5 months, 5 years, what's the difference

12-13-23

One appointment is getting done. Went to doctor this morning since I’ve had trouble catching my breath.  And in the mornings, my heart is pounding up a storm.  Not to mention I keep having this sharp piercing pain under my left breast which I mistakenly thought was my bra digging into me, only to discover I wear sport bras that have no wire …. Yeah, that’s me.  Cannot even remember what bra I am wearing.

The doctor decided I need to do a stress test and perhaps consider medication for anxiety and depression.

*sigh*

The last time I was medicated was before girls dad died.  I was progressing my way off the meds the week he died.  I had one more week of a lower dose and I was done.  I decided to continue to be done with meds and manage life on my own accord.

We see where that got me. 5 years later, I am diagnosed not only with being depressed but also having anxiety. Yay. Whatever, who isn’t on meds these days.  Only thing about it is, my daughter was prescribed as well and she tried it but it made her too cloudy. Not to mention when I found out she was going to try meds, I tried to convince her to go to prayer more.

Well, let me tell you something about that.  I have been praying. Like over-indulgent praying.  Like going to God with literally everything .  Like I am obsessed with praying and talking to God. Like, I have no doubt He is thinking how exhausting it is being me.  Just kidding, God loves everyone … And I’m sure He has sent me signs to see a doctor much sooner. I don’t listen very well.

I mean really, why should I listen. Who has time to listen to God when He is trying to tell you to slow down your life. I don't have time to slow down God. I am only one of me and have girls to take care of. You know, those 3 girls whom you placed under my care and took away their dad because it was 'his time' to go? I am not mad at God.

I wrote this because it is true. I am responsible and I do feel God has placed this responsibility on me, so how am I also supposed to make time to slow down? It's darn near impossible.

Here is a dose of reality for you. I co-own a coffee shop. About 5 months ago, I had a real panic attack. I dreaded going to work at the shop. I am not going to tell you all the reasons why this was something I dreaded ... not quite feeling that bold. But for the most part, I did discover how much I was needed at home. I also discovered that when I was at the shop, I wasn't completely effective. Most of the time, I was invisible. Except with the customers. I loved them and I would sit and talk to them often.

But that didn't help me when I came home to a huge mess, broken toilet, grass needing mowed, a daughter needing to go out of town for a practice or games or being needed at a doctor appointment for another daughter and missing it because I felt too guilty cause I was already being gone so much for everything else.

Yeah, that was me.

I finally had to figure out a way to just leave. Too much stress was occurring and it was stress that I simply could not solve. Though, I had tried.

Sometimes, you want things to happen and go smoothly so you keep putting up with stuff and eventually you just go silent because it becomes a futile effort. Then you realize you just lost a part of who you were.

I guess all this anxiety stuff was truly coming on for months.

So, I did do something I felt was right for me and my daughters. I left the shop. I still co-own it but now do much work from home.

As I was saying, I felt God was trying to get me to slow my life down a bit. I am, Or I was.

The kicker here? I began working from home. I am doing that now. Since staying home ... I have been more busy than expected with so many other things happening in life.

Seems, life was just waiting on me to try and find contentment.

Life decided contentment was not going to be part of my journey.

It seemed staying home would come with more personal challenges.

Strange how that happened.

Just when you think you are doing the right thing for yourself and family, life throws you tons of curves that force you to buck up and get stronger than you imagine.

Or do you suppose God had a hand in that?

As in, He lead me to the panic attack to help me realize how I had to take a step back from the shop because He knew trials would happen and I would be needed at home more than ever. God doesn't make things happen. He allows them. At least, that is what I have been told and what I believe. But if this is true .... AND we are told to pray for something in our life then He can make things happen. My mind is blown right now.

He didn't make me have the panic attack that July 4th night. He allowed it. As a way to help me come to my senses to know where I was needed and what I needed to take care of over the next several months.

Thinking back to 5 months ago and all that has happened in 5 months is causing me to have some serious reflection. A real point of discovery.

Wow, writing all this out for you to read is helping me. Thanks.

Going to bed now.