming home because it makes for a shorter route than taking the interstate.  I have refrained from going this route ever since I hit a dog about a year ago.  Coming home late one night I came over a hill and he was just standing there middle of the lane - no way I could swerve or stop.  It was the most horrible thing ever.  I thank God for an angel who helped me to bury him the next morning after I got on social media to find out if he belonged to someone.  Nothing.  He was obviously abandoned.  Jerks.  It is common around our area because of the pastures and country roads.  Still people are dumb and heartless and complete idiots who dump animals.

Most recently, we had another dog running around our neighborhood that would not let us catch her.  It was obvious she had been dumped too because she would sit at the end of my neighbors drive way as if waiting on someone.  Broke my heart.  I tried so hard to get her. Finally animal control caught her and took her to the shelter where we found out she got adopted.  And hopefully by a family who truly cares for her.

Once home this evening, I cleaned up the kitchen and put away some soup I left out for the girls for dinner. As I was putting things away, my phone rang.  It’s rarely a good thing your phone rings at 10:30 at night.  Sure enough, an ex-boyfriend from years upon years ago who I ran into over the summer.  He is now married …. I did not answer.  He found my number on my coffee shop page. I need to block his calls.  Not sure why I have not yet blocked him. Blocking numbers was a common theme in my life for a period of time. And actually when I was seeing this guy, during the times we broke up … which was frequently …. I would take the phone off the hook.  Yeah, that gives you an idea of how many years ago that was.

I am immediately annoyed by his phone call. Even though I didn't talk to him, it annoys me the only guy who is calling me is an ex and is now married. This is not how I want to attract anyone. I have men contacting me. A couple are nice. Dinner and drinks. Nothing more than that. I am the one who keeps guys at a distance.

Geez, times have changed for me. I used to give up a lung just to go out with a guy that contacted me. I would even resist making plans for the just in case 'he' calls so I can be ready to jump and go out. How pathetic. I am so far from that person now. Guess, age will do that to you. Having my girls at home does this too. I dare not share much time with them. I want to be home with them all I can.

They make me happy.

Although, as I contemplate this life I am living and how to really begin to pay closer attention to the person I am and being honest with myself - there is this ever so slight hint of awareness that makes me feel, I am strictly living for my girls.

Nothing wrong with this, until you lose yourself in who they are. Many people call this living vicariously through your kids. I am not sure that is the case.

I don't press my dreams or goals on them. I just go along with their dreams and goals and less of what I want.

Crap. I just wrote that.